2. The Front and Kereth

NOTE: Each alter’s name has a number

after it the first time

it is on the page to show

which group s/he belongs to.

See the right of this page for the group.

We don’t just want to talk about the past or give you information about multiplexity, but we want to also talk about now. Where are we now?

Well, to begin with we are very, very excited about our blog. After our first post we couldn’t sleep very well. Too excited. So last night we took drugs to make sure we could sleep and would have tons of energy to write today. When we get excited about something, we REALLY get excited, probably because it’s not just one of us excited. The chatter inside our head gets going like pistons rapid-firing in an engine. Hmm what a metaphor.

Speaking of metaphors, the journey of healing can be full of them. When we began to fall apart and then discover each other (back in 1990) we began to have images of travelling through a strange and unfamiliar city. The images kept coming so we decided to name the city. We called it Kereth. We kept travelling through it day after day and as each of us made ourselves known to the others our images would join that of Kereth. And we wrote it all down.

Let us stop for a minute and introduce you to a very important alter, although she would deny her importance. Shell (1, 2). Shell is our official “Outside Person”. She was created when we were 3 years old. She was shocked when she found that out. But then we have shocked her a lot through this journey. Some of us have even nicknamed her “Shell-Shocked”. Funny ha, ha. Anyway.....  Shell had no idea she was multiple and had no idea she was being abused quite often as a child. Absolutely none. But it was critical she not know so that she could behave as close to normal as possible while we were growing up. If she knew all that was going on we wouldn’t have been able to cope. Why hide it from her? So she didn’t have to pretend nothing was wrong. She believed things were pretty much “normal”. She had nothing to hide as far as she knew.

She has been writing in our journals for a long time, before any of us emerged and after. She will be talking to you a lot here because she has kind of a unique perspective, compared to the rest of us. She is our best connection with Outsiders – that’s you folks. Us alters are “Insiders”, we are all contained “Inside”. Since you guys are not “Inside” then you must be “Outside”. That makes sense doesn’t it?

One more thing about Shell. She isn’t really a person without us. What we mean is, she doesn’t think solely on her own. Everything she thinks and does is greatly influenced by us. In a way, like a vessel, she contains all of us. That’s probably the best we can do with an explanation. Hey, it took us a long time to explain it to her and even then we’re not sure how clear she is about herself. But ... Well let her speak for herself.

So, yes ... me-Shell. “Me a name I call myself”. I am Shell.  Yes, it took me a long time to understand who I was and I’m not sure I understand completely even now. But I kind of gave up on it a while ago because it didn’t seem all that important anymore. I know that I am part of a system of alters, one of many personalities in this one body. I’m content with that. Oh, my personal metaphor is that I feel like I am always a passenger in the vehicle, never the driver. NEVER.

Okay, back to our journey which started in 1990. Before that time, as we said, I, Shell,  didn’t know I was multiple and I didn’t know I was abused. However, in 1990 our armour plating began to break apart. We were going to BCIT full time then and taking care of our son who was 10 at the time. We were in our fourth and final term there, almost ready to graduate, until everything in my world fell apart. I did not completely understand why but I could feel in my guts that it had to do with my past. We tried to continue school but dark and scary feelings kept surfacing and really getting in the way of daily living. Some alters Inside began cutting with a razor blade on our wrists and thighs. I thought it was me doing it but didn’t understand why I was doing it.

We kept on deteriorating until it was obvious we couldn’t continue school. But I, Shell, still did not know why. Gradually through that year images of abuse would emerge. And I kept seeing this man and a little girl, 5 years old, standing together, holding hands. And they seemed to be waiting for me to do something. It took me a while but eventually I noticed that the little girl’s white socks had a black spot on each inner ankle. I recognized that. I used to have those marks when I was a little girl. Then I realized that little girl was somehow me.

Eventually I found out her name was Child of Five, or CF (1) for short.  The man was another alter named Razor Man (1). Yes, it was mostly him who had been cutting. The hand that held that razor blade, the man who loved that razor, was me and not me. Then I read Truddi Chase’s book “When Rabbit Howls”. Truddi was also multiple and her book was groundbreaking in terms of describing multiplexity. Even though I still did not clue in to the fact that I was multiple, I totally understood her book ... and I wondered why it seemed so familiar.

It wasn’t long after reading her book the first group, The Others (1), began to emerge. They felt that because I had read Truddi’s book and seemed alright with it, that they could begin to make themselves known to me, as well as to some others Inside.

A note about Truddi’s book. It is absolutely brilliant and haunting and terrifying. It has very graphic descriptions of abuse she endured and is a very heavy and disturbing book. But my god it is so well written. So if you want to read it make sure you have good support. For us, Truddi became our hero. She shone a light on multiplexity that had never quite been on before.

Later we will talk about “The Three Faces of Eve” and “Sybil” which were famous when they were published. But their portrayals of multiple personality made people think of the condition as something easily seen. We will introduce you to a man named Richard Kluft, a psychiatrist in the U.S. who has worked with many multiples. He wrote an amazing article on multiplexity that showed a whole other side of multiplexity and validated a lot of our own inner world. It showed that multiple personality is not easily seen and that more than anything it is a hidden condition.

I think there are many multiples out there who have inner worlds and landscapes, places for their alters to reside in. We definitely have ours and I know of other multiples who have amazing and complex inscapes. I had never experienced something like this before. I was clearly out of the loop until late 1990. Then I began to find out who had been living Inside all these years. At first, it was absolutely overwhelming. I remember being at work, trying to concentrate on a task but having to switch over to a little notebook we were keeping on hand, to write down information that was coming through fast and hard. The information was mostly about alters Inside, their names and often why they were created. I had to keep switching from my work to making these notes, then back to work, then having to make more notes. It was crazy-making but necessary. We needed to document as much as possible.

The internal chatter grew and grew. Chaos inside my head. Pressure so intense sometimes that I thought my head would explode. My head didn’t, but my mind did. I started having psychotic-type episodes. I like to think of it as a dissociative psychosis. I began to see some alters outside of me, in particular, three old women in black hooded cloaks. I believed they followed me down the street. I believed they danced on my back porch. And I believed they were dangerous and trying to hurt me. I felt as if they had immense power and control over my behaviour. In the end, I found out that they were alters but I didn’t think so then.

(But hey, that’s another story. We’ll make a note of it to tell you about Shell’s “psychosis” that led to a “psychotic transference” with a counsellor we had at the time.)

The journey through Kereth was full of metaphors for our healing. We’ll make a note about that too and tell you more later.

Back to now. There are a few of us who are quite active on a daily basis. We call this group The Front. Picture this. You are facing a huge house. In front of its door are two rows of people. The first row, the ones closest to you are those of us who most often communicate with you. Most of us don’t reveal ourselves individually though. Too much work. We just move, like a flowing river, back and forth, depending on how we are feeling and what we want to say. A laugh may come from Ariel (1), a moment of empathy towards you might come from Patience (1). A slightly but probably not noticeable deeper voice may give you an analysis of something – that’s probably Othel (1). He’s observant, intellectual, very analytical and philosophical about life. Sometimes he has theories that the rest of us don’t understand. Which is pretty bizarre. How can you not understand your own mind? Well, it sort of works when you’re multiple. Othel’s theories sometimes just blow right over our head and we stand there wondering what the hell he is talking about.

There are younger ones of us who are quite active too. But with most people, they don’t make it obvious. There may only be a moment of curiosity, a child’s eyes open wide to see you and that’s all. That might be Stoene Boy (6st) or Hartly (?), or Tee Tee (3). Or Epiphany (4) or Little Ruby (4) or Antigone (8). However, there are times when they do make it obvious who they are. That’s when we are with our best buddy, Mark. (not his real name. ... to protect the innocent ... you know that line.) Anyway, the kids Inside just love Mark. They get to talk with him, play with him, do things with him. And he is so good to them and laughs and plays right along with them as if they were separate people. He’s awesome that way. Oh, it’s not just the kids who hang out with him. There are teenagers and adults too who he knows.

And our son is like that too. We’ll call him Graham. (hope he doesn’t mind). He is also great with the kids and very patient and understanding with others Inside too.

We’ll introduce you to other people in the world who have been so accepting of us and they all have helped us heal and grow.

Right now, we are gearing up for our birthday. Wednesday January 12. We plan to see a good friend of ours, Sarah, who is also an amazing support for us. She has become a sort of “therapist” for us now, as she has been in the past. Stoene Boy loves going to Sarah’s house because she has a few ceramic frogs around. Stoene Boy loves frogs. Oh, Stoene Boy is presently 5 years old. In March, we have a kids’ birthday day. We now call it Kids’ Day and it is when alters who are 12 years old and younger have a “birthday” and most of them, but not all, gain a year. So Stoene Boy will be 6 then.

Tee Tee also loves going to Sarah’s house. He is 10 now and will be 11 in March. He really likes Sarah.

Meanwhile, with our birthday this week, we will visit with Sarah, then go over to Mark’s house, and with him and Graham, watch the movie “Despicable Me”, make dinner and have a piece of cheesecake. (As a group, we have decided that our all-time favourite food is cheesecake. There are many individual preferences but we actually were able to agree unanimously that cheesecake had the most votes.).

Our birthday seems to be a time of new beginnings, especially following  so  closely after January 1. But I bet that happens to many people whatever time of year they were born. We often start new projects around this time. This year is no exception. Last year at this time, we began working on our book, I Am We Are. Wrote for about 5 months then had to stop. It became too painful to continue. But now we return to telling our story but this may be a way of less pain.

The Front. That first row in front of you is often made up of those we just mentioned and includes me, Shell. But there is another row just behind. These are those of us who will not communicate directly with you Outsiders but we will often influence the first row. We may say something in our head which the front row will hear and will say something to you. Sometimes we are simply listening to the Outside conversations and sometimes we will step forward to the first row and then speak directly to you.

The rest of us are inside the house. Some of us peer from the windows, watching and listening to what is going on. We may not say anything inside our head but just quietly be present. Others of us are even deeper within the house. We may not even be listening to anything that's going on. We may be sleeping or far away in our own rooms doing whatever we want to be doing.

We will stop for today now. As we said earlier, there is so much we want to tell you. Telling our story is so important, and important for many human beings, not just us. As if receiving some kind of confirmation that we exist and that we are worth listening to. We all have a story to tell. We go to a support group twice a week and we just love hearing other people’s stories about their lives. It is so amazing. We human beings are so amazing. Better than the best book. It may be very difficult to be human and live this physical existence on the earth but it is also incredibly rich and wonderful.

Talk to you later guys. Thanks for listening.