94. First integration? (Then)

"Dreams" by Vittorio Corcos

(Our image of Belle)

Othel (1) knows he has stuff to deal with and he’s trying to run as fast as he can. He also realizes it will catch up to him eventually ... if not sooner.

Black Widow (3), through The Mute (3), writes a nasty letter to Sarah. She “hates” how loving and nurturing Sarah is. We know she fears it, fears an eventual betrayal and abandonment. Her letter seems a warning and it makes some of us squirm. Black Widow is brutal. She also admits to being lesbian in the letter. That surprises us – that she tells Sarah. So there she is trying to open up, take a risk on the one hand, at the same time trying to push Sarah away. Her anger and fear are so obvious. “Don’t pretend you could love the Devil herself. Or maybe I’ll show my true colours.” Whew!

A local therapist writes an article for a newsletter we have been receiving. It’s about her patients who are multiple. One of the best things she says is about “false memory syndrome”. There is no such thing, certainly not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. It is not an acknowledged syndrome. This therapist says “the implication that people are making up memories is degrading, horrifying. I can’t think of enough bad things to call it.” Thank you. On top of it all, it’s even more difficult when you are trying to believe yourself. These people are causing so much damage and sometimes are the very people who have, and continue, to abuse. This is their denial and it is not a healthy one. We have enough guilt, doubt and disbelief. We don’t need more.

Oprah talks to a “reverend” in jail about producing children by his own children. Oprah says “Revered, do you understand you are slime?” Oh those were sweet words. Executed in public. That is a bit of revenge. But actually Oprah once offered something even better in another one of her shows. She had a few abusers on who acknowledged what they did, took responsibility for their abuse, and apologized to the ones they hurt. That is true healing. Revenge may feel good but what these men did was even sweeter. It was healing for all. Nonetheless, with the “reverend”, Oprah spoke for us and many others who have been abused. We sent a spiritual thank you to her. It was truly a gift.

It is time to go home says Tir (1). She was told to return. To the place where we were born and the place we were abused. But we will not let her, or us, return. Besides, the group disbanded a long time ago. There is no one to go to, no place anymore. Tir is caught in her past. But that’s okay. We will help her through.

Annie Charlie (1) wanted to write in our journal about her birthday. So we write for her....

I turned 4 years old today and I had a good party. Lance gave me presents and so did Lyn. We had a cake too with 4 candles in it. Lance and Graham sang happy birthday to me. Lance and us went for a walk on the beach today. I looked through binoculars and could see lots of things. Lance told me why there is snow on the mountains but not where we are. Sarah sang happy birthday on the phone to me. I’m a big girl now and I know lots of things. CF made a picture for me that I really like. I made everyone inside laugh cause I went to get all the stuffed animals to put in my party and I got them all in my hands. It was funny but I cried after and I don’t know why. I love everybody and I’m having fun.

Shell (1, 2)  writes à Sometimes I am surprised that we actually exist in other people’s worlds. But what do I expect? We don’t live in a vacuum. I guess it is me feeling insignificant in this world. I don’t really matter.

Something around the corner. Soon we will be there.

The Controller (2) has been everywhere in the world and lived at every time. That is him tapping into the collective unconscious.

We are all over the place today. One minute someone is afraid that something bad is about to happen, that we are in trouble and helpless. The next minute we feel like we can do anything we want to do. And everything in between too.

We are still in the center of the city, of Kereth. The top is like a plateau. Sometimes we stand on that plateau, but other times we are inside the mountain. There is a gate here inside the mountain. Ariel (1) says it is the center of our brain. She means at the “core” of our knowledge. It is the place we could not go when we were in that journaling workshop last year, where the monster lives.

Shell says she knows what those devils of Tir’s look like, that they have claw-like fingers. She says she saw one on the kitchen floor today. He’s a shape shifter too. he turned into an older woman. She says The Bitches (8) may have left but not everyone has.

We have a hard time being around very young children and especially if we have to take care of them. It’s so triggering and reminds us of being at the nursery school. Razor Man (3) in particular has a hard time. He gets very angry. He has dealt with a lot of our abuse, at the nursery school and when CF (1) was abused at James Street. It’s amazing that we raised a son.

Council meeting May 15, 1993. We hold this meeting out of desperation. A low point right now, the pain very intense, at times almost unbearable and extremely frightening. We are still Dead Center, beneath the mountain, walking through a tunnel or cave. We are being flooded with memories of abuse.

Lyn attends a workshop in San Francisco. She role-played Tir and Bennett Braun, who writes about multiplexity, said he thought Tir was ritually abused because she thinks there is a beacon in her brain. He also said Tir is not psychotic. We are so touched by this, so honoured that Lyn would do that in order to help herself and to ultimately help us. It makes us cry.

Graham, now 14, wants to go away for about a month. Shell thinks she has screwed up. That’s really why he wants to leave. To get away from her. Black Widow gleefully tells her she is a bad mother, a failure. Some of us get mad at her for saying that though. But Shell says “Frankly I think she’s right but forget the violins. I really just want to give up.” Later, Black Widow apologizes, says she was only joking and teasing Shell. But she does want to make Shell feel bad.

Alexander (3) cries so much at Sarah’s today. He feels very little and very lost.

Our first integration! Tir and Baby Sarah. Many of us experience and feel the abuse that created Sarah. While reliving the abuse it was utter chaos and lots of switching. No one of us stayed out very long. Alexander’s crying seemed to start it all. Once we knew what was happening we kicked into gear. Wrap the rabbit dolls up in a blanket and give them to Tir. None of us tried to stop the memory which is amazing. We allowed the feelings to surface, terror, horrible pain. Too awful but it must be done and we do. The sense of helplessness and loss comes forth and then is released. We are okay. We mourn for the child who was hurt and “disappeared”.

The aftermath. We desperately need to feel safe. Tir seems unsure about Baby Sarah. She says that sometimes she can feel Baby Sarah inside herself but sometimes she can’t. She’s hurting so much and we can feel it throughout the Web.

Inside the mountain, at Dead Center, what seemed like a tunnel is actually a canal, a birth canal. Are we born yet? Tir was afraid she would lose Baby Sarah so the integration helps her feel that she will never lose her now.

We are all together tonight. Not one of us missing, not one hiding. A sense of peace for now. A break.