Well, we feel some kind of sadness again this morning but don’t really know what set it off. Katy Ann (2) is a little worried about our cat Panda Bear, who is in heat, afraid she is suffering. Panda meows and meows at us to pet her, something she did not do before. Her meow is such a needy one. Please, please, please.
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We made it to the group yesterday and felt good being there. We are clear that we don’t want to leave, that we want to stay a long time if we can. We just need to take breaks sometime. When our brain is screaming at us to shut down. When we came home after group we stuck our nose in a book for the rest of the evening until bed time. It’s such a welcome break from everything.
And maybe it’s the aftermath of revealing the ritual abuse.
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We were struck by one woman’s story yesterday. She has felt very depressed and suicidal for a while. We asked her if anything had happened in her life lately. Yes. She had her heart broken then came to the conclusion there must be something wrong with her. Oh but so many of us have been there. We have been hurt, betrayed, abandoned by someone and we fall deep into the hole of black despair. Nothing to live for anymore. Nothing to hope for. How do we bounce back from that? How do we pick up the pieces and say – no, I’m still okay as a person. I am still lovable. I am not a deficient human being. How do we stop ourself from going down that path of self doubt? And what do you say to someone to convince them that this does not mean they are unlovable, does not mean there is anything wrong with them? Maybe she will find out someday. Maybe she will meet someone else who will show her she is perfect the way she is. We certainly hope so.
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The Coefficient of Power. CoeP. The formula that Othel (1) came up with. (See our post #43 Feb 6 “Othel”). How do you measure knowledge? How do you measure power? How do you measure pain and helplessness and innocence? We believe that as human beings in the world we are constantly reframing our perspective. Each time we have an experience, it either confirms what we already knew or believed or it asks us to change our perspective and integrate the new knowledge. Throughout life we have to keep figuring out what the rules are, and how to behave, how to keep making it work for us. We keep trying to get some kind of hold on an uncontrollable world. While no one can rule all of life, healthy and loving parents can teach their child how to adapt to situations she finds herself in. The child becomes resilient and can handle many unexpected events or new experiences. But a child who is abused cannot. Her world is made small and rigid and full of terrifying rules she must learn in order to survive. She must then find her own way to gain some control.
Othel did that for us with his formula, with CoeP. He likes things to be very exact because the world he experienced when we were growing up was full of random acts and rules that changed often. Our internal world has rules. The Levels provide us with those rules and that magic number is a reflection of those rules. It is something we can always count on. It is power within. Each of us have been changed and will continue to be changed as we move through the healing process. Each of us will gain more enlightenment about us and about life. Each of us will learn and grow on this journey and we will be able to track that growth in a very exacting way. For most of us, if not all eventually, those coefficient numbers will increase. We are proud of what Othel created. It has been an amazing tool.
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