The Portal to the Wars
The Mute (3). Taught not to speak. Taught to remember the Eye only and the threat to be carried out if one, even one, small sound ....
Child, you cannot, will not ever speak!
the Eye watches you always
speak and these things will be done to you ...
for your disloyalty
your unfaithfulness
for the bond you break.
Child, no one will listen to you
no one will want to hear you
your words will be silent – always
no one will understand
no one.
so speak not of these things
this I command of you
this I demand of you
that we may be forever bonded
skin to skin
mouth to mouth
loin to loin.
Child, you are forever mine
and I will always watch over you
Then ... the sound that comes of small whimpering, she cries. And black cloth tears spill out to form a pool.
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Post-integration
Baby Sarah (8) is okay now! She feels peaceful and safe. It emanates throughout the Web. I am amazed. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Integration can be pretty powerful. Patience (1) says that Tir (1) looks really well, a warm glow on her face. Wonder if that’s like a mother after she has given birth. A friend of ours had that look after giving birth to her second daughter. She just glowed too and she looked so peaceful. Maybe this will help Tir deal with things, give her some strength to do the work she needs to do. Let’s hope so.
And then it all shifts. Again. The pain comes back and a lot of it from Tir. Patience says that Tir is now feeling the “loss” of Baby Sarah. Even though they integrated there is still the loss of the individual named Sarah. This is how it goes when you’re multiple I guess. We can feel Tir’s grief and recognize the need for safety and groundedness.
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Still afraid of the night. It has been like this for about a week. Possibly new memories trying to surface. There is definitely something new and different Inside.
We are still in Dead Center. The Mute comes out with Lance today. The first time she has spoken. Lance noticed the change.
That sound last night, the one from us, Patience says it was The Beast of Rage. So frightening.
It feels like everyone Inside is trying to come out at the same time. A tremendous energy. Volcanic.
Suicidal feelings. They come up often when things aren’t going well. Even if a meal doesn’t turn out right we want to simply give up. That’s it! I’m done! Can’t cope with co-op meetings and other social activities. Can’t do normal right now. Our suicide note would look like this “Sorry I couldn’t’ take it anymore. The cheese on the pizza was too strong and I couldn’t eat it.” Will we get back to normal some day? Lance says we are not very resilient right now. That’s a good word. It describes how we feel and it is not a critical word either. We are not lacking in something so much as not able to deal with even the little things in life. Too overwhelmed.
The Mute is young, maybe a teenager. Something childlike about her and yet a kind of maturity there as well. Waif. And tall.
CF (1) remembers when we were 7 years old. We went to Guyana in South America, the place where our grandmother and mother were born, as well as an aunt and uncle and their three children, our cousins. CF remembers Guyana, remembers visiting someone in Georgetown. Men were building downstairs. She remembers helping to make the bricks. They showed her how to sweep. She remembers riding on the back of a bicycle with a woman, a friend of the family, remembers she liked this woman. She remembers a house, green walls, buildings on stilts, wooden shutters on the windows, rice and fish. Remembers our grandmother who went with us to Guyana. Our mother stayed home. CF remembers our grandmother was good.
Our grandmother was fierce when it came to the protection of children. She did not like our stepfather. This we remember clearly.
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Touching. Some of us need to be touched. Annie Charlie (1), CF need to be cuddled. But others of us shrink from contact. We are afraid of touching back, as if Outsiders’ skin is hot and will burn us. But it was different with our son. When he was little some of us touched him a lot. Hugs and many kisses. He smelled of baby skin and young boy’s cheeks. We needed his smell. Like oxygen. He had to be consumed. When we were young, some of us loved the smell of our dolls, especially Susie, our favourite. She smelled of new and warm plastic, for some reason safe and comforting. Touch and smell. .... we did not touch our mom and dad very much.
We still can’t figure out why Sarah cares so much about us. How many of us talk to her? CF, Annie Charlie, Timothy (3) cries with her. Katy Ann (2), who, in the future, wants to know when Sarah is leaving town, so that we will be prepared for her departure, so we won’t hurt too much when she goes. Black Widow (3) complains about me and everything else to Sarah. Ariel (1) wants me to reveal something to Sarah but I don’t know what. I can feel something but I don’t understand what it is. It’s not coming from me though. Ariel apologizes. She thought I knew. ... knew what?
The screams are crawling up to my throat. Panic Inside. We phone Lance and ask him to come over. We need hugs and a feeling of safety. Lance can give us that. Othel (1) is finding it hard to concentrate on things when we are like this. Our thoughts and feelings are all over the place. One minute pain, the next minute release, the next minute fear. And on it goes. Will it ever stop or will it be like this for the rest of our life?
Don’t want to go to bed again. Don’t like the night. Stay up! Stay awake! Stay alert! For what? My hands have dark shadows and things shift. Lance comes over but good are we. We can’t tell him anything yet.
I want to leave Lance alone for at least a day or two. I feel so responsible for his well being and so afraid this will be too much for him, that we will be too much. But we need him and especially for CF and Annie Charlie.
Black Widow is unleashing all kinds of shit and listening to everyone Inside is driving me nuts. There is an intensity every day that is overwhelming. We try to “cool it down” however we can but it’s very hard to do. There are thoughts in our head that I can’t get and others I can’t even understand. I am afraid something is going to give, going to snap. Elastic-band-stretched-to-the-limit kind of snap.
Tir’s memories surfacing. I only get glimpses but enough that I don’t like what I see. I feel like throwing up. I call the Crisis Line and talk until Lance gets here. I feel so scared. At least we take care of the children Inside because they feel the fear too.
Tir screaming to “take it away”. So we shut down and curl into a ball. Everything collapses inward. Freeze! Don’t move! Don’t make a sound! Just stay still .......... Then Ariel pops out. Her and Lance get supper together. Thank you Ariel. ... and then a lot of arguing Inside. Black Widow on a rant, complaining about everything again, giving all of us a hard time. Patience tells Lance she’s worried about Tir, and that if he thinks Tir is going to harm herself he should call her, call Patience. Tir takes the bottle of Ativan to the bedroom but decides not to take them.
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