127. Disappeared (1995)

Cast Iron Will

[Warning: some descriptions of abuse]

He describes himself to Lance as a black hole inside Wyrd-Mama’s (4) Belly. He says he takes all of her pain and has carried her memories all this time. He also talks about Shana (4), says she is fidgety and restless, doesn’t like to keep still. She was tied down. Little Ruby (4) was told she was dirty and was hosed down. Then there were pictures and Una (4) could not take anymore. So Gabriel (3) stepped in and created Flash (3).

Confusion reigns these days. Mumblings at night. Scared even more. Something happens before we fall asleep. A door is opened inside of us. We let the information in which leads to this ....

It is he that blanks us out, swallows “me” up into that blackness, makes us disappear. He is The Black Hole in Maura (4), The Evil Eye, The Evil “I”. He is the darkness within us.

Everything seems broken. Unfixable. I feel full of anger and hatred for me, for us. Anger so intense, so unbearable, exhausting, leaving us nothing to live with afterwards. There is a red dot inside this black thing, the Evil Eye/I thing. He poses an outward calm that hides the searing rage inside. The red dot is hot, hot, hot. Full of giving up and wanting to hurt someone – us. Can we stab ourself maybe? Just to ease the pain and isn’t that some kind of contradiction? Hurting ourself in order to reduce the pain. Everything is broken, backwards and inside out. How can we feel compassion for others who have been similarly hurt and nothing, no love, for us who have suffered as well? Why doesn’t the damn thing work? Why doesn’t anything work?

Birthday cards not sent. Dishes not washed. Groceries not bought. Everything we haven’t done. What a fuck up we are!

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Shana runs away, gets lost, so we have to look for her, lost in order that we notice her. She wants us to see the place she lives and see it is empty, that she is missing. She wants someone to want her.

We are afraid to scream even though it is what we most want to do. If we begin to scream we will never be able to stop. We will violently vomit it out, spew out all of our terror and rage. Then we will go over the edge, into pure and clean insanity. Gone and forever. What a relief that will be. There will be no sense of self then, no personal history, no identity. No Self (4). Invisible. “Disappeared”. The Evil Eye/I will swallow us whole and we will never be seen again.

There were children who were “disappeared”. No other word for it. Gone. They were simply gone. Nothing and no one to tell us where. Only the empty space of a life that was lived. Gone, gone, gone.

You realize don’t you that my writing here makes it real, takes away some of my Denial and Doubt, as if I were betraying myself. My hand cannot lift the pen without belief. I feel unable to lie to me. Miss Angry (1) may say to me “you lie” but then who is she to exist. A voice Inside means a split, means it happened, means it’s all real. And yet, even silence doesn’t necessarily say “you lie”. Sometimes I shut the door on all of them. It is only my silence, my retreat. A brief rest from all of it.

And it is what they meant us to do. To doubt, to deny, to be silent. It’s a program. A tape that runs over and over. They will not believe. You will not believe. Question after question. Is this real? Am I real? What is real?

Children are born with wings. They are meant to fly.

Our wings have been held back so tightly. Patience (1) says soon they will open.

Flash does not understand the nasty words they use. He does not know what they mean or why they are calling him those things. He only knows that he too is dirt. And he does everything they tell him to do.

Today someone took all of my time away. Many pieces missing. I don’t remember our appointment with Lyn. We had clients today. Did we see them? Can’t feel my body. Don’t know where I am what year what place. Who am I?

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Everyone sucked into the Evil Eye/I. Everyone gone except me. Within the Evil Eye/I are babies who began to cry and the Web cracked like mind snapping. Too much for us. Sorry says Evil Eye/I. Me too. Sorry.

Some of the babies inside the Evil Eye/I came out with Lyn. One has stomach spasms, jerks a lot and makes scared noises. One is scared to be touched even by Lyn. One baby just breathes really fast. When one starts to cry they all start to cry. One is stoned all the time. She offered to take her clothes off for Lyn but Lyn said she didn’t have to. [The Mute (3)]

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We have become unstuck, cleaned out, the pressure released.

No Self worries me, something disturbing about her. It is as if she holds a mirror that I can’t see in yet and I’m afraid to look.

The good news is that Othel (1) and I worked hard at our job today. A break from yesterday’s intensity and insanity. Cold crazy feelings. Distorted thoughts and word salad. But it was only a break. Today the pain returns blinding. We bang our head against the wall. So frustrated with feeling lost. We can’t get to where we want to go yet, wherever that is. Finally phone the crisis line. Someone to talk to. Everything seems so hopeless again.

The babies and Una came out again in a session with Lyn. They were crying, scared and stomach spasms. Una was scared too and didn’t want to go into the memory. There were two voices that spoke at the same time, the voice of the Demon. Una was afraid the babies could not survive remembering what happened to them. The Demon’s voice was terrifying. We wondered if Lyn heard it. some were scared we would die from it. Some are still scared that it could come from other people, people who we trust. The Demon could make that happen and then we won’t be able to trust anyone. [The Mute]

The pain is so bad that we cannot go to work today. When it is like this all of our energy has to go to functioning on some level. We don’t have room for anything else. The inside pain screams at us constantly, makes such a loud noise that nothing else can be heard. It is like being so cold that your toes and fingers become numb. All the warmth must go to your internal organs. It is the same with the pain of Remembering. All the external things, the obligations, the daily functioning must be left to go cold. All of our energy, all of our heat must go to what is happening inside our head. There is just so much to deal with. It is not possible to think or worry about food and dirty clothes and phone calls and work. Too much is being asked of us. Way too much.

We move so slowly now. Our body feels traumatized. In shock. As if post-surgery when you can barely move. In a way it feels good to go slow. To take one thing at a time. To shut down all unnecessary systems and focus hard on just the next step. It is a relief to let go.

But then all the bad things return. Relief does not stick around for long. We must function eventually.

I wish we could “disappear”.