One eye, black and deep, motionless, stares into the reflection of itself. One eye, alone, looks longingly into the glass, searching for companionship. But finding nothing, only itself there, it turns away.
“Listen child! You listen to me, and you listen good!” The child writhes and twists its body, trying to get away from the accusatory finger, the harsh words.
“Listen child! You are a wicked, wicked thing! You do bad and dirty things! No one can love such a child as you. No one! Not your mother! Not anyone! Do you understand?”
The child moans and swings its head side to side, in a rhythm, a constant motion, rocking the pain, unbearable to sit still beneath it.
“No one will believe you, child! They will see through your lies to the wicked child you are. No one will care for your stories. You are only a stupid child with stupid stories. Lies! Lies! Lies!”
The blackness descends into blood red pain, an insidious clasping. The child shapes its body into a twisted form of creature, contorted and repulsive. Within the blink of an eye, the Beast emerges.
-----
It is 1992 and 19 more alters will emerge this year. The second group, The More Others, and the third group, The Thirteen, will make themselves known to us.
The More Others:
n’i, The 2 Mimics, The Controller, Old Self, The Time Traveller, Shell: The Censor, Letty, and Katy Ann.
The Thirteen:
Raven, Belle, Oregon, Gabriel, Flash, Timothy, Alexander and Crystal
And finally WhisperHer, of group 1 The Others, and Baby Sarah, group 8 Independents.
It will also be a year of starting new things. We will attend a 3-month education and support group for multiples. And we will begin seeing Sarah. The arrival of The Thirteen will propel us into something we would rather not have known about and scare the bejeezuz out of us.
But first we want to tell you about our Rage.
-----
Rage is absolutely essential for a survivor of abuse. It is an element of the most basic self-respect. Shame, guilt, apathy, self hatred will cover it but they will not erase it. The expression of rage is absolutely necessary as well, for if held within a cage, imprisoned by fear, it will devour your very soul. It will eat your heart. It will chew on your bones. That cage door must be opened and that beast within must be released, no matter the danger. Almost all of us Inside understand that. That monster will scream and scream at its cage door and it will rattle the bars in a frenzy until it has your attention. Rage is power. Razor Man (3) knows that. Like a gushing fountain of fire, it will push you up, up, up to the sky. You will feel its thrust from your gut all the way up to your throat. You will then open your mouth and do what Gabriel the Archangel (3) will do.
Rage is a beast yes, an animal that contains our purest and primeval pain and rage. His purpose is the expression of this pain and rage, our voice to be heard. Razor Man has brought us to the Outer Rim of the center. Inside Kereth. The Center holds truth, memories and more. Some of us are afraid we will die there but Lyn says it will be a transformation, not a death. The cage door will be opened. It will be time for us, and for Rage, The Beast Within, to come out.
From the vantage point of a ridge we can see into the distance. Mountains surround us, all robed with pink pristine snow, basking in the morning sun, welcoming a new day. The wind has died down, lost its ferocity and its tirade against us. Cold, crystal air pierces our noses and lungs. One more burst of energy is all we need to reach the final plateau, where The Beast waits. Despite our weariness, we give one final push to reach the top. Whatever reserves we have, we use. The Beast’s call carries on, a terrible anguished cry, filled with such sorrow and aching loneliness. Hang on, we are almost there. It won’t be long now.
-----
We have arrived. We have found The Beast, the creature who carries our Rage. Inside Kereth at the top of the mountain. While he waits for us to climb up to him, he howls at the moon. Imagines himself a wolf, calling for the others in his pack. Soon we will answer. Soon we will howl with him.
Beyond the center of Kereth the ground is raised, a Higher S(h)elf. We are going to do a Magic Shout together with Rage and then move onto the higher ground. Many of us are scared shitless about moving forward. We would prefer to just hide inside our head, hide within Maura, our mind. But we don’t withdraw. We reach his cage and open it.
The sound of a ribcage being cracked open bounces across the mountain peaks, is heard through the valley below. Within the chest is a dark and moist slime. One eye peers out at us, questioning. Is it you? Is it really you? Have you come to take me home, away from this place, away from this prison? Although we are repulsed by its ugliness, revolted by the decaying smell, we answer yes. We will take you down the mountain and to our home. You will come and live with us. The one eye blinks rapidly then begins a tear that falls slowly down. The Beast groans in utter relief. It steps out of the cage with a wet sucking sound, trailing slime behind as it moves towards us. We want to pull away from the loathsome creature but we grit our teeth and hold fast. This “thing” needs our love. It needs our nurturing. The Beast Within, The Beast of Rage, steps free of its lifelong cage and stays a moment. Breathing in the clear air, seeing its surroundings without bars for the first time, it thinks this is what freedom is. We offer a hand and all of us together descend the mountain. This is Rage released.
Although we have released our deepest rage there will be more. This is not the end of it. the dragon has not been slain yet. As we uncover more and more memories, there will be more outrage. Thus, we must find a way to keep expressing these deep, dark emotions. Accept this shadow within as our own. Otherwise, it will eat us alive. It will devour our very core.
And so The Beast emerges. But then there is another. One who calls us selfish, lazy, manipulative. Our Rage is in layers and this one is another. December 24, 1991 Black Widow emerges. The second layer of Rage. Razor Man is the first. Black Widow is the second. The Beast is the third and deepest. Rage goes so deep, tunnels down inside of us, into a central core.
We are turning away from being human and into The Beast itself.
No comments:
Post a Comment