"Unanswerable Eyes" by Juno
Yes we have hit a wall in our writing. A loss of confidence. Depression hit us hard this morning. Damn it anyway. So we did what we could. Read, watch tv and video games. Sometimes those things work. Take Victoria (6mf) for example. She’s a bit of a sharpshooter when it comes to any games where you have to aim at things. She’s a “bow master”.
Lance has a place on Galiano and we go there from time to time. He has a pellet gun and we set up targets on a stone wall. Man is it ever fun. Victoria just loves it. She likes chopping wood too. Thwack! Meanwhile the rest of us stand there and watch her. Wow. Did you guys see that? Victoria split that piece of wood like nothing at all. I couldn’t do that. Could you? No, not me. No, me neither. Nope. Me neither.
Oh we didn’t tell you about Galiano did we? Oh now there’s a place that so many of us just love down to the marrow of our bones. There, there be ravens and owls and damn mice in the kitchen. There be wind in the trees and chickadees and Rufus-sided towhees (hell did we even spell that right?). Oh the eagles and turkey vultures circle above. And after windy days you can hear the waves crashing on the beaches which are a good walk away from the house.
At night the silence is deafening, unless it’s spring and the frogs have begun. Oh my god the frogs. There are so many of them and altogether they make this noise. Just one sound, one continuous sound through all the darkness of night. When the sun comes up they are silent while the birds take their turn. In spring and summer those bird songs are the sweetest most beautiful sounds echoing throughout the forest outside our bedroom window. Sheer magic.
The air smells so sweet of oxygen and decaying leaves and dampness and earth. The neighbour’s chainsaw whines in the distance. Someone is working. Someone is building.
We go for walks. C’mon Lance, stop working and come for a walk with us. Don’t forget your binoculars either. (Lance is a genuine bird watcher). We used to go down to where the beavers live. There used to be a pathway but now it is flooded with water. And the devastation is incredible. So many trees, gray and bare. Stripped of life by those industrious little creatures. You ever heard the sound beavers make? Kind of cute. But we can’t go down there anymore. Stoene Boy (6st) gets scared. He’s afraid of something down there. Lance says, that’s okay. We won’t go there anymore.
Then there’s the “Holee Place”. That’s what Daffodil (4) calls it. It’s a tiny little picnic spot, a lookout. High up on a cliff. It’s a long way down to the shore and to the water. Across the way you look at Salt Spring Island. We feel like an eagle in its nest. We want a house in that spot. You stand there and just listen to the hush. You might hear a boat motor, a tiny sound, a tiny spec on the ocean up the channel. It’s so peaceful there. We told Lance if we die before him we want our ashes spread there. We want to live there forever.
Galiano is special. Galiano is a calling. Galiano is our other home. In Lance’s house we feel so safe. Ethan (7) used to ask him if Michael could come there and get us. Michael who abused us when we were a teenager. Ethan was terrified of him. No, Lance would always say. Michael can’t come there. Michael doesn’t know where we are. Of course not. Michael died when we were 17 but Ethan used to forget that. A lot. But now he knows and is no longer afraid.
The evenings are some of the best times. We only get what .... 3 channels on tv? Did we tell you how addicted we are to tv? So we watch movies and tv shows. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, X-Files, CSI, Lost. Buffy is awesome. One of our favourites. It’s cozy then. Curled up on the couch with Lance, the children giggle and cuddle. Katy Ann (2) likes to sock Lance in the shoulder. Fine until he whacks her back. She only laughs. Stoene Boy bursts out with high fives – only they are more like high twenties. One slap ain’t enough for him. Little Ruby (4) pushes her glasses up on her nose. Tee Tee (3) wants to talk about cars.
In the morning Stoene Boy runs for Lance’s slippers as soon as he hears Lance come downstairs from his bedroom. He throws Lance’s slippers at him and giggles loudly. Throughout the day Daffodil tells Lance how much she loves him. And she makes cups and cups of tea for him. And now we bring Panda Bear, our cat, with us. Oh she loves this house. It’s five times the size of our apartment!! She has so many places to explore and hide. She’s still a little scared of Lance but she kinda likes playing with him.
We go to bed very early there too. We always have to get up though and go to the bathroom. That’s one of the best times. There’s Lance playing on his computer or watching X-Files ... or both. We feel protected, like he’s a watcher at night, making sure no harm comes to us.
And when it’s time to return to the city we have our jobs. Little Ruby takes care of the recycling. Star (7) takes the compost out. Katy Ann usually cleans up the kitchen. Travelling back to Vancouver is never as much fun as travelling to Galiano. It feels like we have to steel ourself against the concrete and noise. We have to remember that we have a nice home in the city and we’ll be able to go to the support group again. Ariel (1) can go to the library and get some new books to read. Things to look forward to ... even though we are still looking backward as the ferry pulls away from the island. We see the houses on the edge, the waves against the shore, the birds swooping and calling. We feel such envy. We hate to leave.
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So there we found our voice again. At least for today. The depression may hit again tomorrow or maybe not.
Whatever happens, happens. Thanks for listening
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