156. Webwork (1996)

"Second Tornado. Unleashed. Released" by Serena

Lots of fighting Inside and lots of anger. Some say Tir (1) should stop all the medicine because it’s making it hard for us. They say she’s addicted to them. But some of us understand.

We became small again tonight crawling into one of the children who were becoming lost in a memory and retching like they were going to throw up.

The date is set ... October 7. The day we will do our presentation, tell our story.

There used to be 5 Observers (1). Una (4) created them in 1956. Othel was one of them. Then The Source (8) “recreated” him in 1961 so he could take on a different role. We don’t know who the fifth one was yet.

Another alter – Seth (5), is connected to Serena (5), helped/helping her in The Pit.

So, maybe we are not just an over-indulgent navel-gazer. Meghan, one of the facilitators of the YWCA group, and also helping us with our presentation, says our cataloguing is useful. She says this is what students do when they are researching things but ours is even more in-depth, more detailed. That makes us feel good. There was a fear, certainly from me if not some of the others, that we are being too obsessive and not doing anything really productive.

Doing the presentation is hard work. In a sense it feels like some kind of “letting go” of our journeying, “giving” our story out to the world and then moving on. And it is so rewarding as well. We have longed to do this for quite a while now so it’s very exciting and it feels good to have an “external” goal to work towards. A sense of purpose. In many ways we’re very proud of who we are, of what we have created for ourself in order to not only stay alive, but to sustain a true life energy. That energy has been contained and privately, secretly nurtured and now it can be released. This presentation – we hope it to be informative for sure but even more so, a work of art. Art is what moves you. We want to move people, touch them in their heart ... so they can feel ours.

EXITING TWO WORLDS. That title is there, in our head, in Maura, this morning. I don’t know what it means though.

Another baby this morning, about Timothy’s (3) age (1) or maybe younger. He keeps saying sounds that being with “B” and pounding his little fist into the other one. He doesn’t seem angry. As if it is simply an expression of himself.

It’s Timothy’s Shadow.

So we gather the material from our journals in order to put our story together. It is difficult. It feels very scary, going in more deeply Inside us to understand what has been happening to us throughout our healing process. We are shedding light on who and what we have become as a result of the abuse and as a result of recovery. Healing changes us.

Some say they feel sad and lost, don’t know where we should go. We look for home and can’t yet find it.

Our focus is slowly shifting from a spotlight on our internal world and each other to something more external, out in the world. Participating in it. We have not finished our internal work but we recognize the need to become more of a part of the world. Letting go of the past. You would think it would be easy but it is not. However horrible and terrifying it was, it was familiar. It is what we know. And there were many good things intermingled with the scary parts. We need to let those go too and begin to really live in the present. For some of us, this causes irritability and sometimes even anger.

Angéla (5) has been doing some artwork and it seems to help ease the pain.

Timothy is out almost daily now, learning words for nose, “ba-ba-ba” (“boing-boing-boing” from Graham), “eh” for ear, “ma” for mouth. His Shadow (3) slips out a bit now and then too, making noises as well, also sounds beginning with “b” and still punching one fist into the other.

Today we try to figure out what’s next in our Webwork – gathering our story together for our presentation at the Y. Do we continue going through our journals and cataloguing or should we take a stab at connecting the different topics, or should we draw a timeline or try to group subjects together or ......????

We recognize that Angéla needs to do something that will free Serena from The Pit. But Angéla is waiting for something herself. I’m not sure what though. On top of this we are low in energy. It feels like we have a terrible weight on our shoulders that just drains us.

The more information we pull together the more questions will arise and the more information will come up. It is dangerous ground. Are we ready for this? Really ready? It feels as if some of us are holding back. Angéla holds back secrets for one thing. But there’s more. We have not been talking to anyone very much about what’s going on, even in therapy, even with Lyn. Is this because of doing the presentation, that we will become so much more vulnerable and exposed to the world? There will also have to be more acceptance from us of what has happened. I think that’s where I, Shell (1, 2), come in. My denial will need to decrease as well. How can you tell a story and not believe it? You have to believe and accept. I have to believe and accept.

-----

Serena has broken out of The Pit!!! So now what? What does this mean?

Meanwhile, Timothy’s vocabulary continues to increase, growing up like a “real” boy would. His name is now “Tee-Tee” and Crystal (3) he calls “kis ta”

Angéla having a very hard time, very angry and wants to be left alone. Caught in a memory and frightened. Says she wants to go home. Which is where?

A “blurb” has been done for the brochure about our presentation. A major step in this process. A declaration of commitment. We’re really doing this. Wow! We want to run a few “threads” through the presentation – journal excerpts, poetry, slides of artwork, weave them all in and out. So by the end there will be a sense of a tapestry woven. Threads about pain, threads about alters, about emerging and dealing with different issues.

Serena and Sean-Charlotte (5) decided Serena should come out. They were waiting for MEA (8) (a confrontation was needed) but Angéla couldn’t do that. Serena has no way of talking with MEA until it’s okay with Angéla. Angéla can’t do anything really because the Web told her to slow down. We have to focus more on outside stuff. Seth didn’t understand what Serena was doing outside of The Pit but MEA is nowhere to be seen. He’s sort of mad about this.

An idea for the presentation. Part I would be the preparation for the journey – this would be the strands, the threads of our story. Part II would be the actual journey, the weaving of The Tapestry and Part III would be the return home, the Tapestry itself. Hmmm. It could work.

Our definition of intimacy. It means someone else has control of the relationship and can make you do what they want, not what you want. They can take you for granted. You don’t get what you need. And it means you can’t say no, not without negative consequences. This is what we have learned about intimacy. This is what we have experienced as a child. It is a very dangerous thing. We can’t let anyone, not even Lance, get that close, for we will “die”, our self, our identity will die.

We used to disappear when we were with David, Graham’s father. We would lose “us” in the mix. We wanted only to do what he wanted, to please him, to hang onto him, so he wouldn’t leave us. But what we gave up was costly. However, we could only see that when we were separated. If he went out of town, or we went away, we would discover us again, discover our independence and our own wants and needs. We missed him terribly for sure. There was love there no doubt. But it was more than love. It was disappearance as well. We can’t do that anymore. It is too high a price. I don’t think David wanted that and I don’t think Lance wants it either. They are both good men, kind and loving, gentle and supportive. This is not their fault. And it all makes me sad.

Dark surrounds the body

Body surrounds the numb.

A dream that a flood is coming. Huge waves that will wash everything away. A tsunami. Grab what you can and get out of here. We grab our Raven bracelet. This is a time of letting go, backing off and letting the water move in and cleanse everything. Very painful. Grief.