"Atomic Girl" Anahata Joy Katkin
March 9, 1993: Annie Charlie’s (1) 4th birthday. We decide to name this day as birthday for her.
Isa (1) babbles and babbles in session with Lyn. Apparently Lyn laughed. Patience (1) said Lyn seemed delighted and amused. We have to admit that Isa’s babbling is quite pleasant to listen to. Bubbling baby. Happy baby. Happy now.
The video. I watch it for the first time and emotions erupt from me. I am laughing and crying at the same time. And I am in shock. I watch four of us, no – more than that. Annie Charlie, CF (1), Black Widow (3) and Tir (1), yes. but there’s a neutral person there. It might be me or a number of us in The Front at the same time. No one is sure. But watching this – this is real. Oh my god, I’m multiple. And this is almost too much for me to handle. Overwhelming.
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Fallout?
Tir comes out with Lance. Tells him that Baby Sarah (8) is gone and that she thinks Black Widow took her. She tells Lance a bit about Black Widow’s past.
Even Annie Charlie, who doesn’t really get bothered too much by things, is “irritated” with Black Widow. She had said some things about Annie Charlie that weren’t that nice. Maybe she is jealous of the attention Annie Charlie gets.
On the weekend Black Widow was causing some problems for us, going around to others and verbally attacking them, threatening them. She was obviously upset about something. But she does not tell us what’s going on with her.
Much despair from both Tir and Black Widow.
We wonder if the videotaping has had a cost.
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Othel (1) feels less urgency now about working on his current project. It seems like he is not trying to run away so fast anymore and that’s why there seems to be a lot of stuff coming up around our stepdad. Othel agrees.
Our stepfather. Trying to remember things about him. I realize there are so many gaps for me, so little I recall of our home life back then. I do remember him being very angry sometimes and that he didn’t seem to like our grandmother very much. (Well she didn’t like him either). We think that’s because she was “invading” his territory. I remember too that he did not have his own friends, or even seem to be friends with those of our mother. Her friends were mostly from the church. I try to remember more. His face when he was angry at us. I know Ariel (1) hated him.
Memories of being sick. He was much older than our mother, and retired. So he stayed home and took care of the house and us while our mom was at work. When we were sick he would have us lay down on their bed, him beside us. There were times he comforted us. He even “played” with our dolls. We would bring our favourite doll, Susie, to the table sometimes, prop her up by a chair. He would talk to her and sometimes give her some of his food.
He was very independent, stubborn, unique and loved travelling. He went around the world twice. There used to be slides of his travels but they are gone now. Our mother does not know where. He also loved walking. And he even had a sense of humour. How confusing all of this is. Are we wrong about him abusing us? If he abused us, how could he have been so nurturing at other times?
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Fall is a bewildering time for me, for us. Time to go back to school fills us with intense and unpleasant feelings. And yet there is also the feeling of renewal. Many times in the past, in the autumn, I have fallen apart emotionally and often physically as well. I get sick. But this is also a time for hibernation and coziness. Wanting to wrap ourself up into a dark cocoon, insulate ourself from the world. Ultimate protection.
Suicidal urges are stronger when we feel better. Is it because the more light there is, the more dark there is?
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We are changing. Our view of the world and especially that of our own life is shifting. We are beginning to see that anything is possible. If we really want to do something, we can. Even if one door closes, there are many more that can be opened. We also grapple with the idea of control – of having control in our life but also of surrendering to the forces of life itself. Back and forth. We feel the panic and fear Inside that we are powerless in so many ways, that many things can happen around us, that we can be struck down by these things and our life can be changed or ended just like that. At the same time we see the human connection, the collective unconscious and the connection to all things as well. We have a terrible wound to recover from, to heal ... and so many other people do too. We may feel very alone, and feel scared to be alone yet we are not truly alone. We are part of something big and we keep trying to understand that every single day. I feel so overwhelmed in some ways with this journey. It is incredible, fantastic, frightening and challenging.
Some of the others tell me what they see and understand about me and my four “parts”. They see that I shift from one to the other, more subtle than switching. The shifting is more like a blurring of time for me and causes me to have trouble remembering things that have happened within a day. The Censor (2) part of me is a wall, an amnesiac barrier between the things that happen Inside of us and what occurs on the Outside. The Adult Empty (1) part is open and allows switching of alters to happen, allows others to come out. Othel says we don’t have all the information or the ability to know all the switching that goes on during a day. He loses time as well. He says we probably could go digging to find out but it doesn’t seem practical or useful.
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We continue our journey. What is coming will be even harder than now. We must pull together as much as we can. Some Inside know how difficult this all will become. Hold on everyone. We’re in for a hell of a ride.
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