We are in so much pain today, can hardly stand it. I, as Adult Empty (1), am as empty as I’ve ever been and CF (1) lives on an edge of terror. We just know we are dropping off the edge into fear, pain and horror. And chaos. Absolute chaos is the ultimate horror.
Yesterday I slipped away but before I did I called out for Lance. I wanted to hold onto him, to anchor myself to him, so I would not drown. Later I “woke up”. I don’t know how long I was submerged. I found myself on the floor, and Lance was holding my hands. He didn’t seem at all afraid. Just solid as a rock, there, quietly, accepting whatever we were going through.
Today I felt so close to just letting it go at work and even on the skytrain. Just simply letting go of all control and restraint. Let loose. The hell with it I said. Don’t worry about who, when, what, where. But alas, I could not completely let go. It’s strange that it’s what I desire but I am also afraid that I would be locked up. On the other hand, it is a great strain to try to keep control all the time. I just want to explode with the pain and the intensity in my head. I want to scream, and thrash about, to throw my body on the ground, kicking and screaming. How good that might feel.
How long have I prayed for that?
Razor Man (1) is very angry with me, with us, for telling Lance so much about ourself. Razor Man doesn’t seem to like other men in our life, finds them threatening. The more we tell, the more he pushes us to the edge. He creates this tension until we can no longer bear it and then he cuts. What a clever man. He knows the cutting will be a relief.
But others don’t seem to notice the tension or chaos. Ariel (1), Julia (1) and Miss Angry (1) are more in a “funk”, feeling down. Not sure why though. And CF is amazing. She’s such a strong child. She willingly steps in and carries her fear. She is the one who can really open up and make herself vulnerable. She knows how to trust. Last night a dream about her. She had an operation “between her legs” because of an injury. I could feel the physical pain. She was very upset in the dream so I took care of her.
I feel as if there are layers in my mind, our mind. Like different levels of being, of feeling, of acting. What are these? Someone please tell me.
Razor Man came out with John today. Told him to “fuck off!” Wow. That’s something I could never do. John is a nice guy. I wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings like that. But of course Razor Man doesn’t care. In fact, he loves it. Licks his lips with the pleasure of threat. He feels so powerful, so unafraid when he does that. He wants to see John squirm. While I cringe with horror and shame. I want to hide when he does that.
Then CF jumps out, fists in her eyes, rubbing out her tears. She cries for John. She “loves” John. Wants him to be her dad. To snuggle on his lap and have him read her stories. She is becoming so attached and we fear this. We know John is only temporary. He cannot work with us long term. The separation will hurt CF terribly but we have no way of stopping any of this. We are so sorry CF.
-----
This journey is our transformation. It has begun
No comments:
Post a Comment