31. DIRT

The Beast Within

So far Ariel (1), CF (1), Empath (1), Isa (1), Julia (1), Razor Man (1), Miss Angry (1), Miss Normal (1), Adult Empty (1) and Tir (1), all part of the group The Others had emerged. Not long after Christmas and the Joining Ceremony, at the end of December 1990, four more alters surfaced – The 3 Observers (1) and Una (4). We knew more were coming and that this was only the beginning. A  “civil war” had begun Inside. There were those of us who felt we were better off “destroying” our system, making all of us die somehow, rather than tell anyone about the abuse. On the other hand, there were those of us who disagreed with any kind of annihilation. We were fighting to preserve the system, making sure it stayed intact. We knew that therapy and healing was the better option with a more positive outcome.

Why did some prefer to destroy us all? Two reasons. First, it may be difficult to understand this unless you look at something called the Stockholm Syndrome, where hostages end up feeling loyal to their captors. Despite all of the abuse and pain our abusers caused us, some of us felt duty-bound to protect them. Some of us believed we loved them and we did not want any harm to come to them. Judith Herman wrote in her book called “Trauma and Recovery” that “The perpetrator’s first goal appears to be the enslavement of his victim, and he accomplishes this goal by exercising despotic control over every aspect of the victim’s life. ... he relentlessly demands from his victim professions of respect, gratitude, or even love.”

On the other hand, some of us were afraid that our abusers would somehow find out that we had told about the abuse and they would find us and harm us, possibly even kill us. Better to simply “erase” us all and not talk about the abuse anymore. This was not any more logical than being loyal to our abusers. As far as many of us knew, our main abusers were dead. Still, the irrational fear remained as it was so deeply ingrained in us.

1991 would see 13 more alters emerge. It would also see our ending therapy with John, and beginning with our psychiatrist Lyn. It would see Shell (1, 2) tipping over the edge into some kind of psychosis as well as Othel (1) begin to gather and organize information about each of us. We went to hospital a number of times until an eventual involuntary admission, as in being certified and committed.

More and more we had mental images of all of us travelling through this city called Kereth, heading towards the center. We travelled through forests and rode wild horses on vast plains, climbed mountains and released some one of us, Griffin-CHLD (1) imprisoned in a cage at the top of a mountain. Tir would also retreat to her own world which made her seem psychotic as well. And Razor Man continued to threaten Shell and the system.

The year began with John sending us off to hospital. He got scared – which was exactly what Razor Man wanted. He had decided to cut ourself in front of John. What a lousy thing to do eh? But don’t forget, Razor Man wanted to feel powerful. He felt very threatened by John and this was his attempt to make John squirm. It certainly wasn’t the right way to achieve any kind of empowerment but it seemed the only way to Razor Man.

At the same time our internal world was in total disruption. We believed we had been thrown out of Kereth and the gate locked on us. This was the image we had when we were admitted to hospital. Once in, we “saw” that a wolf, who had been one of our spirit guides, managed to stand on his hind legs and open the gate again. But the Civil War continued and the conflict about revealing ourself or not continued.

Once the hospital staff had given us a sedative, the internal chaos subsided for a while. What we were seeing in our internal world was matching things occurring in our “external” world. When we saw the gate opened again, we quietly re-entered Kereth. There we began to make our way again to the center of the city.

So why have all of that going on Inside us? Why did we need that story that we were telling ourself? Were we all psychotic? Were we detached from reality? No. Most of us were very much in reality. And reality was terrifying. We had emerged and we had no idea what would happen next. We feared more harm would come to us. There was no one we really trusted. John was the closest but even him we could not completely feel safe with. By travelling in an internal world, we were offered some control and some peace of mind. By giving this world an intense focus, the external world was less frightening. Unfortunately, it might have tipped Shell right over an edge and into a psychotic state of mind. That and an intense transference with John, sent us into a world of hell and immense pain.

Judith Herman, again, wrote “Patients who suffer from a traumatic syndrome form a characteristic type of transference in the therapy relationship. Their emotional responses to any person in a position of authority have been deformed by the experience of terror. For this reason, traumatic transference reactions have an intense, life-or-death quality unparalleled in ordinary therapeutic experience.” And that “a destructive force appears to intrude repeatedly into the relationship between therapist and patient. This force ... can now be recognized as the violence of the perpetrator”.

We were helpless when abused and we felt totally abandoned. There was no one to help us, no one to stop it all. “The greater the patient’s emotional conviction of helplessness and abandonment, the more desperately she feels the need for an omnipotent rescuer. Often she casts the therapist in this role”.  Some of us were “falling in love” with John. We saw him as our saviour and our rescuer. He was going to take all of our pain away. But Razor Man was threatened by our feelings for John and there were 3 alters who were also extremely worried about us confiding so readily to John. So they wreaked havoc on Shell.

Shell began to see three old women in black cloaks following her on the street, or dancing around on our back porch. She did not believe for a moment that they were alters, even though John thought they were. She believed these three women were taking over all humans’ minds and controlling everyone’s thoughts. She also believed that they wanted to kill John and felt she had to warn him about them.

Many times Shell saw the Bat Queen (8), the leader of the three, sitting in John’s chair. She believed this old hag had taken over John completely and made him disappear. So she talked to the Bat Queen and John watched and listened and believed us to be psychotic. This is what truly scared him. It seemed that we were out of control and our journal writings at that time certainly reflected such a state. Utter chaos. Shell’s journal notes written when we were in hospital show how this time was so intense and chaotic.

We are all inside the city now. All of us back together again. The antsiness we felt seemed like someone or something trying to push us out. It didn’t. We were subdued and very scared. Now the new drugs have calmed us incredibly. We head towards the Center of the City.

The use of “we”, “I”, and “they” is confused by The Observers. The Observers say “they”, the system uses “we”. I, Adult Empty, use “I” or “we”.

When they (everyone in the system except me) got here at VGH they were at the North Gate of Kereth, locked with a blue light on. Not sure what it meant. Then Ariel and Razor Man began to fight the Outsiders, trying to protect the system.

We think the punishment has stopped for now.

We are back on the spot above the lake, by the Arbutus stump, where we did the Joining Ceremony. Everyone Inside is holding hands and feeling close. Inside this city are many others looking for the center too. but no fighting. It’s quiet. Was the blue light that spreads out over the fog the same one as on the gate?

There was jitteriness last night. Very hard to sleep and much fear that the system was being destroyed.

One step in and one step out. Our feet are in both worlds right now. Our inner world is the city of Kereth.

I don’t know who’s coming or going anymore. The Observers and me do a dance, in and out of everyone’s vision. We share some of the same responsibilities – writing, recording our history and journey. The Observers provide the mirror in when all of us want to keep away from the outsiders. When we in the system are okay then we can come out. I am the main spokesperson so I come out now.

And so it continued. Switching, dealing with the hospital, trying to conceal our multiplexity from the hospital staff. And the 3 women continued to hound Shell day in and day out. As well, we were hurt for the first time by a comment John made. He called the incident of Razor Man cutting in John’s office “theatrics” and seemed angry about it. We knew then that he didn’t understand. And Shell felt so ashamed and guilty about the incident.

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We apologize if all of this is confusing and hard to understand. At the same time, it reflects what things were like back then. Words seem very much inadequate to describe everything that was happening but we so want you to know at least something of that time.