Beasts of Rage
What a rollercoaster ride this is. Our mood all over the place. Nothing consistent and continuing. Pieces here and there and everywhere. And trying to ignore our dreams. Someone does not want to see them. Can’t say I blame them.
A shift for me. I am beginning to be present with some now. I feel their presence and know it’s not me. I don’t always know who is there but that’s okay. Sort of. I’m not sure it matters who.
There are times when the ordinary world becomes foreign to me. I am detached from it. People tell me I am still making sense but my words do not make sense to me. They simply float out of my mouth, up, up and disappear into thin air. By the time someone catches them they are no longer mine to understand. They are on their own then. It is only the words inside my head that register and make sense to me.
Why does No Self (4) create a barrier between me and the others? At least that’s what it feels like. The dark place is within Evil Eye/I (4). I think No Self is in the black part of his eye or maybe within the eye itself. See that makes sense to me but I’m sure you are thinking I’m too far out and gone. Then how about this. The Beast of Rage (1) breaks through from Evil Eye/I, breaks out of his hold. I can feel it and hear it when it happens. It is a huge monster with a loud roar and the sound of shattering glass and chaos and thunder. This is Inside. So separate from everything else. All of it scares me but I am unable to do anything. Nothing can be done anyway.
I know Tir (1) is always here, in some way. Even when I am not.
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It is later now and I am beginning to understand No Self and that I am actually connected to her and her to me. When I say “I don’t know who I am”, I am right in also saying that “I am No Self”. How very Zen-like. Duality and oneness. The existence of both. No identity which is identity as well. She gives me a sense of my self as no self.
While there are still so many questions to be asked and to be answered ... there have been a lot of answers lately.
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A strange dream that spirit beings were being buried in cement. Is this our spirituality being annihilated? A trauma to our very soul? Reminds me of that other dream not so long ago, about the pit that got filled with cement. It is such an awful feeling that I can’t find the words for it. It is beyond terror.
No Self’s thoughts are very loud and I can’t block them out. She takes the clock down from the wall because it really scares her for some reason. She is also very angry and says “no” to a lot of things. NO to eating. NO to sleeping. NO to going out. NO to making phone calls.
Someone is scared that we will be put in a hole and covered with cement.
We keep missing work and feel so guilty about it. Lyn says she will phone them any time for us if needed. She will let them know we are “ill”. She hugs us nice today and makes us feel comforted. When we leave her office we feel a weight lifted.
When Lance visits No Self goes to him for comfort – for the first time.
We dream of Riker from Star Trek, that we are walking with him and he is holding our hand. We ask him if it’s okay to be cared for like this, like being a child again even though we are now an adult. He says it’s just fine.
The Lost Side of Split Face (4). A dispirited soul.
And more nightmares. A plane going down. A building on fire. These are old dreams. Over and over through time. Processing our past, our life.
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