So yes, another emerges. Lyn spots her. Says she senses a toddler, so that’s what we will call her for now. The Toddler (1). It is August 1991. She whimpers in fear, seeing our curious and puzzled faces looming above her. But with CF’s (1) consent we give her the rabbit dolls to hold and a small smile creeps onto her lips.
The rest of us? Well, Othel (1) is busy with different projects – metaphysics, enneagrams, astrology, the study of the brain. Patience (1) ensures everyone is okay, being nurtured and cared for. Tir (1) is intensity itself though when she speaks you wouldn’t think so. Her voice is a soft whisper, timid. A breath of wind. She touches her lips. Uncertainty. What she feels goes down so deep inside her. She is the bone bruised. She seems to feel every emotion, cannot filter any of them out. She is on fire and can never put it out. Still, she is able to find moments of joy in sensual dancing among the trees. Her feet skip over mosses and stones. Her laughter is like tinkling glass. She is the mist that enfolds the trees. She is the dark of mystery.
Back in April we had begun to work with Lyn and it has changed Razor Man (3). He likes her. Does not feel threatened by her, like he did with John. His power is not taken away. But he is still angry about the past of course. And rightly so. Meanwhile, Julia (1) is still quite unreachable and catatonic. She feels unloved and unlovable. At least she likes colouring, something that sustains her. We buy her some beautiful felt pens and she colours pictures in Gray’s Anatomy Colouring Book. Lyn gives her crayons and hopes at some time to reach her.
Pleasure exists for us as well. Different kinds. Ariel (1) loves reading, watching tv and socializing. Tir loves the more sensual-type of pleasures – sex, eating, art, dancing, singing, drawing. Julia is also interested in artistic things. She loves colours and painting with them and she is passionate about singing, especially harmony. It was her who used to stand before the mirror and pretend to be a backup singer for the Beatles.
At the center of the city, the center of Kereth, is a cage with a “monster” in it. It is our Rage and it must be released. We give Razor Man the task since he so badly wants to lead us. He will take us to that cage and help us open those bars. But what will that look like? We are afraid it will mean destruction and harm. We are afraid we will explode with fury. But Lyn knows this is our mission. Will she be able to help keep us safe or will she get harmed in the process?
The little ones seem mostly okay. CF is quieter these days. She needs less from us as she has worked through so much of her memories of abuse with John. Lyn has given us a rabbit doll that she owns. Her name is Abigail. She will be the mother of Anastasia, CF’s rabbit doll. And CF is willing to share. Oh generous heart. Julia loves Abigail and tries to keep her near as much as possible. She doesn’t like it when we go out without the two dolls.
The kids have also “discovered” Graham, our son. He is so very kind and sensitive with them. He’s amazing. He makes them smile.
But there is so much sadness as well. We cry a lot and don’t hide the tears even when Graham is around. When Lance visits we cry more with him and he comforts us, rubs our back. Razor Man still feels threatened by men and gets angry when we tell Lance things. But we do anyway. Many of us trust Lance.
We have an intense need for comfort and safety. To feel cozy and cocooned. Wrapped in blankets and protected from a harsh world of reality.
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The Toddler finally gets a name. Annie Charlie . “Annie” is short for Anastasia, a name we loved as a child. Well, someone of us did. “Charlie” is short for Charlotte, the name of our great grandmother who died when our grandmother was only 3 years old. Last night before falling asleep, Annie Charlie came out. She giggled with such glee and kicked her little legs playfully under the blanket. She is so alive and real and it scares Shell (1, 2). Annie Charlie adores Lyn and wants to phone her every day. Some of us wonder how she can be so happy. Wasn’t she traumatized when she was created? Yes ... but only once. Then childness was preserved. Curiosity and playfulness. Uncontrollable laughter and discovery. Innocence and joy. Someone had to hold onto those qualities, so precious, so golden and sacred.
Yet she is still a two- or three-year-old and she has tantrums. We are getting ready to go out and she rebels, does not want to put her socks on, wants to talk to Lyn. Pouting even more, she takes her pants off too. Oh dear. We have a problem. Patience (1) denies her wish but Othel argues, says we should let her. We are growing backwards, becoming younger and younger .... and louder and louder. We discuss this and decide that we will “raise” our child alters as if they are real children. Why not? It makes sense.
Eventually, Annie Charlie follows Shell around, as if Shell were her mother. And Shell finds out that she loves it. At bath time, Shell puts on the puppet dinosaur called Bubbles and makes him eat bubbles or nibble Annie Charlie’s toes. Annie Charlie is absolutely delighted and giggles and laughs from her belly. She follows Shell throughout the house and asks question after question after question. It is clear when she wants hugs and she gets them. We are raising a child again. Is this bizarre or what.
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