The Red
“What waits for you in silence is the insight and direction you need to
determine the next step in your quest.” [C Baldwin p 49]
In the silence, held trembling, the voices emerge. They are calling you out, out of your pain, out of your confusion, out of your rage. They know you are lost now but not forever. They say they will guide you through, on this crusade, on this ship. The voices come deep from the ocean floor, from amidst the stalagmites, sea vents, and trilobytes. Sighing they rise gently to the surface, breaking through the glassy sea. There are voices that speak to you, cry to you, boom in their rage, weeping, sobbing, screaming .... or .... they come to you in comfort and with guidance. They hear your questions and are willing to answer all – in good time. As you sit in your silence those voices emerge.
Silence is letting go, releasing your tight grasp on what you cannot steer, abandoning your expectations and frustrated desires. For when you do, you will find yourself standing on a threshold where your new journey begins. Look and you will see the gateway. Sit in silence and you will find the invitation.
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Othel (1) believes that people cause harm to others, to the world, because they are wounded and need healing. Without health we are angry, toxic, addicted, feel powerless and worthless, become depressed and anxious. And we become self-centered, self-focused, even narcissistic because our needs are so great. We cannot truly give to others while we are this way for we have not given to ourselves first. This is our responsibility – to ourself and to our world.
Split Face (4) has a growly, gravel-like voice but he is not scary. At least not to me.
Nightmare: we are pushed down into a hole, deeper and deeper and cement will be poured on top of us. It is such a terrifying feeling, worse than claustrophobia if that is possible. We are about to die.
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A voice Inside says “The Pit”. Nothing else.
Another 3-year-old surfaces. At first it seems okay for her to come but then sadness arises and we feel it for her. Annie Charlie (1) is especially affected because this is her twin. We wrap the twin up in a blanket, keeping her warm and comforting her while she sucks her thumb. We take turns holding her.
Duality. Split Face in halves and a pair of twins.
Work looms ahead. Not long now and we will return. We hope the timing is right. This will be a meeting with the Outside world again. In 1990 and 1991 the pull towards our inner world was so strong and sometimes it was too much and overwhelmed us. We began to disconnect from everything. But now, bit by bit, we are ready to meet the world on its terms again. Our internal world will be kept safe though. The challenge now is to find a balance between the two. I think that will be very hard work indeed but we have new skills, tools that we have acquired over the past 3 years.
The twin’s name is Amanda (1). We give her a stuffed rabbit to hold called Sunny Bunny.
I remember so little about my childhood. I can’t picture my mother there. I can’t feel what it was like to be with her. I don’t remember her hugs or comfort. She is so distant and I feel so distant from her. What does it feel like to have a mom, to be close to your mom? I look at Graham and I see how close we are. There is such a strong bond between us. I wish I had that with my mom.
A hero’s journey is made up of three parts. The first is the preparation, the second the journey itself and the third is the return home. Each part has its gifts. Each part teaches us something about ourselves. King Arthur followed this path. What resonates most for us now is his return voyage, the retracing of his steps. That is what we do now. Go over the past, see where we tread and what we learned along the way.
Also, it is clear what I, Shell (1, 2), need to do. I must respect the others. Nothing will work for us if I don’t. I need to learn to trust them as well and not fear them taking over. I do not need to be in control nor do I have to know everything that is going on. I have to allow them to express themselves through me if they need to, to give them voice.
And none of this is easy, and probably won’t be for a long time yet.
As well, though, the others must respect me. They have to stop hassling me and understand that I am doing my best dealing with all of this. Of course, we all need to work together as much as we can. We can disagree with each other but not work at cross purposes in terms of work, relationships and daily life. We need to remember we are all on the same “team”, the same side.
And none of this is easy.
Tir (1) is very frightened about going back to work. What is she afraid of?
Session with Lyn: Amanda came out but didn’t say very much. She mostly just sucked her thumb and cried a bit.
Lyn asked if Tir needed to come out. She did and told of the terrible abuse that happened to the Children of the Thirteen (3), this time involving Alexander (3) and Nigel (3). This was when they were created. Split Face was quite frightened about Tir telling Lyn. [The Mute (3)]
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First day back and it is extremely difficult. We want to cry the minute we leave our home and we are sad to leave the rabbit dolls behind. By noon we cannot stop the tears. Tir tries to be present despite how much pain she is in. Black Widow (3) has become one of her protectors and is angry that Tir is hurting so much. She wants us to go home and not put Tir through this torture.
All of this is a part of our healing process and there is still so much work to be done, for us to do. However, this is us opening our heart just a little. This is us finding all that is good and strong within, believing in ourself, in our selves. This is the invitation to hope and to everything that is possible for us.
October/1994: Caer has made a lot of progress over the past six months including returning to her job. Although it has been very stressful for her she has coped and is very pleased with herself. We are now meeting on a weekly basis instead of twice weekly. I notice that she has not been calling me in crisis for the past month. I notice that in our sessions she is continuing to work in depth, piecing together her past and working through feelings and memories. Some of her most intense have been the past month. She is showing many signs of health .... relationships, art, volunteering support. I have much respect for her. She continues to impress me with her courage and resourcefulness. Her prognosis is excellent.
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