77. Inside Passages (Shell's notes)

Toboggan from Hell (Serena)

“What’s important is not the verifiability of the memory

but the significance of the memory to the teller”

[“The Flock” – Joan Frances Casey]

Tir (1) cut us on the wrist. We haven’t done any cutting for a long time. She keeps writing things in our journal, memories she has. They are awful. Maybe this is why she cuts right now. Too painful for her. She was around from birth to about age 5 then went into hiding. She resurfaced when we were a teenager.

Sometimes when we cry I can hear the crying move from one alter to another. When one of the really young ones cry our mouth opens really wide and we wail.

To acknowledge helplessness is excruciating. One of the worst feelings in the world. There’s got to be someone to blame for the abuse but who wants to blame the adults who were supposed to take care of you. How does a child deal with that? Nope, you have to wait until therapy. There is where and when you can begin to see that you had no control back then, to see those adults were wrong to do what they did to you, and to see that there was no one there you could trust, no one to stop what was going on. Yes, you were helpless. And it was not your fault.

So now we can cry. Lyn and Sarah will listen and maybe even hold us. We can weep in their arms. And then maybe, just a little, we can let go. It’s alright now. It’s over. You don’t have to be scared anymore. You are safe here. So the adult/child we are weeps some more then begins to breathe, begins to believe that it is finally over. We are safe now. The tears wash our face and our lungs become clear.

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Tir is such a strange one. When she writes she seems like a young child but I see her Inside and she is an adult. Maybe an immature adult. She lives in both the past and the present, at the same time. She has been talking about this blue liquid she says they put inside her. It doesn’t make much sense to me but it does to her. This is the way she is. This is who we are. And this is The Remembering.

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A dream: we are supposed to go on a trip but find that we are not ready. We return home feeling disappointed. Still in the dream - we phone Lyn to see if we can get an appointment with her. She says she was really looking forward to a break from us. We feel very alone.

Othel (1) is managing to get some work done. He keeps us somewhat grounded by doing his projects. Some others though are pounding on the door wanting out but that is not an easy request apparently.