We are filled with self doubt this morning. Critical voices from within. We compare ourself to other people and find ourself wanting. Inadequate. Not good enough. And angry.
We got triggered in group yesterday and it’s not the first time. But it really didn’t dawn on us until after group that we had been triggered. We thought we were just being irritable and bitchy. While the group carried on we sat there going “be quiet now. You are grumpy and bitchy and lashing out. People in the group are feeling your irritability and don’t appreciate it and besides you are not perfect. You are as ‘flawed’ as everyone else – in case you were thinking you were better than everyone else.” Checks and balances. We have a horse Inside our mind, inside Maura. His name is Anachie. He belongs to Tir (1). He is her Power Animal. But she allows others of us to ride him. What is truly great about him is that when he thinks we are being arrogant, feeling superior to other people (which we sometimes do to our chagrin and shame), ego too big, etc. he dumps us on the ground. He “grounds” us. Gets us “grounded” and all the plays on that word. It is a reminder to stay humble and equal to everyone else. No more. And no less.
But on the way home after group we talked Inside. Why were we so bitchy? We get like that sometimes. What’s going on? And then ... oh we were triggered. And when we get triggered we get really angry. And it gets really difficult to sit still and control the anger. The urge to leave is so strong. Or the urge to jump up and scream at someone is so strong. And we don’t want to do either. Cause we know it’s not really anyone’s fault, not anyone in the group. It is our stuff. Our past that is rearing its ugly head and saying look at me. Face me. I am your demon, your fire-breathing dragon. Deal with me. NOW!
We were tempted to apologize to the group when it came to our turn. Certain that everyone could feel our anger. But we didn’t. Weren’t able. We weren’t facilitating the group so that made it harder and yet easier to feel the trigger. If we were facilitating we would have had a different focus. We don’t get so triggered when we are facilitating.
In the end, it’s all about rage. And under that rage is the fear of being “disappeared”. Of being annihilated. Of being erased. Of feeling insignificant. Sure that we don’t matter in this world. Keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself because no one wants to hear them. The sense of No Self (4). I am no one. On family trips Julia (1) sat in the back seat, gazing out the window, seeing her dreams, no ... Tir’s dreams. “Someday” she would whisper to herself, to Tir, “I will be somebody”. We used to think she meant famous. But that was not what she meant.
To be somebody. When you feel like nobody. Invisible. Disappeared. Worthless. Of no measurable impact. Of no significance.
If we shout loud enough, do you think we might be heard? Do you think someone might notice how much we are hurting? A teacher in high school. He kept calling us “Lori”. Said he just couldn’t help it. But we liked it. It had the opposite effect of what you might think, not being able to remember our real name. It actually made us feel special in some strange way. As if he were re-naming us, something that was important to him. And one time he really did see us. He drew us aside after class one day. Asked us if anything was bothering us. We had been depressed for about a week, or maybe it was longer. Don’t really remember. But he asked! HE NOTICED! We couldn’t tell him anything though. We were sworn to secrecy. Threatened with severe punishment if we ever told. But he asked. And that was all that mattered.
And then he let us be in a play with an important part. And the cast travelled with him and his wife to another city for a competition. We felt so special. Finally we were somebody. We also put the play on in front of the whole school. And then our English teacher began to notice us. We were nobody in that class until the play.
But even after all this time, all these years of our adult life when we have come to know that we are important to some people and that we are loved, we still have doubts. We still compare ourself to others and find us lacking. Why we go down that path who knows. It’s a futile endeavour. Of no real benefit.
In our dreams last night we were feeling very competitive with someone. And full of anger towards them. We wanted people to know the truth about this person, that they weren’t seeing the real person underneath it all. Abusers are so good at that. Put on this wonderful facade. What a nice person they seem. Everyone likes them. They know all the right words to use. Yet we know different. We know the true being under that mask and cloak. We know the game they play.
It really makes us want to scream.
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Having written all this peels away a layer of our defence. We feel more vulnerable now but also more connected to something deeper within us. We don’t want to be seen as arrogant or selfish or bitchy or controlling, etc, etc. We want everyone to think what a wonderful person we are. But maybe all of us human beings would like that. Maybe what we are really yearning for is to matter and to be loved. And maybe allowing ourself to feel vulnerable, to contact those deeper emotions, allows us some compassion for ourself. That kicks a wall down. That peels away a layer of armour. We feel our heart now and it beats like every other heart wanting to love and be loved. The same. No more. No less.
Do people who abuse children yearn for love too?
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