The Beast, Wounded Himself, Attacks in Rage
The Beast Without
October/1993: Her presentation day-to-day is highly variable. She is now having more good days than in the past but bad days are still frequent when she has difficulty leaving the house due to triggering of memories and related terror. She is closer to being able to return to work than ever before. There is still significant therapy work for her to complete before she will be stable enough to return to work.
Oprah does a show on what is “normal”. We don’t want to be normal. Not our definition of it that is. I guess we see it as someone who does not rock the boat, does not think outside the box, is not tapping into their creativity, is unhappily stuck in a 9 to 5 work day. When someone asks them how they are they say “Same old, same old”. We want to push the limits wherever we can, fill every corner of our potential, be us as much as we can, use as much of our brain as possible. But maybe we need to meet more “normal” people. It’s possible that our own view is restricting and narrow-minded. Lots of people who may seem normal at first may have more depth to them when you get to know them. What we do know is that we don’t want to be complacent, sleepwalking, same old same old. We want to be awake and alive.
Lance visits. Katy Ann (2), Tir (1) and Timothy (3) come out. Others too. Katy Ann jumps out when Annie Charlie (1) is visiting with Lance and asks him if he is going to hurt us. She stays out though doesn’t say anything more. Lance is great. He strokes her head and reassures her he will not hurt us. Impressive that he recognizes Katy Ann right away and also Tir. We talk so much with Lance and it feels so good. We are often excited about a million different ideas that are spilling out of us. So many of us with so many things to think about and say and Lance listens. He himself seems excited that Katy Ann is talking to him. Progress. It means she feels safer with him and that is success. With Lance, we are being visible, not hiding as much.
The Shadow children – Timothy’s, Alexander’s (3) and Crystal’s (3), are like back-ups and not as complete personalities as these three. They were created to carry more of the pain. They may be less full but they are still very important and played a critical role in our life.
Sarah was wonderful today. We allowed her to hold us and comfort us. No one Inside put any barriers up. It felt so nice to be cared for by her. We really appreciate her in our life. She’s helped us tremendously.
CF (1) does not want Lance to leave. She is sad and quiet. She comes out and he is able to reassure her that he will be back. We wonder if she got triggered by something. We don’t understand why she is feeling this way. And Julia (1) comes out too although she continues to be spaced out.
Tir – in her shadowy forest places where her ghostly spirit is so clear yet dark and dances through. We know this to be Tir now, to be the very essence of who we are. The rest of us surround as parts of her to watch over her and care for her as she moves through her, our, life. Her pain seems enormous, as if it is more than just hers, more than simply ours, but encompassing all human pain. She causes many of us to weep, to hurt, to feel. A dark bird of sorrow yet she will live and transcend into the light and into the one we call Empath (1). That is our future.
Meanwhile Phoenix (8) still lies dead, her physical body charred. She may be dead but her spirit is not. It is sleeping and waiting for Tir, waiting for the “kiss” that will wake her up.
It is so difficult to be in unfamiliar environments. We go to Galiano Island, Lance’s real home, and stay overnight in the little trailer. Some Inside enjoy it but others become very anxious especially as night falls. We are scared of the dark.
A dream. We are in the trailer and a lot of bats get in and stick onto us. Lance helps us at first to get them off but then he gives up and says to get them off ourself. He just rolls over and goes to sleep. Dare we interpret this dream? Is this a fear we have that eventually he will get tired of trying to help us, will get tired of us?
While it is great to be here on Galiano, Katy Ann finds it difficult. She hates being uncomfortable in any way, such as feeling cold or dirty. She’s not big on “roughing it”. The Children of the Thirteen find it hard to be away from home, being in unfamiliar territory. But Belle (3) is the opposite. She wants to be outside more and roughing it. She enjoys that kind of challenge. It’s funny how her name does not match her personality. She is not exactly a Southern belle.
We cuddle a lot with Lance on this trip, something that Black Widow (3) does not like. But she gives in to it, feeling outnumbered. However, we tell her we are committed to hearing anyone’s objections about things. We have no desire or intention to quash anyone’s needs or feelings. We will honour all. And Lance being the way he is, makes it easier for us to take care of our needs. He is so respectful, loving, willing to be himself, gentle and playful he doesn’t have a huge ego that crumbles if we say “no” to something he wants. Geez. Doesn’t he do anything wrong? ... not yet. Oh, maybe with Black Widow. She says his plumbing is all wrong and he might screw our plumbing up. What a funny way of looking at things but we do understand her. She is afraid of men.
We are not allowed to be happy, says someone Inside. It’s a sin. It’s against the law.
I feel so accountable to Graham and to society as a parent. When things are happening Inside it is extremely difficult to keep up with responsibilities – cleaning, groceries, making meals and deciding constantly what Graham should be doing in order to help with these chores. I am trying to figure out what I should do now in order that he be a pretty decent adult who takes on responsibilities in his life. I long for a break though and I am often scared when he is at home.
-----
It is time. The truth must surface now. It is impossible for me to hide from it anymore. Strong feelings about our stepdad yet I keep trying to see beyond them. What is it I ask. What did he do? But I can’t see that far yet. However, it’s there in our body, in Raven (3), and it scares the piss out of me.
How will I survive ... knowing the truth?
Maybe other survivors can understand this. When something is so overwhelming that you begin to narrow everything down to the smallest piece. We have to make our world simple right now, and quiet. For there is so much noise in knowing what and who. Step by step, moment by moment. Take the time to digest slowly. It’s a hard swallow. I have to trust the others at this time because I am lost. I won’t look for the exit yet, I promise. I will allow myself to hear, to listen to what they tell me. And I will find a way to bear it.
Time is very confusing. I have trouble with it. It blurs. It slows down. It speeds up. It disappears. Sometimes I only have a sense of having gone through another storm. I can’t see the details. I don’t know all that happened. I only understand and know there is pain. And others passing by each other. Ghosts, guardian spirits, whispers. All part of a strange dream.
Daydreams. What did we dream of when we were younger? What did we hope for in our future? Performing arts maybe. Creative endeavours. Singing, dancing, acting, writing, painting, drawing. There is where our heart lay. But life happened. Our life happened. And it took away those dreams. There was no room for them. We were too busy surviving, burying, hiding, pretending. But the dreams did not go away completely. We feel them from time to time, still there. Waiting behind the curtain, waiting for their cue. It is not impossible. Do we really believe that? Some days we do.
Gabriel (3) shouts again. The sound flies all around us and up into the sky. The anguish of being human.
Tir believes there is a beacon in her brain. “They” put it there, to hear her thinking, to make sure she doesn’t tell. Planted. Is that possible?
A gate is opening.
In a restaurant with Lance. Suddenly everything Inside comes to a halt. No energy. Stolen in a second. Swoop. It’s gone. The system shuts down, just like that. But I have to continue functioning. I have no energy to eat, drink or talk but I must pretend that I do. All that is here now is panic. I have to get out of here soon and fast. What is happening you guys? Why won’t one of you tell me what is going on?
Tir wants to fly into death.
The Controller (2) is the guardian at the gate. He is the guardian of all gates.
The Mute (3) knows so much more than me. They tell her more stuff. She writes in our journal. Her writing is different than mine. She wrote about our session with Lyn today. Lyn asked for Black Widow in case she wanted to talk to her about stuff. Black Widow came out for a little bit, mostly angry. She doesn’t want to do any therapy anymore. Doesn’t want us to talk about the abuse anymore. Lyn thinks Black Widow is shy. Some of us think she is angry at us and angry at Lyn. She thinks we don’t deserve to be happy at all.
She wrote that in the session Timothy started crying. Crystal (3) tried to comfort him and told Lyn she’s having a hard time doing it. Crystal is a little upset that Timothy cries so much and although Belle, Patience (1) and Rebecca (1) try to help, Crystal prefers Gabriel. However, she is beginning to trust Lyn a little.
Julia (1) came out and Lyn knew right away who it was. Many of us were amazed because Julia hadn’t said a word. She really wanted to touch Lyn and eventually asked Lyn to hold her hand. Julia was sad and crying. Many of us are proud of her to come out and ask Lyn to do that. Annie Charlie then came out in the middle of Julia’s tears. She thought it was kind of funny because she had tears that weren’t hers. She was in quite a happy mood as usual. Doesn’t matter what else is going on.
Whispers in the walls. There is more. More to come. Get ready for it. warnings of “incoming wounded”.
My fingers feel itchy for pills.
And then it comes ... another memory. This time it belongs to Julia and him. The Beast Without. Sorrow and outrage. They co-exist, are partners in this process. Such loss and betrayal. Bear it. We have to. Every day we must live with fear, waiting for something bad to happen, waiting for the good stuff in our life to disappear. We expect pain. It is familiar. As if only pain is real and happiness is simply an illusion.
There is a dark gate beyond this level. The Controller knows. The guardian of all gates.
No comments:
Post a Comment