154. Shredded (1996)

"MoreDread III"

black wings on my back

to become a part of them

[Note: the different fonts represent different ones of us writing in the journals.]

“...if there was no god, men would make one”

(The Lonely Passion of Judith Hearne

by Brian Moore)

We write about Serena’s (5) abuse, Una’s (4) presence there and the creation of The Shout (4) by Una.

We sit down with Graham to watch a movie and drink beer. Ariel (1) comes out and tells Graham it is her. Tir (1) also comes out and talks to Graham. She seems in a more “normal” state and actually able to laugh a little. I am not present when Tir is yet. I get the secondhand information later.

Our Rage scares us. Afraid of its wildness. Afraid of being out of control and vicious.

Serena’s mother, Sean-Charlotte (5), has emerged. She came out when Lance was here. She once tried to come out, many years ago. Back in 1984, in a therapy session. She now returns to help Serena.

Timothy (3) is really beginning to make contact with Lance. He won’t talk but makes sounds including whimpering.

Serena has been screaming Inside all weekend, for three days now, stuck in The Pit.

Still lots of memory work to be done.

Depression is here. Maybe it is part of grief, mourning and disillusionment. I feel as if no one really cares about us but I know that’s not true. The others seem far away from me today.

Little (4) made up a poem. It’s very cute.

BIG is big and

LITTLE is little

And

No one else

Is

BIG or LITTLE

Sean-Charlotte. The “Charlotte” part is from our grandmother’s mother, who died when our grandmother was only 3 years old. She was part negro.

She talks to Lyn for about 20 minutes or so, speaks very softly and calmly even though she is in shock from all the changes she sees. She has not been aware of us or our life since 1984, 12 years ago. Serena has stopped screaming now that Sean-Charlotte is with her. Sean-Charlotte cannot get Serena out but stays with her simply to calm her and comfort her.

Serena – only her mouth to speak and her eyes to cry.

I remember Sean-Charlotte trying to come out back in 1984. We were in a therapy session with a psychologist. Suddenly I felt myself falling down the rabbit-hole, a long tunnel winding down. I ran for the bathroom, couldn’t stay in the session. I remember feeling very frightened as I had no idea what was happening. I guess I recovered somewhat. That’s all I remember.

Jackal –

-    “any of several wild dogs of the genus ‘Canis’ ...  which hunt in packs at night

-    a person who performs menial or degrading tasks for another

-    a person who performs dishonest or base deeds for his own or another’s gain

The Jackal (5) is Serena’s “father”. She created him thus. This is part of Serena’s “story”, separate from the rest of us.

Timothy (3) and Crystal (3) out this morning with Graham. Timothy doesn’t say anything but shows interest in our stuffed animal, a wolf named Antaya. Crystal then comes out and talks to Graham. Amazing!

Katy Ann (2) is very upset. I guess a memory surfacing for her. I panic. She opens her mouth and wails in anger and hurt. I simply panic. Old Self (2) says it’s okay, Katy Ann is doing what she needs to be doing. No panic needed. But I’m having a really hard time with what Katy Ann is remembering. I don’t want to hear any of it, don’t want to know any of it. It is unacceptable to me.

Apparently The Observers (1) have been very busy lately. Mostly because there is so much chaos and confusion Inside, so much going on. They are also largely responsible for me-Shell (1, 2) losing time. Protecting me from too much, from being too overwhelmed. They also smooth over all the bumps, providing a facade of calmness and continuity, hiding our inner turmoil from the world. It is their role, their purpose.

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BFL group. Difficult as usual. I have a lot of trouble understanding things. I gather someone is sabotaging things and that’s why.

There are a number of us here – Angéla (5) and including MEA (8) within her, plus Una’s eldest of the Brood - Elvira (4), Makkio (4) and Pearl (4).  I’m wondering if being in this group has benefitted us at all or has it been a waste of time? Surely not though. The fact that Angéla’s issues have come up must be a good thing in some way, given us the opportunity to work with her. Plus the fact that she and MEA have had some kind of integration. Those are good things aren’t they?

Next week’s topic is spirituality. That ought to be interesting.

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The topic is spirituality and it hits us harder than anything else in this group. It strikes a deep chord within us, resonates to our deepest self. This journey has been profoundly spiritual. By that I mean it feels bigger than us, and is somehow connected to the collective unconscious. It is more than just us, goes beyond being simply personal. It is about being human and about life and death. It is sacred, commanding our respect and reverence. Or maybe we have applied all of that in order to somehow “rise above it all”, to create meaning in the midst of what seems meaningless, pointless. The harm of one human being by another. What is the point of that and why has it happened to so many? Why do human beings harm each other? Why do they wish to have power over others? The asking of those questions feels very religious and philosophical.

We are crying so much in the group that we want to leave the room ... but we don’t. The facilitators had asked us to try not to leave. So we go to another part of the room. It is not all dark inside us though. There is light here too. Our response to this topic tells us there is light within us and we have been afraid to reveal it.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. .... Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.” (Nelson Mandela supposedly said this but I think we heard/read that he wasn’t the first to say it. No matter)

Is this true for us? Have we been afraid to show all that is light and good in us?

We held ourself back here, would not allow ourself to feel a sense of belonging. We knew it would end and we would have to feel the pain of separation again.

This morning, the day after the group, Angéla is very upset. She goes to bed and sobs and weeps. Lance comes in and sits with her. She panics and tells him he should leave because “they” are coming. Does she mean those who hurt us? We are sure they don’t exist anymore. Is she stuck in the past?

She does a drawing and it helps her just a little.

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The end. It’s been a very hard group to participate in and some of the hardest work we have done. Some of us have not been happy about who we have shown ourselves to be and yet it’s been an incredible learning experience in terms of that. Those of us who have surfaced and shown themselves – Angéla, MEA and others – have not tried to be nice, polite, giving, compassionate, funny, likeable. Instead they have been who they are and they have helped the rest of us see that we are still liked and that people have seen the underneath layers of us too – the “nicer” parts as well. We have felt accepted by the group, accepted for all who we are. We always worry about giving to other people, that we wouldn’t be liked if we were selfish. But we fought that and allowed our more “selfish” parts of us out, crying out “I want! I need!” As far as we know, no one has been mad at us for being selfish.

The “shame” pieces we did a few weeks ago – all of those little bits of paper with all of us women’s feelings of shame on them – were shredded and tonight each of us fill up a bag of the shreds to do whatever we want with them. Previously we said we didn’t care about the stuff being shredded. We didn’t care about what we had written. But as we hold the bag in our hands now we think “this is how we feel after all the work we have done in this group”. Shredded.

Tonight we put our shreds under our pillow and somehow it makes us feel whole and complete. All the little pieces of us have been exposed and presented to others. And all of our shame has been written on paper. But it is paper and that is all.

We have been accepted as we are and there is no shame in that.