Three nights in a row with little sleep. Is Razor Man (1) doing this? He’s a maniac for sure. The can of root beer on the table has “MEMANYIA” on it. That’s what we’ve got, that’s our disease. Are we ill or simply on a spiritual journey? We have been on some kind of high since getting out of hospital. Up in the middle of the night and working at least 8 hours on things. Someone wrote “we can’t keep up with the speed here it comes again buzzing through us full throttle lightning speed that makes us restless and squirming in our skin” Was that me that wrote it?
CF (1) came out and crawled into the corner of the kitchen and cried. She is very sad. And I am slipping away. I can feel it. Drifting into a trance.
The Observers’ (1) purpose is more than just recording and observing things. They also provide a link, adjustments to be made as there are new shifts within the system. I am an empty vessel, a receptacle for the others but this makes me so vulnerable and fragile. Too wide open. We must be fearless. I think John has reached his limit with us. Do you realize how powerful we are? Can you feel our power? John cares about us doesn’t he? Otherwise he wouldn’t be doing this job. I don’t think he can handle what we are dishing out. We are too much and must control our impulses. But we have to work with him, not against him. He says our writing is not productive and that we need to be more stable. But the runes tell us to retain our own identity and purpose, listen to our own instincts. Good counsel!
The Observers have more than one purpose. They can also give the system time out while they provide continuity, a sense of things still flowing while changes within are made. And they are the only ones of us, at least right now, who can handle all the things going on inside our head. It keeps happening that more than one of us are feeling something and need to express it. The Observers help us do that but on the outside it looks like we are absolutely loopy. They think we are hallucinating. But we’re not.
John wants us to integrate, just be one person but we’re not ready to do that. However, we’re afraid of losing him if we don’t. How do we do this? God, it hurts so much. I, Adult Empty (1), feel so useless, so nothing, as if there is no purpose to my life. But I do feel purpose when I feel the others, when I feel the system. Suddenly I am filled up. When I can’t feel them I am lost. Razor Man is still feeling very destructive and he is very angry, full of rage about the past. But he’s also angry at me and I don’t understand why really. He wants to get rid of me and he wants to take control of all of us.
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The problem may not be so much the creation of the system but rather my “freaking out” at the complete change I’m going through. My reality has been shaken and questioned to the core. It’s almost too much to bear. I want to leave this world.
Empath (1) is the Knowable, our ultimate goal. Una (4) is the Unknowable, the path we are on now yet have no idea where it is going. Except those deeper Inside. They know. They have always known.
No one understands what’s happening to us. In the city, in Kereth, the fire continues to burn brightly in the Center. We feel its heat. And again I ask who am I? Tir (1) is struggling and in pain, Ariel (1) is angry at John for some reason. Isa (1) has gone back to sleep. Othel (1) works on knowing us, writing down who each of us is. It is all too much for me. I can’t cope with this. But I have no choice. I cannot face who is me who is I who is us. Like poison black ink jetting out and staining my hands my clothes I despair of ever finding the light again don’t see how it is possible the way up is too high the way back too long
“I had found the edge. The place where you unstrap all your fastenings to the earth, to what you are and what you have been, where you flame out on the edge of the spheres, and the sun and moon become eclipsed and the world below is as dead and remote without interest as if it were glazed with ice.” [Black Cherry Blues by James Lee Burke]
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