47. The Trouble with Groups

Well we are struggling with something these days. And it’s a pattern. It’s about being in groups. They scare us. We are afraid of being sucked under, a deep and swift current that will pull us down and drown us. Groups eventually become a blur for us. They are no longer about individuals. They are about disappearing. About losing our sense of self.

It’s not surprising really. We were abused by a group of people for years. We even became loyal and kept the secrets of that group. We did not tell anyone about them and what they were doing. Some of us revelled in the belonging, in being part of something. It felt special. But in our years of recovery, groups have become a threat – eventually. Sometimes right away. But other times – well, it takes a while. And now it’s happening again in the support group. However, each time this comes up means an opportunity to work through our fear. Our fear of being swallowed whole. Devoured and gone forever.

Oh, you say, but you are a group. You are many groups! Yes, we are and there’s a difference. We know that down to the very marrow of our bones that we understand each other. We share a mind and body. So we know we are safe with each other. We may have conflicts and arguments, may not even like each other but we still understand each other.

We have been in a number of support groups over the years. We even started one for multiples. You would think that that one at least would feel safe but eventually we had to leave. Even though the women were all our friends and still are. Still ... we had to go. Like a snail, pulling itself in, withdrawing from a frightening world. And that’s exactly what we want to do again.

We want to simply draw our curtains and bury ourself in books and tv. We are okay seeing some people individually. But we want to be a snail when it comes to being in a group. So the question is ... can we work through it this time to a place where we are no longer afraid? Do we have the courage to take the risk, to find out what this is on a deep level? Are we willing to seek what this fear is about? Because this time we don’t want to leave. This support group has helped us so much over the past year and a half. It has been good “therapy” for us. We want to stay. We want to trust. We want to find a way to remain individual, a way to feel ourself.

We no longer like going to concerts or the folk festival. The beach, a park. Too many people. Even parties scare us. Today we wonder if we will go to the support group. If we were facilitating then we probably would. Then we feel a little less afraid. We have a role that places us in a slightly different spot. It’s a little bit safer then. But today we don’t facilitate. Can we go? Or will we choose to stay home and bury ourself in our little shell?

Who knows?

Home is safe. Home is a cocoon. Maybe someday we will turn into a butterfly.