We will need to take a journey in order to heal ourself. It will be a transformation. So what will we become in the end I wonder. Some Inside say we will become Empath (1), our highest self, a being of compassion for all. That seems a worthy path. But there seems to be more than that really. Maybe the important question is who will we become. Will we become Tir (1), our original self, and what will happen to the rest of us? Will we die? Will we integrate into one self, into Tir? It is clear that we do not know this yet. But even if most of us die, we will not forget all of who we are. We will all be celebrated and accepted for who we are, for what we have done, how we have helped this person survive.
We have to find a psychiatrist, a long term therapist. We cannot work for long with John. He is only temporary. I think that will be very difficult for us, to lose him. And especially for CF (1).
We have decided to have a ceremony that will celebrate us all and join us together in some kind of bond. If any Outsider says they don’t believe in us, if any one of us Inside does not believe, tries to annihilate us, we will have this bond that can’t be broken. The fear is great that someone will destroy our system. I know the system fears me-Shell (1, 2) the most. They think that I can think them out of existence. That someone can say to me “you are not multiple” and I will then say “you’re right”. Then, in the blink of an eye, I will make all of them disappear. How they arrive at such a conclusion I don’t know or understand. I feel absolutely helpless here. I have no power to destroy or create. I am the passenger in the car, remember?
Still, a ceremony sounds good. We are going to call it The Joining Ceremony. We have decided we will plan it step by step and we will do it on Christmas day. We will be going to David (Graham’s dad) and Kate’s (David’s partner) place on Vancouver Island. It is by a lake and we will go there and do the ceremony. We are not telling anyone about this. They will surely think me, us, crazy. But oh I wish I could tell someone about this. It feels like pure magic. It feels profound. I have never thought this way before.
Lance seems to understand how much work we have to do before we will get better. He sees our chaos and pain. It helps so much to have someone who understands and accepts us in all of our weirdness. Are we not weird? I think we are.
I get all kind of blips, times when I am not present. I don’t know what has happened until someone Inside quickly fills me in. There mustn’t be any gaps or Outsiders may notice. We have to keep the information continuous and constant. It takes a lot of energy to do this but we still must hide this condition from most people.
A dream last night. A man enclosed in a glass ball. We kicked it/him out of the house and onto the back porch. I think there was water inside the ball. We thought we were finally rid of him but he broke out of the ball and came in after us. There was a lot of fear Inside about him. Who was he? Why a glass ball? Enclosed and preserved. Someone Inside knows.
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We and Graham have arrived at David and Kate’s place on the lake for Christmas. Inside we are so excited. We can feel this is the right place for our ceremony. A very secret ceremony. This is a wonderful place to go for walks, down to the lake or above the houses on a hill with train tracks. It’s also scary to be here with David and Kate. We are so very vulnerable now but must still pretend that we are the way we were only a few months ago. We must hide most of us. What a difficult task. And we are scared to not have John to phone if we get into crisis. Which happens frequently now. We go into hysteria so often these days.
Kereth, the city we travel in. We know now that we are headed for the center. I don’t know what is there. It is just a knowing that we have. We must get there. God it’s so strange in our head. Am I simply insane?
We went for a walk here by ourself. Time alone was precious and helped a lot. Time we could talk to each other with no one around to see or hear us. Time to talk more about our ceremony. Where and what will we do. There will be a death in it, that of who we used to be. A constellation of selves that no longer exists. We were arranged one way, a way that hid most of us from view. But now we know about each other and I’m told there will be more. Now we arrange ourself differently. A new configuration. A new self. A new way of being. What a wonder. I can hardly believe any of it. The Joining Ceremony will strengthen this new configuration. It will help with this transition.
Sometimes there are a few of us present at the same time. We lay like transparencies over each other. We respond to the world together, each in our own way. We walk down the road here. Tir dances around because she is out in nature. Razor Man (1) growls back at a dog that we pass by. CF holds the hand of an adult. We walk together. Oh I wish Outsiders could see us, could see how we travel together, see what each of us looks like. There is so much to be afraid of but there is so much to wonder at and even to love. I feel so strong in some way. Strength in numbers. More powerful. I am not alone.
And yet Razor Man still wants to erase me from the equation. He wants to be rid of me and wants to be our leader. But we don’t want a leader and no one else wants me to go. Why is he so bent on wiping me out? What have I done or not done that so displeases him? He sees me as some obstacle on our path.
The only time we are awake and alive is when we are alone and the sense of the system and everyone in it is felt. I can feel the energy coursing through each of us like a thread stringing us together. The rest of the time is “sleep” time. We are almost like a zombie when most of us fade into the background. Not here.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and we will “rehearse” the ceremony. Figure out where we will go and what we will do when we arrive at each place.
You think I am crazy don’t you? Maybe I am. Maybe we are.
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