Stoene Boy in one of his silly giggling fits
“I spun you out of my mind’s eye”
[song by Perth County Conspiracy]
Being extreme. A need within. To express we are being who we are. We want to be even more. A burning desire which you see most of all in Tir. But there are others who want the extreme too. so they tell me. A line from a Perth County Conspiracy song “I believe in you, not as you are, but as you should be.”
Annie Charlie (1) talked to Lance today! She is growing and evolving which is absolutely amazing to me. I never expected to watch not only my own growth, but that of the others Inside.
Ariel (1) has been a friend to me in the last 6 months or so. She has pulled me out of depression a number of times.
Something very odd is happening to us or maybe just to me. It is as if I am feeling a physical metamorphosis, hearing the old skin crack and flake away. And it is not happening slowly and gradually but rather at breakneck speed. We are alive together like never before. A feeling of all our energies boiling up together. Someone’s ear is so sharply tuned to our every mood, our every feeling, as if we are so wide awake. I feel it in our chest, a great opening. Life is worth living today. I feel new and reborn.
And yet .... yesterday I felt something dark coming, ascending from within and growing outward. Black tentacles reaching up and out as if searching the air for its prey. A monster within. Is it him? The Beast Without?
Everything seems broken down into its purest form. Atoms and molecules. The tiniest essence of being.
We are going to a journal workshop this weekend. Our anxiety about it has been building for quite a while. I am scared we will get triggered and end up in a tailspin again. Back to hospital. I am scared the monster himself will come out of the closet.
A dream of something planted inside our body and soon it will try to get out causing a great gash to open up and bleed. We are quite frightened. Lance sees it too and also feels frightened. A picture on the wall of a woman with a sword in her hand. She will have to cut or kill herself. But instead she looks down at the sword. It is a gesture of submission.
We were right to fear the journaling workshop. In our writing we come face to face with that monster. It is terrifying and makes us feel depressed and hopeless. It is something we really don’t want to face at all and yet there it is. No choice. By the end of the first day we feel sick, the symptoms of a cold coming on. Sore throat, headache, body aches, tired, nauseous. The monster is too much to handle. We don’t want to come tomorrow. Want to stay home, curl up, eat tomato soup, watch old movies, hug the rabbit dolls, read a good book and sleep. Cocoon.
Something deep Inside us that is not in other people’s heads. There really is a monster in there. Is he in Maura, our mind? Does he have access to The Storehouse and our memories? God I hope not. What might he do then? How can someone else get in your head?
Precursors of monsters within, beacons planted and molecules shifting. There is one who knows these things ahead of time. When they happen will it be like déjà vu?
The Little Ones work in their colouring book. CF (1) shows Annie Charlie how to colour each character separately. Annie Charlie does three pictures. Then CF does one. Katy Ann (2) says she can do better. Patience (1) says everyone does their best. Julia (1) and Katy Ann work on one picture together until Graham arrives home. They quickly put the book away and disappear Inside, not yet comfortable to come out with him. But Annie Charlie has no qualms about coming out. She shows him the little stuffed rabbit she picked out to give Sarah. Graham gives Annie Charlie a hug.
We are bursting with some kind of energy, of fire, of joy, of anger, and of Rage. It all feels so alive, bright and enough to take the whole world down with us. I don’t understand where this feeling of joy comes from and I know that others Inside still suffer, but the “outside” shell is metamorphosing, changing its appearance, changing its perception of the world. Our outside has come alive.
Arwen (1) is needed now. To help us through this. This is an especially hard one, a memory to bear, and we are certain that chaos will ensue. But we must still be able to function, to not end up in hospital. The wind begins to blow on top of the mountain and I am sick with fear and anticipation. I have to know.
Our relationship with Lance is going into the danger zone. Here is where we become afraid and withdraw. Don’t ever get too close to us. We can’t ... we won’t ... we aren’t able to breathe.
We are changing physically, our atoms are being rearranged. A new energy.
Katy Ann comes out and says something about us having to be a good girl. From what I know about her it’s pretty hard for her to be “good”. She tends to get mean and rude quite often. She is so obviously angry about what was done to her.
After our hour of working with Sarah we sat in her living room listening to Loreena McKennitt and crying. Sarah put a blanket around our shoulders. We felt well taken care of but there was also an icky feeling there too. we couldn’t place it at first but I think we can now. There was a feeling of shame and guilt. It was an old feeling, a repeat of something from the past. All we can put together at this point is a feeling of something that happened. No visual image. It was like an adult who had done things to us, very intimate shameful things and then rewarded us afterwards, making us feel like a special little girl. But all we felt was shame, guilt and dirty. Don’t know what that adult was but I think it was a woman, someone who was nice to us, treated us special, very motherly, but in the end she betrayed us and made us feel we were the ones who did something bad.
Bad dreams. Violent and gross. pieces of memories. My mother was drugged and we were created. Who drugged her and why?
We dream we are driving a car really fast on a twisting, turning highway. We smell smoke and stop and check under the hood. We believe the radiator is overheating but we get in and drive again, hoping to reach our destination before anything happens. I’m not sure if it’s me driving at first but when we start up again I am way above and behind the car watching it on the road. We are taking someone home. The dream ends at a crossroads – many directions to take. Talk about a dream making sense of things.
No comments:
Post a Comment