Tree Project
[Warning: some “offensive” language and some things may be triggering]
Today:
We decided to take the day off yesterday and rearrange some furniture instead. What fun. No really. It was. In fact the whole day was filled with fun. We celebrated Lance’s birthday with some friends. Chocolate fondue (strawberries, pineapple, frozen bananas, kiwi fruit) and St Honoré cake. Absolutely decadent and delicious. Our stomach objected a little later on. We told it to suck it up.
The best part was that we felt really good and didn’t know why. We think some of our good mood was due to a certain level of acceptance about death. Since our neighbour died a couple of weeks ago we have felt haunted. Guess that happens for many people. Reminds us that we are not going to live forever and in fact, today could be our last. We have a hard time with that. There are still things we want to do. We feel like we are just getting started in life and we don’t want to stop yet. Guess we’ll have to make deals with God and the devil. Anyway, we feel okay now and less obsessed with death. Now our obsession is our home and pushing bookcases and other things around. Much more fun.
Oh did we mention that we have been busy playing a video game for the past three days? It’s an X-Box game of car racing. The graphics are amazing. You get to speed through Florence, Barcelona, Moscow, Chicago, Scotland, Germany. I think the buildings are real buildings too. Someone did a lot of work. Belle (3) is the driver but she gets lots of help from many of us.
Back to our story. 1996.
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The words we read in our journals are hot. We have to keep looking away, move away from them before they burn us with remembering. But there is excitement as well as we pull together all of this information for our presentation. We have categorized almost every subject in our journals from Dec/90 to Dec/92 now. A definite accomplishment.
We have cut down on our one-to-one support work while we give more time and energy to our presentation.
The Truths we face now are harder to stand than ever. We ask ourself to look into the Core-Mirror. When first we look it is all black then Serena’s (5) face is there. Still we are not sure what or who that face belongs to then slowly we begin to learn. Serena-AnereS is one of us, is us, is “me”, is “I”. Then Sean-Charlotte (5) and The Jackal (5) make themselves known. “Mother” and “father”. And Seth (5). The angry “brother”.
The Truths are not always memories of abuse but rather Knowledge about us, about who we are, why we are. Sometimes it is the worst part. Knowing all who we are.
Message to the Web
Don’t speak! You talk too much!
Don’t be silent! You are too withdrawn.
Shut up! You fuck up!
Speak up! A lot!
Switching again like crazy. Belle, some of the children, Tir (1). We are lying on the couch. One of the children are close to the surface or out, I’m not sure. The child, I don’t know who, seems in a frightened state. Lance sits down on the other end of the couch. The child and Belle hear him, turn to look. He is putting something in his pocket. Belle and the child think it is a needle he is hiding and is meaning to stick it in our body at some point. Belle begins to cry.
Isn’t Tir afraid of needles too?
Then a transformation. From the dark, a tight tense but moving ball of dark, explodes the white wings of Phoenix (8). Phoenix rising out of Tir, out of the darkness, out of the fire that is Tir’s pain. Ash spills all around. The energy just beneath Tir is white hot and spreads out into reds, oranges and yellows. But it is blue that surrounds Phoenix as she rises in a spiral.
Serena-AnereS and her family are present. Many of us are present. There is a dark dead body somewhere wrapped up, cocoon- like.
And another comes forward. Ruth Ann (5). Serena-AnereS’ “daughter”. Ruth Ann the Enabler. And her name behind the Core-Mirror is NinA-TuR.
A message from me, Ruth Ann.
Heléna (5) and Angéla, twins. You were created through an act of incest. Serena and The Jackal, her “father”, created you. I know, too, that you, Angéla created those 3 old hags, MEA (8), to kill off your “mother” and “father”, to deny your heritage, your creation. You wrapped yourself up with secrets upon secrets. They have become your cocoon. Your cursed your own mother, out of your rage.
Now I, Ruth Ann, will tell some of those secrets. I know I do not have them all but I know many of them. Serena-AnereS is also my “mother” and I love her deeply.
This is a bit of a soap opera. Gawd. Angéla is now very angry. Probably because of what is written here. A “family” within. It seems bizarre especially when there is fighting about it.
While earlier in our journal someone had written “exiting two worlds”, this time someone writes “eating two worlds”. I have no idea what either means but I’m sure it means something to someone Inside.
Now Angéla is angry at Ruth Ann. Not surprising. I can feel it too and it’s getting in the way of us doing any Webwork. I wish they would resolve their differences so we can get on with things.
In session with Lyn I talk about my not trusting the memories or being multiple. More Denial and Doubt. I don’t want to know the ritual abuse was so early on. In my mind I travel through the house we lived in from age 7 until 18. I look for clues, images, any dark corners that might give a hint of how all of this could possibly be. Lyn hesitantly gives me her perspective, what she has learned from the others. In some way, it’s a relief to me, that she believes them, believes us. She has seen the pain we go through when memories do come up. She has seen our tears.
But I still need to Deny, to shut out the possibilities.
Angéla feels so much rage towards our stepfather, The Beast Without. She has been trying to not let it out. Still ... she wants to kill him with her black eyes.
What are we prepared to reveal to the public in October? What should we keep secret .... still?
What do we need to say?
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