215 LETTER TO LYN FROM VICTORIA

Victoria: never as beautiful as her sister Voice-Mercury
but I have Eyes in my hair
Eyes in my everywhere

January 5, 1998

Lyn:

I wish I could show you who I am. I wish I could show you how I feel. I wish I could show you how I’m feeling right now. And right now. And right now.

It hurts so much inside me this pain. And I have not yet found that I can trust that you will understand my pain. I’m not sure yet that you can comfort me. I don’t trust that you will meet my need to be comforted.

I think I need too much. I need way too much for the world to give. I know one single person cannot meet all my needs but I don’t think the world can meet my needs. I need too much. I need like a little baby needs.

I am sorry for breaking a trust that was with you and the Web. I caused harm to the Web, to myself, to you and other people and I still want to hurt myself. I still want pills. The pills make some of the others sleepy but not me. The pills don’t hurt me. They make me feel good. They make me feel like I have control of something. They also make me feel like it’s the only way you and other people will know how much I am hurting. It’s the only way I will be taken seriously.

I don’t think you’ll help me otherwise because I don’t know how to really express my pain. I don’t know how to communicate how it feels to be me. I don’t know how to express how much the abuse hurt me and the other Codes (6mf) . I don’t’ know how to even feel those feelings maybe.

I think I know anger. I think I can feel my anger but I don’t know where it goes to, who it hits. I don’t know who to hit but me and maybe you. Maybe when I took the Ativan it was a way to hit you too but I’m not sure about that. I just know that when I want those pills I just want them and I take them. I feel clear about what I’m doing then. Not why I’m doing it but what I’m doing.

The other Codes say I’m the extreme one. I like to take things to the extreme. Paint all my eyes black. Even going to the extreme of having more than two eyes. That’s extreme. I want to wear all black clothes, especially black leather. It seems very extreme.

I know that I want I want I want something. Something I never got before and now I want it. I want it bad. You can’t give it to me. I know that. But maybe you can give me something that I need. I just don’t know what that is. I don’t know what to ask you for – except maybe pay attention to me. I need you to see me. I need you to know I’m here. Me, Victoria (6mf), is here in the world. Nobody usually sees Victoria. Victoria does all the seeing with her eyes all over her head and hair but nobody sees Victoria until she does something extreme that makes people see her.

What happened to us back then is indescribable. When any feeling about it comes up it hurts so much it’s unbearable. I feel I’m going to die when I feel the pain. I feel I’m going to die if I don’t feel the pain. If we don’t speak our memories the Codes will die. If we do tell we will die. All we’re left with is the feeling we’re going to die whatever we do.

I was a witness to the other Codes’ abuses. That was part of my job. To see it happen and to remember. But it’s not really my job to tell what happened. Voice-Mercury (6mf) has the voice to tell it but she doesn’t have the strength yet to tell things. She’s not strong enough yet. She’s not willing yet.

Will you hear me if I take more pills? How will you hear me? How can I speak? How can it be okay for me to feel anything? How can I not die from telling?

I don’t want to be any of the others in the Web. I want to be Victoria. I want to be out in the world being Victoria. I don’t’ want to be mistaken for anyone else Inside.