107. Today

Friends of Gloucester, The Little Beans (Tara, Snowball, Winnie, Eeyore, Toby, ......)

This day hasn’t started off very well. We feel really creeped out and almost nauseous. Why? Well for some strange reason, upon waking from a bit of a stressful dream someone Inside began thinking of a show we saw yesterday. We only watched for about 5 minutes but it must have stuck to one of us. Don’t know who and it doesn’t really matter. A show on two young people who were murdered. Not fiction. No, you got to see their bodies. Not their faces but still seeing a dead body, a real one, even on tv, is absolutely terrifying and horrifying to us. A body with no life left in it has got to be one of the scariest things around. Now why that came up this morning we don’t understand but there it is.

Yesterday was not an easy day. The snow was beautiful but we felt well under the weather. Wonder what that statement really means. We felt quite tired, a little depressed and it felt like a cold was coming on. Throat a little scratchy, stomach a little queasy, and very low energy. We were going to visit Gloucester’s owner but we just weren’t up to it. Oh ... Gloucester. Did we mention him? He’s a little mouse, a finger puppet, who resides in the pocket of a man we met in the support group. Both he and his owner came for a visit one day and then his owner forgot him (how could he!). Of course we both suspected that Gloucester was having so much fun with all of our littlest Beans that he wanted to stay a little while longer. It was fine with us but we were really worried that his owner would be mad at us. Well he wasn’t and Gloucester had a really good time with a bunch of our littlest.

Now those little Beans are rather annoyed with us for not feeling well and having to cancel our planned visit yesterday. Sorry guys. But we will try again.

We managed to get to the library yesterday at least so that we could get something good to read in bed. We wonder if all that running this past week finally caught up with us. Who knows. Still it felt good to just rest and read and watch a little tv. A little Echinacea and some vitamin C probably helped a little too. Today we still feel low energy physically but are now haunted by that damn tv show with real dead people. Some of us get pretty fascinated with death and go over and go over it as if trying to understand why it happens and what happens. They can’t get past seeing a body emptied of life. They wonder where that person went because they have to go somewhere don’t they? Yes, morbid thoughts. Sorry about that.

Oh yah. We had one of our powerless “dreams” – a night terror, last night. We haven’t had one of those in many months. It’s where we get an image or feeling that all the lights in the world suddenly go out and we wake up with a sharp gasp. Something has definitely scared us.

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Activity Status

Yesterday we realized that we have only been telling you about a few of us who are more active these days. Way back at the beginning of this blog, post #2 dated Jan 9^th, 2011, we told you a little about The Front. This is the group of us who are more active with some of us having direct contact with you Outsiders. In actual fact, The Front is divided in two – Up Front and Near Front. Up Front is the group closest to the Outside world while Near Front is tucked in behind. These alters come out from time to time but not as frequently as those Up Front. There is also a group called the Mechanics who take care of our functioning and seldom come out. They are not interested in contacting the Outside world, have no need for it.

These three groups comprise about 1/3 of our total group of alters. All the rest are in what is called The Cradle. Sort of integrated. Sort of. That happened back in October 2009. For more details see our post #14 “Ganou & The Cradle” posted Jan 22/11.

Here’s a list of those still active, 66 alters in all, with their original group number in brackets as always.

Up Front (15 alters)

Ariel (1) – fairly active

Shell: Adult Empty (1)

Shell: Miss Normal (1) – still needed for the “facade” at times

Julia (1) – we still need her Dreaming (ambitions, goals, etc)

Othel (1) – organizes our work, including this blog

Katy Ann (2) – hangs out with Sixteen a lot

Raven, The Body (3) - very active daily

Tee-Tee (Timothy) (3) – hangs out often with Little Ruby

Daffodil (4) – very active daily, always talks to Marty

Little Ruby (4) – hangs out with Tee-Tee

Stoene Boy (6st) – plays with Hartly

Ethan (7) – fairly active and still dealing with memories and other issues

Misfit (7) – a little bit active, absolutely hooked to “Supernatural” the tv show

Sixteen (7) – her and Katy Ann hang out together

Hartly (?) – plays with Stoene Boy

Near Front (21 alters)

Tir (1) – Original Person

Shell: Miss Angry (1) – still carries Doubt, Denial, Disbelief

Letty (2)

Belle (3)

Flash (3)

Epiphany (4)

Hands (4)

Makkio (4)

Pearl (4)

Una (4) – very important alter and much needed

Bunker (5)

Serena (5) – fairly important still

Victoria (6mf) – fairly active, loves running, doing weights

Catherine (7) – unfinished work

Gray (7)

The Harbinger (7)

Honey (7) – unfinished work

Jonas (7) – unfinished work

Rebel (7) – unfinished work

Antigone, age 1 (8) – comes out whenever Stoene Boy is around

Bridgit (8) – her & Phoenix are best friends

Mechanics (30 alters)

Empath (1) – very active in support group, “in charge of” compassion

Patience (1) – absolutely necessary, Inner Self Helper (ISH) for whole group

Rebecca (1) – helps Patience, helps us meditate

Griffin-CHLD (The Beast of Rage, The Beast Without) (1)

The 3 Control Group (2)

The Controller (2) – absolutely essential

The 4 Keepers of Maura (2) – absolutely essential

Old Self (2) – absolutely essential

The Time Traveller (2) – still retrieves memories

Shell: The Censor (2) – still needed

Black Widow (3) – unfinished business

Gabriel (3) – still needed

Archimedes  (4)

Badb (4)

The 3 Grieving (4)

No Self (4)

Sean-Charlotte (5)

David (6st)

Place (6mf)

Phoenix (8) – best friends with Bridgit

Source-Father (8)

Source-Mother (8)

Ganou (The Cradle)

Now we know we haven’t filled you in on all of us in our respective groups (on the right side of this blog) and we will complete that list at some point. But we want you to know that this is who is still fairly active in some way and every day. We simply hide a lot of stuff, just like we have always done. At home and Inside our head (in Maura, our mind) there is much more activity, when we are alone. These three groups influence our life to a great degree. Some of these, we don’t know why they are still active. Our guess is that they still have issues to work on or possibly memories we haven’t recovered yet. Or sometimes we just need them to help us function well.

By the way, there will be a test on this tomorrow. How many names can you remember? (just kidding of course)

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Well, as the morning wears on our tiredness is still there. So we may just end up in bed again reading and/or watch some more tv, especially Supernatural. Misfit will be happy about that.