LYDIA

Ganou has chosen a new name. She feels that because she has a new role and she really is a new person that a new name should mark that change for her. No problem we said. It's up to you. So Lydia takes on her new role, her new personality and does it well we think. We are very proud of her and grateful to her for doing this.

I AM .... 154

WE ARE .... 28

INTEGRATION SINKS IN

as the days pass the feelings sink in deeper and deeper. our ego shield feels even thinner than before but maybe it never was very thick to begin with. maybe our dissociativeness made us feel as if it was tough and impenetrable. as well, the past floats to the surface and becomes more visible. we feel it more now, with an intensity we have not felt for a while. yes. it's there. and it hurts down deep. we feel so wobbly on our legs and afraid of the world. what will it do to us now? will it hurt us some more?

us 28 pull closer together, as if for warmth. the circle closes. yet within it lies the 154, deep within our embrace. us 28 are more active now too. more switching. more of us popping out. a fluid that was almost still waves back and forth, sloshes around as if someone has shaken this vessel.

we feel this. oh god we feel this.

THE PROCESS CONTINUES

As you have seen on an earlier post, a friend of ours made 154 ribbons, each one with a name of one of the 154 to be integrated. She then took those ribbons, along with her son, and went to a place to tie the ribbons on a tree. We are so very honoured by what she has done and that even her son has been included in this process of saying goodbye.

We have also been doing our own ceremony. We have a statue of a goddess whom we call Pong Yi (it's a long story). She is the one we "pray" too and honour. For three days in a row we lit candles beside her, and burned incense while we proceeded to do the paper work on each alter. Each one of us has a sheet of paper with our name on it, our age when we emerged, the age we are now, who created us, why we were created, and other information. We are now in the process of marking those 154 sheets "Home as of 3/19/12" and pulling them out of our binder. Until only 28 will be left to continue to update. It is a very physical way of saying goodbye to each one.

During our days, from time to time, we think of them and feel them to be gone, in one sense. We feel the loss and the space they leave behind. At times we feel the grayness of grief, the absence of ones we have cherished.

Letty was a Christian. The only one of us who believed in a Christian god. Many years ago we acknowledged her belief by buying her a cross pendant. We don't usually wear it but she asked us, before leaving, if we would at least wear it for a time, as a way to remember her and all of them. It seems fitting as well to wear a cross, as if a marker on a grave. So we wear it.

We are missing you all.

154 RIBBONS

it's still crowded in here ya know

We should have called it a "Coming Home" for that is what it felt like yesterday. As if we have drawn these ones closer to our heart, wrapped in our embrace, safe and warm forever. We had a really nice day yesterday. Peaceful. Comforting. Read for hours. Then Lance took us out to the bar where Graham works. Dinner and drinks. A celebration.

Ganou
She is the one now who holds the 154. While she is only 20 years old she says she feels very grown up now and takes her responsibility seriously. We can feel those others inside her and it reassures us that they are very okay.

Yesterday we sent an email out to our friends, those we trust and who have honoured us, accepted us and made us feel safe telling our story. And those wonderful friends responded so warmly....

Awesome. Looking forward to the new you!!! I hope this makes you happy as well.

I wish all the best to you, Caer.

Thanks for introducing me to some of those who we are saying goodbye to. Thanks for trusting me to be a part of your wonder-filled web. I love that their spirits and wisdom will be with you when you need their support. I am in awe of your "forever" process.

Thanks to you guys. I too am sad, and wish them all well on this voyage.

Are you and ones remaining going to be okay?

I am very moved and happy/sad for you.

Wow ... this is huge! I didn't know you were doing this. Are you okay?  I am sooo glad you feel safe and can do this now.

This is a very pivotal moment and I wish you all the best with this new part of your journey.

OMG Caer this had me bawling. 154 of you have left. Yikes. How are the 28 remaining doing? The adjustment must be immense. Please look after each other. Such a massive change is going to have an impact on everybody.

this is what one friend has done for us. 154 ribbons. she says "Tomorrow I will find a tree to tie these ribbons to. The ribbons have a name of one of the 154 on each end. I will honour them with my gratitude for being a part of your life and thank them for the lessons they taught and the gifts they brought."

GOING HOME ... AN INTEGRATION

Today is a day of going Home. Like the elves in the Lord of the Rings who went away to the West forever, most of us leave. 154 of us are leaving. 28 of us are staying. So we 28 say goodbye to the others with much sadness. Yet there is celebration as well for we feel that these ones leaving are going to a beautiful place where they will be happy. And they will still help us. They will be like spirits to those of us that remain. They will watch over us and help us when we need them so they are not completely gone. Not ever.

Today we say goodbye to each one leaving, acknowledging each one for the work they have done, the role they have played in helping us survive. It is with much love and gratitude that we wish them well as they sail away into the West.

When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone
I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars.

Cast your eyes on the ocean 
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me.

Then the mountain rose before me 
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and the fire

Cast your eyes to the ocean 
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me.

Though we share this humble path, alone 

How fragile is the heart

Oh give these clay feet wings to fly

To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart

Lift this mortal veil of fear

Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears

We'll rise above these earthly cares

Cast your eyes to the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me.
Please remember me....
Please remember me....
[Dante's Prayer - Loreena McKennitt]

Baby Sarah
The 2 Innocents
Isa
Phoetus
T-Shadow
Adrian
Alexander
Amanda
The 5 Angels of Death
Arian
Baby Doll
Beth
Cinderella of the White Bear
Jenny Ru
Jo Lee
Little Red
Little Snake
The 2 Mimics
Nigel
Robbie
Star
Strawberry
The Terrible Twos
WhisperHer
Ylf
Angela
Annie Charlie
Badb
Gib
Blane
Blue
The 13 Blue Ones
The Bone Crusher
 Caere of the Iew Sae
Cater P
CF
The Two Colettes
Corey
Crystal
Dead
Dog-GoD
Elvira
The 3 Fossils
Hands
The Harbinger
Helena
Honey
Jigsaw
Jimmy Fast
Julia
Magda
Maggie
Makkio
Mary
The 3 ME's
Meek
Molly Dee
n'i
No Self
Nymph
Oregon
Pearl
Phaedra
The 5 Quynns
Reed
Shana
Shane
The Shout
Skyhorse
Who/I
Bridgit
Calamity Jane
Captain Adolf
Gray
Griffin-CHLD
Jonas
MoreDread
Phoenix Aurora Moon
Voice-Mercury
Arwen
Belle
Black Widow
Bone Bruised
Brain
Bunker
Caleb
Cast Iron Will
The 3 Control Group
The Emperor
Evil Eye/I
Geo
The 3 Grieving
The HecranoM
The Jackal
KaliS MoroW
Letty
MEA
Michael
The 3 Observers
Place
Raven
Razor Man
Rebecca
The Red
Scout
Sean-Charlotte
Seth
The Source
Split Face
The SucattA SaltA
The Controller
Old Self

Please remember me