NOTE: Each alter’s name has a number after it the first time
it is on the page to show which group s/he belongs to.
See the right of this page for the group.
EMERGENCE: Dec/90
CF(1) cries and cries all night because we finally told, we told our secret. The secret now lies in an adult’s hands. Will we be betrayed again? Or will he help us this time? Poor lonely little CF, who would like to climb up on a big lap and be held for a very long time. It felt like the burden had been lifted a little but then the truth of what we did began to sink in and we knew what we had done. We had shown an inner core that no one had seen before. Now all of us are frightened. Not just CF but even Razor Man(1) (of course). He is sure this will be the end of him. maybe. We will see. He’s a real Nowhere Man.
Empath(1) holds CF in her lap. Empath is like the mother of us all. She is compassionate and warm, intelligent, wise, non-judgmental, logical and calm. It is her we wish to shine and enfold us, enfold our emptiness, our fears, our anger, our rebelliousness, our goodness and our evil. Can she convince Razor Man to lay down his “guns”?
Every day seems so different. As if nothing consistent in our lives. No wonder I have no sense of who I am.
Why is the incident of falling down the stairs so important? Why do I keep associating it with sitting at the top of the stairs when I was 5 years old and screaming when men came to the house? I remember falling down the stairs and I remember sitting at the top of the stairs and seeing my stepfather-to-be waiting at the front door.
-----
CF got a beautiful gift today, a rabbit doll. We went shopping, all of us, and she spotted the doll. At first we hesitated to buy it but CF kept nagging us about it. so we bought it. it was even wrapped in pink tissue, CF’s favourite colour, and put in a nice box – just like a present. When we got home we gave it to CF who was so pleased. She hugged the doll to her and said she was going to call it Anastasia. We also bought a card for her with a beautiful picture of a little girl who looks just like CF. The girl seems so sad and weighed down by something that most girls her age don’t have to carry. But you can also see the courage and wisdom in such a young thing. The flowers she holds are somehow like her, beautiful, fragile, sweet and impermanent. CF knows all of this and carries it willingly. She is much braver than any of us.
Many are quiet tonight. There seems a sadness settling in on the group after so much excitement yesterday. Oh yeah. Razor Man saw a complete razor set. We refused to buy it for him, of course but we were also amused. One razor is enough thank you.
CF’s pain slowly creeps in again. Pain and fear. Even though she is comforted by her gift there is still so much of her that hurts, hurts, hurts. Tomorrow we see our counsellor, John. We would like him to see our pain, for him to understand how much we really hurt inside. Now that he knows the truth about us.
No comments:
Post a Comment