89. The Fisher King

Know the story? Seen the movie? Robin Williams plays the fisher king. Jeff Bridges is in it too. Here’s how it goes.

“A madman carries out a massacre in a popular New York bar, after hearing the popular DJ Jack Lucas (Jeff Bridges) rail against Yuppies. Dejected by remorse, the DJ strikes up a friendship with Perry (Robin Williams), former professor who became unhinged and then homeless after witnessing his wife’s violent death in the bar shooting. Jack seeks redemption by helping Perry in his quest to recover what he believes is The Holy Grail, from the private Library of a New York Socialite and to win the heart of Lydia, the girl Perry has fallen in love with”

Okay this is one of those legend-type stories, you know full of symbolism and archetypes, etc. There are many versions of the story and different kings. The one we’re familiar with is King Arthur. He is wounded and his kingdom suffers because of it. Someone must retrieve that Holy Grail in order to heal the king. What we like in the movie is Jeff Bridges’ role, the DJ. He resists and resists the quest. Yet Robin Williams, the fisher king, presses him and finally Bridges gives in.

We think that many of us humans are like that DJ, depressed, despairing, and/or disappointed with the way our lives have turned out. Maybe something has happened that has been a pivotal event, a defining moment where we think – what’s the point? Yet, like Bridges, deep down, we know what is needed. We know we must embark on that quest, find that Holy Grail, and heal the king, his kingdom and thus ourselves. Maybe it’s like surrendering and accepting that this is the way life is. We had hoped for something different, something more than this. Thus we despair.

But if we can find our way, find that Holy Grail, accept what life is giving us, we might just heal. For us in The Web, that Grail has a lot to do with meditation and enlightenment. That, we believe, is our path towards acceptance and healing. It’s not the only way but it’s a critical one. Time and time again we want to take control of things, not just our own life, but of situations that we are in. If we had control, no one would die, everyone would be loved and feel love. Everyone would get to do what they love doing. There would be no wars. But .... that’s not the way it goes. So we seek acceptance of life, of what is, and what is now. We want to accept that we will suffer losses and that someday we will die. We want to accept that this is who we are. And it is so hard.

In 1990, the year we fell apart, was the beginning of that quest. More likely, it was a beginning awareness that we had a path to follow, we had a quest and it was time to get started on it. Find that Holy Grail. It has been a spiritual quest no doubt. A search for meaning. Profound. Painful. And it’s probably not finished. We don’t think we’ve got the grail in our hands yet. And we don’t know what things will look like when we do. It’s also possible, and maybe unthinkable, that we will never find it. Alas.

For many months now it has been very hard to get out of bed in the mornings. But we don’t feel like we are depressed. But isn’t that struggle a sign of depression? Can we be depressed and not know it? Guess it’s possible, especially since we are multiple. But we would really like to know who Inside is depressed and more to the point, why? Like we said before, every day has meaning. We know we are growing psychologically and spiritually. We know we are learning about ourself and life. And maybe we experience a little disappointment, dis-illusionment every day too. Think we read somewhere, in one of those Buddhist or Zen books that we must face disappointment and disillusionment in order to reach enlightenment. God that’s depressing.

But we sense there is much truth in those words. That if we are willing to face those things there will be something beyond and it will be good. It will be okay in the end. That if you face your despair and disappointment, accept it, that you will eventually move through it, and find something new, possibly even profound. Maybe we will find the Grail itself. Some kind of answer. Some moment of enlightenment. An epiphany even. So maybe this is all about a leap of faith, a trust in the universe or something. Whatever your god may be, whatever you pray to.

Okay how about some quotes to support all of what we just said.

“..the tragedy of life is not that we die, but rather what dies within us while we still live.” (Thomas F. Monteleone)

“In the middle of the journey of our life, I came to myself within a dark wood where the straightway was lost.” (Dante – The Divine Comedy)

“Until we admit our despair, or until someone/something helps us name it, we are in free-fall. We have no mechanism for gaining enough ground to jump. And what despair requires of us is tolerance during the free-fall, and then the courage to take a leap of faith.” (Life’s Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Quest” Christina Baldwin)

“He defined despair as an integral part of human maturity, an avenue of learning that should not be avoided. Despair is such a nearly universal experience among people who have chosen consciousness, that you and I would do well to accept it, name it, and prepare ourselves as willingly as possible to submit to the process.” (also Christina Baldwin)

And finally,

“When you come to the edge of all that you know, you must believe one of two things: There will be earth to stand on, or you will be given wings to fly.” (author unknown)

We hope you find your own Grail.