Razor Man (1) is driving us, herding us like cattle, into Kereth and further into the system. I feel so safe and warm with his promises of good things for us. If only we all behave and give him what he wants. But somewhere in my mind I know that he could destroy all of us, totally annihilate us. He has already pushed me over the edge but like a junkie I am becoming addicted to him, addicted to his drive, addicted to his hunger for power. But if I am not careful, if we are not careful, he will kill all of us Inside.
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I am afraid I am going crazy. But that’s why we keep going back to therapy. We have to. Yet all that John can offer us is some kind of comfort through the pain. I know he can’t really rescue us. He can’t really pull us out of this mess.
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(at work) There is so much fighting going on! Razor Man is furious. Miss Angry (1) is constantly giving me shit. CF (1) is crying all the time. And for some reason, everyone Inside is depending on me to take care of things. They hold me responsible for everything! As if I could do anything! I don’t know if I can stand this anymore. There is so much noise in my head! And Ariel (1) is trying to drown everything out with loud music. This room is a madhouse.
Meanwhile we carry on at work if you can believe it. We are actually functioning here. It feels like I’m pushing boulders up hills. My insides are churning and in knots. My head hurts. I feel so tense. This feels like I’m swimming in some thick substance. It feels all gooey and sticky and moves so slowly. All like a dream. A sweet and sticky, foggy dream. A dream of emptiness.
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I think we have to protect Razor Man. If we reveal him, then we reveal our own pain, the abuse done to us.
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Peace now. We went to the washroom and Razor Man cut us again. It makes it all go quiet Inside when he does that. Sweet, sweet relief. A feeling of sleepiness comes over us. We can rest for now. I can hear Mozart in our head and the music is so soothing with its sorrow. The feeling of surrender.
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CF told us she went to John’s office and left him a note. She didn’t say what it was though. She seemed pretty scared and upset about going and was most upset that John saw her. It’s okay now though. We’re holding her and rocking her. She and I traded places on the bus coming home. I didn’t know where she had gone, where we had gone, only that we were coming home from somewhere. Now I know where.
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