21. Internal Corroboration

Our favourite place: Galiano Island

First we want to thank you folks for taking the time to read our blog. It makes a huge difference to us. Makes us feel like we matter somewhere in the world.

Today we feel quite down. It actually started yesterday. We tried to just be with it during meditation. That helped a little. Then we went for a walk and again just allowed the pain to be there. Because that’s what it is. Pain. Right in the very center of us. In the solar plexus area. And it hurts so much. It feels like solid stone. It is the weight of invisibility. We felt invisible growing up. Surrounded by adults. No siblings.

Except for 2 years. Then we had a cousin of the same age live with us. We behaved like twins. Wore the same clothes. We had these reversible raincoats. We would decide together which side to wear out. Oh we fought viciously sometimes but when she returned home we missed her terribly. For a time we mattered greatly to someone and in a good way.

But we mattered more to our stepfather.

Today we want to talk about denial, doubt, disbelief. Over the years, getting to know other multiples, other survivors of abuse, we learned we were not the only one to question whether we were simply making all of this up. I, Shell (1, 2), kept asking that question. I had no memory of any abuse. I had no idea I was multiple until 1990. Surely I was just making it all up, looking for some kind of attention, looking to be visible and to matter.

But the other survivors were saying the same thing. They were questioning whether they were making it up as well. But we would always say to them – I have no doubt you are telling the truth. With everything you have told me and with all the problems you have had, it’s easy to believe you were abused. But when it came to me, well that was different. Even though these people were saying the same to me, to us. We believe you they said.

But denial and disbelief have their place. They are the cushions that soften the blows of reality. Charles L. Whitfield says in his book “Memory and Abuse” that “..either alone or in combination with repression and/or dissociation, denial prevents us from normal, healthy grieving”. Even with some awareness of the truth “that bit of awareness may be so strongly defended against that most of the time they cannot or will not remember”.

But there are signs that denial cannot overlook, cannot get past. Whitfield gives us a table of “high risk disorders” associated with child abuse. He points out

·    Psychiatric inpatients – 50-60% were abused as children, 20-50% with a dissociative disorder

·    Psychiatric outpatients – 40-70% abused as children

·    DID/MPD – nearly all severely abused as children

·    Eating disorders – likelihood of childhood abuse higher than general population

·    Chemical dependence - likelihood of childhood abuse higher than general population

·    Depression & suicide attempts – high incidence of childhood abuse

·    Borderline personality – most were abused as children

·    Psychosis – 44% admit to childhood abuse

·    PTSD – nearly 100% suffered abuse

·    Sexual dysfunction – commonly abuse

·    Self-destructive behaviours – commonly abuse

·    Violent behaviours – abuse

We have had all of those disorders or symptoms. We have been diagnosed or experienced PTSD, an eating disorder, substance abuse, self harm, depression, suicide attempts, borderline symptoms, psychosis, and violent outbursts in the past. Alright Shell, still think you are making it up? Well .... how about ... it didn’t happen to me. Which it didn’t. Not to me-Shell. But to the others.

Over the years Ariel would stand by me and tell me, Shell, it did happen to you, to us. You are not making this up. Then I started making a list. I called it WWI – no, not World War I – but Why Would I? My list consisted of so many things I have done that cannot be ignored, that must be questioned as to my reasons for doing them. Did they, do they not point to something like abuse? Years and years of journal writing. Voices in my head. Different behaviours. Even at night, when Lance and I slept together, children would come out and talk to him. I would know nothing of it until next morning.

But why question? Because if I was making all of this up then it would be a terrible, terrible thing to do. It would mean I had betrayed many people. But I am not someone who likes to hurt others, not someone who feels a need to fool people. I cherish honesty and truth.

At the root of this though, is something I do not want to face. I fear you will not believe me. Some of the abuse was extreme yet I hid it so well from everyone during my childhood. Some of it would be hard to believe. And if you didn’t believe me .... then where does that leave me? Better to doubt myself than have you not believe.

And even then ... if you believe me then I must believe myself. That, for sure, I don’t want to do.

Do you see how convoluted it gets? I think I do that on purpose. I think too that others Inside contribute to this convolution. A tangled web. Better to keep doubting Shell. Better not to believe. Better not to know.

But over the years a pattern has emerged. Some of our most painful work in therapy evolves into powerful healing. At first something surfaces. A monster rears its ugly head. We go through terrible times, so much pain. Depression, anxiety, feeling suicidal. But then a glimmer of light and it begins to grow. We start to feel better. Bit by bit. And finally, a feeling so profound, pure ecstasy, as we know we have come through something so difficult and have survived. We feel like dancing. We feel full of life and joy. We feel solid and visible, of worth to the world. How can that come from a place of making things up?

Whitfield says “some of the after effects of the recovery process can also provide evidence that the abuse happened. We observe a person work though and express their abuse-related emotional pain and core issues over time, we and they may notice that their symptoms and signs improve. .... an overall improvement over time.” That improvement can be directly correlated to the release and expression of emotional pain. More evidence that it did happen.

A final word from Whitfield “no one of these alone is proof of the veracity of a traumatic memory. But taken together, in a cluster of at least four or more of these criteria, they may provide strong internally corroborating evidence that the essence of the traumatic memory is real and that the trauma actually happened.”

Thanks for listening