9. EMERGENCE: Crisis

NOTE: Each alter’s name has a number after it the first time

it is on the page to show which group s/he belongs to.

See the right of this page for the group.

Throughout the early months of 1990 we began cutting ourself, began having the strangest thoughts (of spirit guides and people chanting and ceremonies), took a minor overdose of Tylenol (enough to make us sick but not dead) and basically communicated to our friends and doctor that we were becoming quite ill. It got harder and harder to function. We could barely take care of our 10-year-old son much less go to school and do assignments. Gradually we missed more and more classes.

We were extremely fortunate in one respect. We had the most wonderful, supportive friends who rallied round after our Tylenol overdose. For six weeks, our friends took turns staying with us. By this time we had quit BCIT as it was obvious we could not continue. It was a bit of a loss in that we had only a few months to go to receive a degree but it was a necessary move. Personnel management was not for us.

Our friends and us had “meetings” to schedule who was going to stay with us and when. Someone in the morning, someone in the afternoon and evening, and someone to stay overnight. There was always someone with us. This was really a suicide watch but in the most loving way possible. We were truly blessed.

However, we knew that this wasn’t a short term thing going on. I, Shell (1, 2), may not have known about the others inside much less stuff from the past but I could clearly feel that it wasn’t going to go away anytime soon. Six weeks would not do a lot in the long run so we told everyone to go home. We convinced ourself and our friends that we were doing much better and intended to find a job soon. We would not return to school. So everyone went home. Within a few months we found that job and for another six weeks hung in there and functioned normally. But mid-October, 1990, we had our second crisis and we fell apart again. This time we ended up in St Paul’s psych ward for a week, on the recommendation from our doctor. The cutting had begun again and she assumed it meant we were suicidal, though we didn’t think so.

We keep using “we” here but we need to explain something. If we can that is. I, Shell, still did not yet know I was multiple but I had started therapy back in March and was beginning to uncover bits and pieces that pointed the way to childhood abuse. There were others Inside though who were well aware of what was going on and they started to influence our behaviour more and more.

For me-Shell this time was one of the most crazy-making. I could not figure out what the hell was going on with me. I was often hearing a man’s voice in my ear threatening me over and over again – that I was dead meat. I was seeing things that made me do double-takes – a crow on the ground was a child curled up in the fetal position, a ticket laying on the sidewalk said “no admittance”, a photocopier at work that said “Place (child) face down”. How telling this all was. Yet I could not tell. I wasn’t getting the picture yet.

Then I began seeing a man and a little girl, standing, holding hands, watching me. They looked like they were waiting for me to do something. Sometimes when I went for therapy I would see them standing at the door of our counsellor’s office. I became more and more anxious and scared, sure I was going insane. I was full of adrenalin almost constantly, and my stomach would quiver with anxiety. I was literally on the edge of my seat when in therapy, though it felt more like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and ready to jump or fall at any moment.

Meanwhile there were others Inside who knew what was coming and they were ready. One day I found myself in an emergency ward, wondering how I got there, and the next I was sitting at a desk writing about people Inside of me that I did not know. But I did know they were real. This wasn’t some story I was concocting. I could feel it in my very bones – there were others. ....

If you want to know about us in more detail follow the “PAGES” on the right side of this blog.

First up .... THE OTHERS.