92. Today

Pong Yi (by Julia)

This morning it was extremely hard to get out of bed. We felt so very tired. How come? Some kind of heavy cargo we’re carrying around maybe.

We did it. We went to group and told everyone about getting triggered. We mentioned that when we get triggered we get really angry. So if that happens again we will take a breather and leave the room for a while until we calm down. Before we got to the group we talked Inside about our strategy to deal with this demon. We were going to pay special attention to our emotions as people shared in the group. We were also going to be aware of any emotions that come up. If they were difficult ones to deal with we were going to scan our body for where the tension was and we were going to focus on our breath.

Well, we didn’t get triggered. We didn’t even feel irritated at any time, the first sign of a trigger. We felt open and calm, not trapped. Which was great. And it felt good to tell people what was going on with us. So now we are going to try to keep that focus in group. To keep paying attention to those emotions that come up and what they are telling us. To keep breathing and stay grounded. To step back when we feel angry. To notice when we feel afraid.

That’s what it’s really about. Fear. Being triggered equals feeling very threatened. And trapped. There were times during the most intense years of therapy we could not leave our house. Our therapy sessions were so important to us and yet sometimes we could not get to Lyn’s office. Making it from point A to point B seemed impossible. Sure that we would drown on the way. Killed by sharks. Devoured completely. The world was an extremely threatening place back then.

There are still days now and then that are hard to leave our home. We draw our curtains, shut out the light and the world. Bring out the Beans (our stuffed animals). Turn the tv on (surrogate mother). Make some tea. Maybe phone Lance or Sarah. All coping skills. But now we are changing that. We have pushed ourself out the door. We have risked those sharks. And point A to point B is a journey and a destination. A place we must get to.

Yesterday when we were meditating we could feel that we were trying to break down the walls of resistance. We realized that resistance is also a part of the trigger. The more we are resistant, the more likely we are to get triggered, the more we are living in the past. But we don’t have to live there anymore. We’ve done the past so many times, over and over. Maybe not every piece of it. We doubt we will ever remember every piece of the abuse. And we don’t think we have to in order to be well. But we need to pay attention to that resistance. Feel it there within us. A solid wall. God but it’s uncomfortable. Painful sometimes. Yet it is there for a reason. A way to tell ourself, we’re not ready yet. Not ready to move on yet. Give us another minute of now before we move on and into the future. Meditation helps us with all of that.

So our journey continues even though it is not like it was during the most intense years. It has cooled. It is much lighter. It is less of a focus inward and more on the Outside world.

Years ago Lance went to China. He brought back a ceramic figure. Most likely the Asian goddess Kwan Yin who some call the female Buddha and see her as the goddess of compassion. But we and Lance think he misheard her name and thought it was Pong Yi. The name stuck. So did her compassion. When we meditate we usually light a candle in front of her and sometimes burn incense. When we have finished meditating we blow out the candle, bow to Pong Yi and say “for the good of all”. (We also kiss her on her nose) And we mean it. Our wish is that whatever we in The Web do is for the good of all of us. Not just us Webers but everyone in our world, in our environment. That what we do will benefit others in some way as well. And we trust Pong Yi that she will make sure it does. She is our goddess and we have much faith in her. There may not actually be any goddess named Pong Yi in the world but like John Lennon sang “God is a concept”. It’s whatever you choose to believe and we believe in her.

Kwan Yin