NOTE: Each alter’s name has a number after it the first time
it is on the page to show which group s/he belongs to.
See the right of this page for the group.
Well we had a wonderful birthday, spending it with people we love to be with. Even though we celebrate their “birthday” in March, some of the little ones quite enjoyed yesterday. They got to see a movie, “Despicable Me” – very cute and funny – have their favourite kind of pizza and hang out with Lance and Graham. All the things we would do on Kids’ Day by the way. Hmmm.... did we miss something?
But most of us aged another year. We won’t give you the list. It would be easier to give you the short list of those who are still under 12 years old. That list is getting shorter every year. Does that mean some day we won’t have Kids’ Day anymore? That would be a pity. However, there are two or three alters who have not been aging. Hmmm .... wonder how long we can use that excuse.
Oh yah. Lance. We told you his fake name was Mark, as you may or may not remember, but he found that way too plain a name for him. We asked him what he would prefer – Lance Riprock he said. So Lance Riprock it is. Now each person we have told that to has had a different image of a man who would fit that name. Us – a swashbuckling pirate of the seas. Well he does have that way about him, scrunches up one eye and growls “Ah har me mateys" once in a while. Easy to picture a parrot on his shoulder and one peg leg. That’s definitely one of his personalities. Graham thought astronaut. Someone else thought a porn star. Whatever. Lance it is.
Yes spending most of our birthday with Lance and Graham was exactly what we wanted and needed. Home, comfort, family, fun. All the right components to make it a great birthday. And earlier we visited our friend Sarah. We didn’t have that much to say therapy-wise. We were feeling too good. Stoene Boy (6st) popped out any number of times and dear little Hartly (?) came out to tell Sarah she liked her house. Hartly especially loved the pictures of boats and was amazed that Sarah had lived on each of them with her family. You can live on a boat????
One thing yesterday while working on our blog. We realized we have been a wee bit snippy lately especially with our dear 8-month old cat, Panda Bear. She was complaining about the establishment’s food and demanding something better but we were busy – doing our blog. What else? I think we snapped at her a couple of times then later profusely apologized to her. Irritability is a symptom of hypomania or mania. But of course it can just be a common trait among humans and not so much any disorder. Guess we don’t need to go looking for any diagnosis but do need to see that we are feeling more irritable than usual. Damn blog!
Anyway ... on to continue types of alters
Types of alters
Children personalities
This is one of the most common types of alters found among multiples. Many times there are more children alters than adult alters. They may hold memories and after-effects of the trauma, or the opposite – they may be protected, and preserved, “untraumatized”. Annie Charlie (1) took some of the abuse in our first year. At least that’s what we believe. But two alters called The Source (8) (or Source-Mother and Source-Father) decided (in a very unsophisticated and immature way at the time) to create another, a twin named Amanda (1) who would take the rest of the abuse at that time. Instead, Annie Charlie was preserved as a child who is mostly happy and curious and very playful and loveable. It’s so hard to know exactly how any alters were created at such a young age. It may be on a very simple level and then over the years that alter is refined and developed. Maybe there’s some literature out there that explains this. It’s one area we haven’t done much research in.
However, Annie Charlie was “preserved”. In those early years after she emerged she became a very dominant and active alter and she was quite wonderful to have around. She was cute and cuddly and even had a couple of temper tantrums here and there. But we took good care of her and she turned out alright. She is now 21 years old.
Children alters may develop a “particular competence” – they may be very cute, have great social skills or even be very intellectual. They may turn out to be very aggressive (read protective) or depressed or hypersexual if sexually abused at that age. In terms of aggression, our Little Ruby (4) had her weapons of mass destruction that made her feel less vulnerable. Scissors and knives mostly.
Persecutor personality
Here’s one of the most interesting and complex alters multiples create. These alters tend to identify in some way with their abuser, maybe even act like the abuser. They may try to maintain silence and secrecy around the abuse, even threatening other alters if they tell anyone about it. They may carry the rage of the abuser. They may tend to mutilate the body, have strong masochistic tendencies, and generally be self-destructive. They are often critical and condemning, belittling and berating other alters. And there may well be more than one of them in a system of alters.
Well, let us introduce you to our Razor Man (1). He definitely fit the bill for a “persecutor” personality. We told you that he did a lot of the cutting back in 1990, months before our Emergence (in December 1990 when the first alters started making themselves known). But the cutting was nothing compared to his treatment of Shell (1, 2). Persecutor personalities commonly attack the “host” personality probably at the point when the host decides to go to therapy. To the persecutor therapy means revealing the secrets. Razor Man did not want that to happen and so he threatened our “host”, Shell. ....
Shell wrote in our journal “Lately I have been hearing a man scream at me but when I look around for its owner I see no one. Is it coming from inside my head? Am I hallucinating? The voice shrieks and hurls abuse at me, with a tremendous violence, spitting threats. It feels as if his mouth is inches away from my ear so I cover my ear. It does no good. I still hear him. notes in my little calendar book, post-it notes with scribbling on it. ‘Puncture your eardrum with a pencil! Bash your head against the wall! Push staples or pins into your wrist! Throw you in front of the skytrain! Make you scream! Shove you in the closet! Punch the wall!’
‘You are dead meat, Shell!’
Upon Emergence he began to threaten other alters who were quite willing to do therapy and wanted to heal. Razor Man wanted control and nothing less. We ended up getting a counsellor at a place called SAFER which is for people who are suicidal or have lost someone to suicide. Razor Man hated (read “was jealous of”) the counsellor (we’ll call him John) we received. His hatred grew as some of us “fell in love” with John. Heavy duty transference happening here. John was our knight in shining armour come to rescue us. Not for Razor Man though.
In the first draft of our book (oh did we not tell you? We’re writing a book. Well, we’ve written about 260 pages of it) we wrote this about Razor Man. “Razor Man despises John, is threatened by the idea of trusting this sympathetic stranger with our innermost thoughts and feelings. He is a small man in more ways than one. He knows that many of us are already beginning to like John and Razor Man burns with envy for that. He wants to be the one to lead our voyage, to take control of all the turmoil and confusion, to stand at the helm and steer us through. But we do not want him there. We will not appoint him captain of our ship for we know the black waters of revenge he will take us through. We are well aware of the deep desire in his heart. He will probably continue to fight for some portion of authority within. He will most likely seek to up the ante and some of us know that Shell and possibly others of us will be carried by his momentum, will thrill with the anticipation and the illusion of growing power. He will be fed enough fuel to keep going for quite a while. And we will need someone who can rein him in eventually.”
There are two things you need to know here. First, at times, Shell and others relished Razor Man’s feelings, enjoyed his moments of intensity and passion. His rage was contagious and sometimes delicious. It felt all powerful. It felt as if we did have power over John then. It felt as if we made John cringe in terror of us. (We probably made him worried but we doubt he was that scared.) Still ....
Second, abuse is all about power. It is why people abuse, why they choose the most vulnerable and helpless to prey upon. To make themselves feel in control of others, to feel all powerful. But in order for the abuser to feel powerful, the victim must be made power-less. On the one hand, while Razor Man felt a “kinship” with our abusers and fought to keep the secrets of the abuse, he also felt incredible and intense rage for those who made him powerless. But that could never be expressed while a child. Now, however, as an adult, authority figures represented those same abusers, the ones in control, and some spark ignited Razor Man’s need for revenge. It was his turn to feel power, his turn to render someone else power-less. Fortunately, he did not choose someone vulnerable and helpless such as a child but rather chose to focus on our therapist John. Razor Man thought he was in a safe arena where the expression of his rage would not be punished. He thought he could play out his feelings, expand with his rage, threaten and scare John – without consequences. He did not truly have any intention of physically harming John. Deep down we all knew that And deep down Razor Man was sure of it. He only wanted to feel power for once in his life.
There were consequences though. – an Involuntary admittance to St Paul’s hospital, and the labels “suicidal,
psychotic and homicidal”. Razor Man calmed right down. Hospital was no fun and was not a safe environment to be in. Plus, they thought we were still psychotic and gave us a very heavy drug that put us out of commission for days. There woman, you’ve learned your lesson. Do not threaten your therapist – or anyone else for that matter or you end up in hospital or jail.
Oh
Fortunately it was at that time that we started working with a psychiatrist – Lyn. Right away she understood what Razor Man was about. She acknowledged that he could harm her but more importantly she understood that he was in pain and felt powerless. She diluted Razor Man’s intense emotions quickly and he absolutely respected her for it and thanked her too. He felt she truly understood what was happening to him.
A quick note about the rage we have carried for so long. Many years later we had an opportunity to work with a young woman doing her practicum in art therapy. We asked her if we could express our rage through art. She said absolutely. We worked with her for 11 months, in a tiny room, mostly painting but sometimes working with clay, and we put down that rage. We brushed it out with a vengeance and boy was it powerful. We were filled up with it. We were em-powered.
A final note about persecutor personalities. Frank Putnam (author of “Diagnosis and Treatment of Multiple Personality Disorder”) wrote that often these alters are “like frightened children filled with rage and an infantile sense of omnipotence”. They may also be “won over” and become extremely helpful in recovery. Underneath Razor Man’s rage sat a man filled with fear and shame and guilt. He longed for understanding and to feel empowered. Ultimately he wanted healing too.
From our reading and research, from working with our own alters like Razor Man, we have come to understand that these type of alters need the most attention and understanding. They need someone to see what lies beneath their rage and desire for revenge and power. They need to understand how vulnerable and powerless they truly felt when abused. Our psychiatrist did that for Razor Man and many others of us. We are eternally grateful for that.
We still have more types of alters to tell you about, if that’s okay with you. Then we can talk about personality systems, the collection of alters within a person.
Until then ... talk to you later guys. Thanks for listening.
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