74. Groups again (Today)

Katy Ann (1)

We did not make it to the support group yesterday as our steps are faltering. We are close to stumbling and falling to the ground. And again it is the group that is triggering old memories and pain. What happens when we get triggered? Well there is a scream inside Maura, our mind. A big intense scream – a voice that says “LEAVE ME ALONE!” which doesn’t make sense in the support group but does in the past abuse. We feel the same sense of being threatened when we get triggered and the same panic. We have a very strong urge to jump up and scream at people (fight) or to leave the room immediately (or flight). Yes the fight or flight response. But as a child we could do neither so we created more of us, dissociated and split into more personalities. But now that we can feel those emotions we dared not feel in the past, it is not so easy to just hand the situation over to another alter. Instead we have to deal with the feelings. That’s an opportunity.

We are afraid on two levels. A fear for ourself – that we will somehow be hurt in the group. The other fear is that we will hurt someone else’s feelings in the group. That we absolutely do not want to do. It is supposed to be a safe environment for everyone. It hasn’t always been for us but 99% of the time it has been. However, lately ... well it’s like there’s a transparent layer of our past lying on top of the present day group. We are in both the present and the past and it is extremely difficult to deal with sometimes. We also fear that our milder feelings of irritability (which comes before the fear) will also affect people and make them not feel safe and that we will lose respect in the group.

Groups, groups, groups. We love them and we hate them. They are the playing ground for all of our emotions. The wonderful sense of belonging to a community, being a part of something bigger than ourselves. A place to connect with others and offer them compassion. And it’s a place where the past can show up and wreak havoc. In the past, when we were in support groups, we always got to a point where we could no longer stay. We just couldn’t do it anymore. But this time we don’t want to leave. One of the differences is that this is an open group, with people coming and going all the time. It is never the same group. There are always new people and there are people who don’t stay long. Then there is a core group who usually come. It’s such a different dynamic than a closed support group.

We phoned our friend and “therapist” Sarah yesterday afternoon though not really clear what was going on at first but obviously feeling some kind of pain. As we spoke to her we got clearer how much fear we feel in the group. She stressed that we need support right now and that we are vulnerable. Oh ... right. When we are facilitating we don’t want to feel too vulnerable and we want to be there for others. We don’t deny we need support still as well but we do sometimes tend to squash things down a bit when we facilitate. And sometimes we just hate asking for help. So who likes feeling vulnerable anyway? But that’s what the group is for.

Well we are going to try a strategy that might help us through this without having to permanently leave the group like we have always done. We don’t want to leave this time. That much is clear. But recognizing our triggers and having a plan to deal with them is what we need. Letting the group know this is where we are at can be a part of the plan. And maybe leaving the room for a bit and taking a breather, calming down can be another. Also there are staff available so we can go and talk to someone there. And who knows? Maybe this will help someone else in the group as well. Maybe someone else feels the way we do sometimes.

Anyway ... we’ll see what we can do to change this. This is an opportunity for growth, for changing our fight or flight response. We are not leaving and that’s for sure. This group, this wonderful community is just too precious to throw away. This is a place where we all can grow. It’s an environment that is usually very safe and a place to feel that we are not alone with all of our fears and sorrows.

NOPE. We are not leaving.