56. Do You Believe?

Sean-Charlotte

I was so afraid of you knowing this about me. So afraid you wouldn’t believe me. But now ... now I’m okay. I don’t need your belief. I don’t need your acceptance. And although I still want to apologize for the awful words on these pages, still want to say I’m sorry for the descriptions, sorry for your horror ... I feel an immense relief. I can say it now. I was ritually abused.

The fear is still there. I feel very exposed and very vulnerable. And yet how can anyone hurt me? I have already accepted the worst words you can say. I already accept your disbelief. I even accept your rejection of me if need be. If it’s what you need to do. And I understand. I am open.

There have been some who have known for a long time. It was not difficult for them to believe. They had been there too. It happened to them as well. And I had no trouble believing them. I asked them many times – do you believe me? And they said “without a doubt”. They asked us the same question because they needed to know too. They were afraid you wouldn’t believe them either.

And this is more about acceptance than belief really. Do I accept? I’m not sure. I don’t know how to tell but as I was walking to the support group yesterday I felt more open, more exposed to the world, raw. It felt like life was touching me, touching my heart saying this is it. This is real. This is what it’s all about.

Phew! And I am .... we are .... okay.