"Tiger Heart"
(Are we insane or what?)
“Insanity .... where boundaries break down and maximum freedom seems possible, insanity can result for those who cannot face up to the resultant chaos and abyss .. the specter of limitlessness for those who are not gods is madness.” (Heart of Darkness - by Joseph Conrad)
[Bear with us here. A number of us were writing in our journal and some of us sound quite psychotic in these writings. I don’t think we really were but our reality Inside was becoming quite distorted and strange at this time as we were in the thick of remembering things that happened to us and trying to make sense of those events. We got pretty weird sometimes. Forgive us. Shell]
Often there are fears of losing Lyn. I guess it’s the old issue of abandonment rearing its ugly head. We are pretty dependent on her while we are in the thick of our therapy and recovery. We need her a lot right now. Maybe our relationship with Lyn is symbolic of our relationship with our mother.
The opening of the Panes of Glass have shown us a very clear path down the Central Core. Inside Gaetway, inside Blue World. We are heading down to more levels deep Inside of us. What is there I don’t know yet.
Over the past few days Pearl (4) has been saying “I’m sorry. I’m sorry” over and over. Today we find out it is attached to a memory about The Beast Without, our stepfather. Makkio (4) says he knew her apology wouldn’t do any good. We would be punished anyway.
We now have a group of us as Clean-Up Crew. These alters will go in after any memories that surface and deal with the abuser in some way. I guess it’s sort of like having some sense of closure about that event and letting go of it. The best part is that they will punish the abuser in some way.
January 23, 1996: Caer very distressed – more memories. Today Pearl experienced abuse in memories. Caer in terrible emotional and physical pain. She appreciated my concern last week. She fears abandonment and/or my not being able to handle her – or Lance and Graham not able to handle her.
Tonight, after our session with Lyn, the pain is still here but there is also a feeling of relief and release. It is so not fun to have memories surface but it always seems to provide some sense of healing. It makes it worth remembering the abuse so that we can finally let go and move on with our life.
It is amazing to think that those who abuse others find some kind of rationalization for their behaviour, some belief that what they are doing is okay. How they justify it is beyond us but it seems as if they must think it right in some way. Maybe they think they deserve to have power over others and they deserve to punish others. We don’t know what it feels like to not have empathy for another human when they are in pain. We don’t know what it is like to feel deep hatred for others. It must be a real dead end in some way. A limited way of thinking and being. Fewer possibilities in life.
The last door opens slowly – teasing us with what lies behind. It is the Darkness itself as always, but Light is there too – in the form of knowledge. The Web begins to vibrate in fear and anticipation. Everyone knows something is coming.
The stomach is nauseous as well as tight in tension. Tir’s (1) mind is extremely active, in a frenzy. The Web’s mind – Maura – is also charged with Blue Humming Knowledge.
Archimedes (4) has pushed today for the Knowledge to be given. And most of it has to do with The Bitches (8).
Question: how long ago did Black Widow (3), previously known as Gladys the Bitch, leave the Bitches and join with The Thirteen (3) instead. Better to be aligned with The Thirteen, who are Good, rather than The Bitches – Embodiment of Evil.
Bitches are not so different than witches and vampires, bats and illusions, hallucinations, madness, blood and so on.
Yes, well I can see that things are getting crazier all the time and more of us using the journal to communicate. God we have some weird thoughts. But they aren’t new to me. Back in 1990 and 1991 I too was writing weird stuff in our journal. And I have to say I am glad to see what the others are thinking even if it’s scary sometimes.
Belle (3) is nervous about Edith’s herbal remedies we’re getting. She thinks the remedies are a way to open our minds so that Edith can read them. Although Belle has feared this before (with how much Monica knew about ritual abuse and multiplexity) it is noticeable that the Web is much more affected now because Angéla (5) has brought The Bitches forth. Undoubtedly their influence and force will be felt by many of us.
The Bitches are the ones we must really watch for now as they become substance once again. This time it is likely that their influence will be felt by many more, more than just Tir and Shell (1, 2). Our key to the them is Angéla. We work with her.
The need to understand this Web is so strong right now. As all doors open (thanks to Bad (4) and Jigsaw (4)) the readiness is there. The need to tell our story is also there so strong. The need to write it, to draw it, to dance it....
Being multiple and experiencing intense abuse has left us with adrenaline still pumping after all these years. It has forced us to dig deep inside ourself and create the bearable out of the unbearable, to create a self that is not only substantial but formidable in the face of situations where we meant nothing. Our existence meant nothing to these people. It feels like there is such a strong need right now to name who we are, what we are, how we work. To put it in writing, put it up on the wall, speak it, tell it. And there is always an urgency to it. Hurry up before time runs out.
The Observers (1) were out yesterday evening. They talked to a friend of ours on the phone and even told her they were out. Wow! I think they told Lance as well. A lot of switching going on and grey areas and confusion. I know I was out here and there and even co-conscious of others at times. Of course, I lost a lot of time too. I don’t really know why. Something was painful and just too much for my pea-brain.
“Journey – “indicates unfulfilled aspirations and unsatisfied longings. It also symbolizes decisive stages and is considered in myth to be a pilgrimage to one’s personal center, where one can discover the self, inner balance, and wholeness. A journey expresses a desire for discovery and enlightenment, like a quest. Change and evolution occur on the way to one’s destination.” [from one of Anne Rice’s books about vampires]
Amazing these days that are our “bad” days. They are so very intense and with major upheavals. But sometimes the next day is the opposite and full of “light”. Walking through the doors. Each one is PANE = PAIN.
Serena (5) has so much power it’s unbelievable. Her past is a different story than ours but parallel. And she is an alter in our system. Una (4) looks in the mirror and sees her “twin”, her mirror image Serena. In her story, Serena received gifts from her father who was a kind man. He taught her how to be a sorcerer and shape shifter.
The Bitches hounded Serena and her father. Chased them across the world and into Kereth.
There is a hole that spirals down into the sand here and Serena is in it. This hole is The Central Core and we must go down in it. We have to work with Serena now and those she made, in order to heal some more. She is preparing the place for us. You can hear the hum of the web strands as she works busily. The strands zoom out from the Core and there is a place for every one of us. It is Level 12..
The doors are open and we enter another world, going deeper within ourself.
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