"Working with Stoene"
“It seems to me that curing is a destination and healing is the journey”
[Peter Downie interviewed by Joseph Roberts, Common Ground, issue #69, Dec/96 Jan/97 p5 called “The Healing Journey”]
Apr 9/11
The blog is beginning to be hard work now. Things not flowing so well. We’re not sure if it’s because we need a break or something else going on. In some ways it is very quiet Inside Maura, in our mind. I think maybe we are at some kind of peace and maybe somewhat of a resting place right now. However, there is one part of us that is busy thinking.
We missed a week of the support group. Mostly because of struggling with very low energy and general malaise. This week we returned and we noticed something going on within. Hearing several people talk in the group left us with questions about what they are struggling with. Wondering about depression and why some people get so stuck in it, and what could possibly help them. Wondering about someone who used to meditate and reach states of enlightenment who can no longer do so. He is still looking for those states and is that the “wrong” thing to focus on? What should we, as human beings, be looking for? Happiness? Peace of mind? Sense of purpose?
We stumbled upon a book by M. Scott Peck called “The Road Less Travelled and Beyond”. We have read his other one “The Road Less Travelled” and found it very useful. So far what we understand him to be saying is that we all need to learn how to think and think well. We need to understand that life takes work and we need to reflect on our life and the direction it’s taking. He also thinks that happiness is not necessarily the best goal. The quest, the journey is critical too. And mapping it out, solving its problems along the way. He also says we need to be aware of our own simplistic thinking, all the assumptions and generalizations we make about others, about life. And, when we feel stuck in life, we must ask whether we are willing to change. Are we willing to change our old ways of thinking that just don’t help anymore. Are we willing to learn new ways of thinking and being where we can grow – mentally/intellectually, emotionally, spiritually.
We love learning things about life, about psychological and spiritual growth. It helps us find perspective and context. It helps give our life meaning and sometimes a profound sense of joy. Hell, we love learning new things period. It gives our life meaning and purpose. Our deepest wish is to share those things with other people so that they may feel their life meaningful as well. Peck says that listening well takes hard work and love. That was a mini ah-ha moment for us. Early on when we started going to the support group, we decided that if we were really going to get the most out of being there, that we needed to really listen to every single person who spoke. We have continued to do that, almost 2 years later, and we get an immense amount of discovery, empathy and satisfaction out of it. To really hear what each person is struggling with, what each wants to share. It’s a constant learning process for us. And it fills us up so much. Yes, Red Green is right. We are all in this together.
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Jan 3/97: The kids have grouped together (integrated?) into “The Children’s Crusade”. It seems that the rage can be a useful way to help them with assertiveness, with finding their own space. ... Caer is keen to find her work in the world and follow through. [Lyn]
One of the Observers is called Pneuma (1). She is the part of us that speaks to us through symbols. Whether in imagery or in dreams. Since before age 12 we have been drawn to symbols and have expressed that mostly through jewellery. Pendants especially have had meaning for us over the years.
Back in 1990, when we first began unravelling, one thing was very clear. It was the path that lay before us. It was dark and we could not see where it would lead us. But we see it again yet this time there is an end to it with an open window. It opens onto a garden or a forest or a meadow (depending on who of us you talk to). We see green leaves, sunshine and people waiting for us. these are the people we feel supported by in our life. A wonderful image. This is the light at the end of the tunnel.
Despite panic attacks we can still recognize that our foundation is growing solid and immovable, the roots of this tree are settling in and grabbing onto the earth firmly.
As we are in the beginning of a new year we think about what we want to do with our life at this time.
- We want to send some of our art to an exhibit/conference.
- We want to finish the children’s story/poem called “Tehe Juidith Stoeres” – that’s The Juidith Stories. Reed has “created” a new language for us. It looks a lot like old English but we know it’s not exact. We are using it in the poem.
- Do more research on multiplexity
January 21, 1997: Caer had phoned a number of times over the past few days in crisis and wanting to die. (She also knows she won’t kill herself “because of Graham” and reassures me of this). Her uncle died on the weekend and there has been more contact with her family. This has triggered a new series of memories of abuse by her stepfather (e.g., rape) that she wants to deny. She feels she can’t cope with it. she was upset and weeping.
We have just learned that our uncle in Toronto has died. He is our mother’s brother. The Two Colettes (4) are upset about our mother when they hear her crying on the phone. It saddens many of us. However, it is also very painful to think about our family in Toronto because it reminds us even more of the past. They are wonderful people, very kind and loving but it is painful for us to be with them much less think a lot about them. It is obvious we cannot go back there for the funeral. That would be too hard on us.
Amazing the Denial about our stepfather and my lack of trust in the truth of what he did to us. but the Denial has lifted somewhat. I didn’t “realize” it was there, wasn’t that aware of it. Of course, it’s more likely I didn’t want to acknowledge it. This stone of denial. This statement I make that “I must be making all of this up” and the self-hatred that comes with it. But it seems to have lifted because of my questions – why would I lie? Why would I make this stuff up? How is it possible for me to make it up? And for what gain?
It is not like me to lie. I have always treasured honesty and truth. And I want to know who I am, all of who I am. I want to understand where I have come from and I want to heal the wounds of the past. One of the things that tells me I (and we of course) must be on the right track is because of the moments we feel healed. You cannot fake those moments. There must be something to heal in order to feel healed.
We feel as if we have been withdrawing somewhat from the world over the past year. Othel (1) thinks this is because we need to focus on ourself, to really look at what we are needing at this point in our life, and to not be trying to take care of other people’s needs so much. I know we struggle with the fear of being “selfish” but really, aren’t we always being self-ish? Focusing on what we want and what we need. Is it really possible to not be selfish? Even when we do things for other people, aren’t we still doing it for ourself as well? Aren’t we getting something out of it?
Faxed to Lyn (because we couldn’t get her on the phone)....
The Beast is here back again this time we will fight him can you help please. Everything is starting to fall apart and Tir (1) is really upset.
It’s in stepping to the other side
where the Memories are
behind the wall
we built together,
stepping through this solid mass
into the Dark of Hell
where some of us lose our way
and others point the direction
straight.
We hold us back
some of us that is.
We hold the Memories back,
memories as a separate entity
which pushes forth anyway
like a child being born.
As the child pushes out
the Memories are there
no longer hidden,
no longer forgotten.
They wreak havoc on our psyche
as we weather this horrific storm,
a storm in Hell.
Memories hurt
Like sharp Panes of Glass
Cut Inside us
And makes us bleed.
That Stoene which sits deep,
deep,
deep
in our womb.
It is him,
as he sits there Inside us,
the Memory of him,
the Weight of him,
deeper than the Pit.
It aches so low
- down there –
It hurts badly sometimes
as we try to give birth
to that child
- those children –
he has caused to be created
within us.
The children
The Frozen Ones
The Fossils
Daddy’s Little Girls.
Stuck heavy in the Stoene
immovable.
DO NOT MOVE!!
Pretend you’re dead.
Play dead,
not asleep!!
Be dead,
a lifeless form
that shows no fear,
that feels no pain.
The Fossils – Daddy’s Little Girls. And The Stoene.
We still struggle with being in groups. MoreDread (5) is terrified of them, Angéla (5) does not like them and Badb (4) thinks it’s pointless to talk to anyone, “it won’t help”. I thought Angéla was the one who used to say that when we were in the BFL group. No matter. It is there, within us, the feeling that nothing will help.
Daddy’s Little Girls were obviously created because of our stepfather. I have felt them before, their freezing is like Julia’s (1) catatonia. We have been triggered sometimes and I can hear from Inside – Don’t move! Freeze!
Griffin-CHLD (1) comes out with Graham. He likes some of the movies that Graham likes. Action oriented. Often violent. Fast paced. We think Griffin-CHLD idolizes Graham, so of course he’s going to like the same movies.
We describe and draw a memory in our journal. I am numb to it. It does not faze me at all. I am made of stoene.
He has managed to break down our defences and enter into us again. That is why we’re weak and vulnerable – once again. Tir retreats quickly, goes back deep Inside, to her own hell, which is better than this other Hell we’re living through.
And now that we have gone to the other side of the Wall, into the Dark, that other world, the Outside World is far away, remote, detaches itself from us. it cannot take this Beast Inside us, so muted and deformed and ugly – a black shrivelled knot of evil. This is the Dark.
This is the Dark.
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