This is Boo. Isn't she cute?
Pools of Doubt
Katy Ann (2) speaks to Sarah on the phone. She’s getting a little braver every day.
Some of us are feeling quite frightened by things going on. I decide to call on Gabriel (3) to help us and me. I need his presence. When he comes near I can feel his presence surround me. I and others feel more comforted, a little less afraid. This is a first for me, calling on another later to help me. And I have not had any direct contact with Gabriel before. Come to think of it there are quite a few I haven’t had direct contact with except in our council meetings.
Tir’s (1) memories are fading a little into the background, giving us a much needed rest. They are very painful and difficult to deal with.
Our anxiety is very high again. We are terrified the phone will ring with some kind of demand from someone, some expectation. At times it is very difficult to deal with expectations and obligations. It acts like a trigger and reminds us of things we had to do and absolutely did not want to do in the years of abuse. It strikes terror deep within, makes us want to curl up into a ball so small you cannot see us anymore. We would like to be invisible, wanting to just disappear into the darkness, away from those harsh voices and prying fingers. It is hard to explain to people how much we want to hide and how much we fear expectations. What can we tell them?
We also fear that we will “lose” Lance, that he will not want to spend as much time with us. And yet …. we are afraid of him getting closer as well.
There is just so much work to be done, so much to understand and process. It is constantly overwhelming.
Othel (1) has theories. Many of them. Today he talks about pain, like layers of skin peeling away. What is under those layers? Us. The true “me”. When we think of being raw and exposed it may seem like we are more and more vulnerable as each layer is removed but he thinks it’s actually the opposite. We are stronger with fewer layers. When we have so many layers on us we are more vulnerable in the world. We have less resilience. We may think those layers act like a shield protecting us from life itself but he thinks it makes us more rigid, limiting our existence, limiting what we can do, and most importantly, restricting our feelings. With layers peeling off we become more open, more sensitive to life and we are more able to deal with it all. We become emotionally stronger. He says our heart grows bigger, more full and we have more contact with deeper emotions such as sadness and love. We may continue to be afraid but we do not shrink from it. We allow ourself to feel the fear, acknowledge it and then push past it. It does not limit us so much. Armour makes you numb. Walls limit you. Restricting our vision of the world makes us more afraid, and causes a lot of pain as we try to shrink more and more away from whatever is hurting us. It’s a dead end, he says. We are left barren. But if we allow ourself to open, to peel away those layers of fear and shrinking, we have more and more access to a fuller heart and to deeper joy. Well, we say, then let’s work on that. Peel away. We don’t want to be numb anymore. Give us life and all that it has to offer us. Let’s live as much as we can.
Speaking of pain, there is lots today. Almost unbearable. We have to remember that this is change, this is a process of becoming, this is necessary in order to grow.
Intimacy is so frightening for us. We want to be more intimate with Lance and yet it’s terrifying, almost suffocating us. It makes some of us sad as we want to be close to him. And we want to care for and about him. But some Inside can hardly bear the closeness. Our stomach heaves and tightens. We are afraid this will hurt Lance and Patience (1) says we have to let that go. We do not have control over what hurts him and what doesn’t. We can only be responsible for our own stuff, our own behaviour. And we can give him what we are right now, in this moment. This is all of us, as much as we can give.
Graham asks us to fix his pants. The zipper needs sewing. I hate sewing! And it was our mother’s passion. Funny how that works. So – what to do. No problem says Belle (3). I’ll do it. Next minute she has the sewing machine out and away we go. In ten minutes the pants are fixed. Belle likes to fix things, likes using the screwdriver and hammer. She doesn’t actually like sewing but it’s her job, her role, her function in the group to fix things. And we are so grateful. Thank you Belle.
Before sleep I hear their voices. Not ones Inside. Others. Soft, feathery whispers that hang in the air. Angels. Spirits. Light Beings. Hovering. Are they here to protect us? Are they here to make my nights more bearable? I hope so.
Phoenix (8) has been wounded. There is a stain on her white dress. Blood. It comes from her heart. Wounded and bleeding. It makes us feel so sad. We know she is dying.
On our way to see a friend. The four little ones – Julia (1), CF (1), Katy Ann and Annie Charlie (1) are quite excited about the bus ride. Katy Ann gets a little annoyed and hits Annie Charlie but Ariel (1) handles it quickly. Annie Charlie is a little hurt but bounces back quickly. Ariel is kind to Katy Ann too. She understands her anger.
Visiting our friend is nice then the long bus ride home. We realize that going far away from home is very difficult for us. Even though we are glad to visit our friend, we are in unfamiliar surroundings and it upsets us quite a bit. When we get home we burst into tears. Our need for home, comfort and safety is so strong and has been growing stronger as we uncover more and more memories. A need to feel safe, to feel cozy, to feel comforted. It’s the same with being around people a fair bit. We need to be alone often. We need that sanctuary. What will it be like when we return to work?
The process of writing a book has already begun and it is very painful to go back and read our journals. How will this be possible? Patience thinks we need to heal more first. Right now our energy is focused on dealing with the pain. Even daily chores and “normal” things are difficult.
Our relationship with Graham is going really well these days. We are able to deal with problems quite easily. The love and respect for each other goes both ways. He is talking about moving out, being more responsible, getting a job. He is only 15. We hope he won’t move out that early but we are pleased and proud that he wants to grow up. We must be cautious though. Something new could surface and I could go back to believing I am the worst mother in the world quite quickly. Also, we need to give him room to “play” still and to trust he will come round to growing up when it’s time. Our priority is to have a good relationship with him, one that is healthy and open and honest. One that supports both of us.
Dream: mine. I feel the acceptance, the removal of Denial and Doubt, about the abuse. I cry out in the dream and upon waking “oh god no”. It is so terrible and frightening. It is also progress. Bringing the past up, remembering it, in some way it becomes the present, blends in with the present, and is no longer the past. We must move through it just as we move through the present. The feelings come in the present, something we experience now.
Then suddenly we shut down. The Observers (1) take over. Something has happened Inside but it’s not clear what it is. We retreat from the world.
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Confusion upon “waking”. Othel and I have trouble seeing things like words on a page and some things closer up. Patience says it’s because we are trying to look Inside and not concentrating on what’s Outside. Mixing up letters, words, clumsy, uncoordinated, confused, hearing things not quite right. Where am I? Who am I? Lost some part of myself. What? Who? What is Phoenix doing? That’s what it’s like waking up to find I’m here. Where was I? Pieces gone, time gone, chunks missing, missing me.
Someone doesn’t want to go to bed early. It feels safer to stay up.
Agoraphobia. Afraid to go outside. What if we have a panic attack while we are out and won’t get home in time? Afraid to leave home. Maybe that is part of being away from home, in unfamiliar surroundings. Part of the same fear. What if we panic? It’s a painful adjustment each time we go somewhere “new”, somewhere “not home”. I want to stay home. But we get depressed being home all the time. Lyn is away and Sarah is ill. No one to call.
Lyn says we are working really fast right now. I don’t know what she means.
Tir still thinks Lyn has needles that she will use on her. Tir spits angry words out in our journal, firing at Lyn, meant for her to warn her away. At the same time Tir wants Lyn closer, to hold her and comfort her. It is very confusing.
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I don’t understand the place we are at now. It’s been like this for a while. I guess after Tir shared those two memories with us but I think even before that something was different. A certain tension is not there now but that doesn’t mean we are more relaxed. It’s more like something has been pushed back deeper into the dark. It’s as if everything is hushed.
Kereth. We are still on top of that mountain. Lots of snow around and we are very high up. Above everything else. A place of isolation, apart from everything. Gabriel says we must stay here for now though. He is leader. Is he waiting for something to come to us or waiting for a sign to move on? He paces back and forth and is absorbed with his own thoughts, almost oblivious to the rest of us.
Othel in deep pain. Remembering what? It doesn’t matter for now, only that he needs comfort. We tell him how much we love him and how sorry we are for the pain he has carried. It is like trying to look in a window of smoky glass. You can only see outlines and shadows of things that have happened. But we can feel it all. A sickness in our stomach, a heavy rock sinking to the bottom of a lake.
I wonder if all this recovering doesn’t cause you to come to a point of hating just about everything in the world. So many things in everyday life lose the “pleasantness” they used to have. I think of summer and the different activities that we do in North America, go to beaches, parks, and music festivals. Now we have no desire to take part in these things. It is as if, bit by bit, you discover how much you were betrayed by your own society, by your own culture. So what used to be perceived as okay and fun is now a blatant symbol of that betrayal. It is as if it were all some illusion to keep us quiet. But we do not want to be quiet anymore. We don’t want to be “entertained”, and made complacent. We want to find a place where we are not lied to anymore. Is there such a place?
Judith Herman (“Trauma and Recovery”) understands this in a way. She says that when trauma is done by humans, and not the result of a natural disaster, those who witness, i.e., listens to the victim’s story, are forced to take a side. “It is morally impossible to remain neutral in this conflict.” It is easier and more tempting to take the perpetrator’s side, easier to be complacent, because the perpetrator merely asks the witness to do nothing. “He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil.” But the victim asks the witness to share her pain, demands some kind of action on the bystander’s side. The perpetrator promotes forgetting, secrecy and silence. If secrecy doesn’t work then the perpetrator “attacks the credibility of his victim …. Tries to make sure that no one listens.”
The arguments …
It never happened.
The victim is lying.
The victim is exaggerating.
The victim brought it upon herself.
Let the past go and move on.
Also, when the one who bears witness is alone in this role, has no support, it is easier to be on the perpetrator’s side, to not believe the victim, to look the other way. Herman says that “dispute has raged over whether patients with post-traumatic conditions are entitled to care and respect or deserving of contempt, whether they are genuinely suffering or malingering, whether their histories are true or false and, if false, whether imagined or maliciously fabricated. …. Debate still centers on the basic question of whether these phenomena are credible and real.”
It is one of our biggest fears, to not be believed, and to be criticized. To be held in contempt. We need all of those who do support us around us, these who believe.
We allow Othel’s feelings to surface, to be felt. We cry with him and hug him. This is the Remembering.
The Time Traveller (2) is busy again. Memories of being sick when we were young. We feel unwell right now. A man’s voice, speaking strangely, talking nonsense, strange words. It’s familiar and scary. A time warp.
We are shopping for groceries when suddenly a man is trying to hold a young woman who has just shoplifted. Twice we step in to try to diffuse the situation. They are both so angry and we try to calm them down. Patience and Gabriel. The police come and ask us to write down what we witnessed. It’s very difficult to do as we are quite disturbed by the event. Lots of switching and a rush to get home quickly. To cry. Some of the little ones Inside are very upset but we are happy that we helped the woman even though she was breaking the law. We felt some kind of compassion for her.
Julia is so often like a dazed doll, her mouth hangs open, her eyes staring. In a way she is relaxing to me, her numbness, her “catatonia”. She is mostly a space case. It is only when she is doing some lettering or other art activity she wakes up and seems more alert and alive. Music helps her too as she loves singing. But I really don’t know her very well at all.
I am becoming more and more aware of the others, shifting, switching, changing, blurring but I also seem to be more and more confused about who, what, when. I think the others are a lot more active on the Outside or next to the Outside than I thought. Maybe I’m just going crazy and nobody really knows it.
Dream: of an evil woman. This is the second time I, or we, dream about her. She is very scary. Has dark hair, shoulder length, dark clothes. No, she is not Tir. Don’t know who she is but she’s definitely not Tir. We call upon the trees to help us, to banish her, as if we are calling on all power possible and all tree energy and force to deal with her.
Katy Ann doesn’t want to eat. She is angry and stubborn. It’s not just a matter of pushing her back so we can eat. Instead we treat her to a milkshake. That she wants. And she is surprised and very pleased that we give it to her. She obviously doesn’t expect anyone to be nice to her. We are glad Ariel suggested the milkshake. We want Katy Ann to know we care about her even when she is being difficult. And it’s not easy to do it. Her stubbornness does make some of us uncomfortable and even angry at her but we are trying very hard within the system to support every one of us. The most difficult ones are the ones who need the most care.
We are able to eat again without Katy Ann getting upset. She got what she needed and it benefits all of us.
Some want to come out and be more active. Others of us try to push them back because we are afraid for them to come out.
Tir comes out in a session with Lyn. She seems “out of it”, not knowing who Lyn is. She talks about long nails or claws she has which she uses to dig the earth and bury her memories, so she seems to have some recognition of what is going on with her. When will she start to get better and not be so lost in her head? It’s so hard for me when she surfaces. I “feel” her thoughts and perceptions and deep in the pit of my stomach an awful feeling comes. Scared. I have never liked it when reality starts going weird. I fight hard to hold onto this “Consensus Reality.”
More stuff on tv about repressed memories and “wrongly accused” parents. Why does it upset me so much? Why do I feel like I have to look at our situation and keep checking for the truth? I just want to phone Sarah and Lyn and say – forget it. I quit. I’m not doing this anymore. I must be lying. Lance says I shouldn’t doubt. He believes us and how could I fool him or Sarah or Lyn. All three are very intelligent and perceptive people. Patience thinks I’m trying to work it out, the Doubt and Disbelief, the Denial. She says I may be feeling upset because there is still some doubt and I feel angry with myself for it. That makes a lot of sense. I guess I think stupid Shell, it’s been three years. Surely by now you believe. No there are many droplets of doubt falling like tears. I walk in a still shallow pool of doubt.
Phoenix is dying. Yes, we know. Will she rise from the ashes then? Will we be reborn? Or do we lose her completely?
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