67. The Beast Without (Then)

Othel

Julia

Katy Ann

“The chambered nautilus is an amazing shell: the volume

enclosed by its internal surfaces is greater than the

volume enclosed by its outer surface.

There is more space inside the nautilus

than its shell occupies...

Is there more space within than without?”

[Tesseracts 4: Chambered nautilus” by Elisabeth Vonarburg]

Othel (1) is somehow connected to our stepfather. Is that why he is male? Othel’s projects are to keep away his pain. He has to keep busy. It’s his way of coping.

A dream that our father is showing a child the semen inside his penis.

[Shell (1, 2)] Something I must mention and it seems quite significant. I think it’s the closest I have come to believing or thinking that my stepfather did do something to us. Lance and I are sitting on his couch. I notice he has on a pair of brown pants. And then it registers ... an internal shock as I see those pants. Pants like my stepfather wore. The shock is that I am looking down at my stepfather’s legs. When I leave Lance’s place I know why that sick feeling is there. This is also the Remembering.

The memories are about our stepfather. Very scary. And makes some of us very angry.

It is hard to believe the memories about our stepfather yet at the time they surface we do not disbelieve either. We have no doubts then.

Katy Ann (2), Othel and Julia (1) have a connection. Our stepfather. All three were harmed by him in some way. Despite the past, despite the fact that Lance reminds us a little of our stepfather, Katy Ann comes out when he visits us. She doesn’t often speak to him but it still is progress.

Tir (1) did not know our stepfather very well, had little contact with him. However Othel often related to our stepfather, his independence and stubbornness. Ariel (1) hated our stepfather. Wrote in our journal of her hatred for him. Our grandmother did not like him either but we don’t remember why. When our cousin of the same age as us came to live with us he picked on her daily. It was as if he was angry at her for living with us. But we couldn’t understand his hatred for her. We loved her. She was our best friend for 2 years. We wanted to protect her from him.

A fear of “dad”. And meeting the monster face to face. The real beast.

Our cousin says our stepfather did not love us, loved no one but our mom. She says he put on a mask and pretended to be nice to us, to me, when other people were around but he was not so nice when we were alone. She thinks he probably ignored us, was indifferent to us. We ask her if she thinks he was capable of sexual abuse. She says it’s quite possible, given what he was like. We tell her how much we appreciate her memories because some of us remember so little or nothing at all. She understands the need to blank it out. She says she will do anything to help us get better.

Another memory. This time it belongs to Julia and him, The Beast Without. Sorrow and outrage. They co-exist, are partners in this process. Such loss and betrayal.

Othel is crying, maybe for the first time. Our anger and rage hurt so much but Othel fights it so hard, tries to push it all way, tries to work on his latest project, refusing to stop even when some of us ask him to. He says he cannot stop. Patience (1) says maybe this is what he needs to do. Eventually he will come around.

Julia feels sick. She can barely walk. She whimpers for the rabbit dolls. Asks Annie Charlie (1) to get them who, in turn, asks Graham to get them. Julia introduces herself to Graham.

Julia crying and so sad today. Tir yesterday. Katy Ann the day before. One after the other.

Going down into the Belly of the Beast.