27. Screw mediocrity

 

So we have learned a little more about depression. This time reading “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by David D Burns. Published way back in 1980. He validates what we said a few posts ago about thought causing emotions. So the question is “what were we thinking?” that made us feel so down. Oh we have our recurring themes. One of them à NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Must be better than average. Must not be mediocre. Ever see the film “Amadeus”. Another composer, Salieri, so envies Mozart, who he sees as some sort of buffoon. Mozart doesn’t seem to realize how talented and gifted he is. And Salieri is terrified of being mediocre. There. That’s it. We are terrified of being mediocre. For some reason we have to be better than average or we are nothing. It’s the invisibility cloak again.

Back in high school, we had an English teacher. He never noticed us. We were invisible. Until one day we were part of a play performed in front of the whole school. We became “famous”. Do you know from then on this teacher began to pay attention to us. Finally, we were somebody. That is the message we received. That was how we perceived it.

But you know what? That’s what we like about the support group. No one of us in that group is more special than another. We are all special and unique and wonderful. We are all equal and precious. All of our stories are important. That’s the way the world should be. Recognizing each and every one of us. Recognizing the gift we are to the world. There is no one exactly like us. So there.

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Something we have been meaning to mention. Someone in the support group mentioned the spelling of one of our names. Oh right. We forgot to explain. Names like “Caere (6st)”, “Stoene Boy (6st)”, “Gaetway”. Well this alter named Reed (6st) decided one day to make up a language. He wanted it to look like old English so he started adding a lot of “e’s” everywhere. We liked it. Liked the way it looked. Caere’s (pronounced “Carrie”) full name is Caere of the Iew Sae. How do you say that? “Carrie of the wee sea”. Do you see? (very funny).

He even made up a little dictionary of words. And then we wrote a poem using his spellings. Tehe Juidith Stoeres (pronounced “The Juidith Stories”). At some point we will put it here. It’s a poem about the kids Inside who are called The Juidith Warriors, about them fighting this beast (our stepfather). It’s not finished but it’s still cool.

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Okay, we have work to do here. Kicking the depression and self-doubt aside, we are going to tell you about The Levels today. Darn it. It’s a tough one for us. We are sharing something very private and almost intimate. So tread softly while you read it. And please don’t think we are crazy because we made this up.

Thanks for listening and thank you especially to Dee Dee for her comment that raised our spirits and struck us in a very warm spot. Someone we don’t know reached back and said – it’s okay. You’re doing fine. Thank you so much for that. For understanding what we needed.