Faces by Katy Ann
The Bigger Picture
This is only one side of the story. Only my side. Whoever reads this is only seeing my perspective of things. I know there is so much more. That inner space again. Is it infinite or is there a limit somewhere? What I know is not the whole thing.
Fidgetiness comes back while lying in bed, trying to sleep. Trying to get out of this body. Trying to get away from danger. The danger of our rage. Hazardous material. This is what happens when I don’t deny or disbelieve. Outrage that punches the surface, explosive, leaves us shaking and trembling. Black Widow (3) spews her venom. The Beast Within (3) bellows in agony. This is our rage that runs so very deep. Is it our core? Is this what we are at the very center of us?
There are tears for Black Widow, for how much she hurts. Grief. Guilt. I saw a tree bleeding from its bark the other day. Its leaves were dripping blood. Blood tears for Black Widow.
The support group. The exercise is to draw the masks we wear in our life. It is difficult for us but I don’t understand why. I feel as if I don’t understand what the exercise is. I am not sure what we are supposed to do. My mind is a blank. But eventually we draw some. Tir (1), with her expression of despair. Black Widow with her rage. One mask is a look of horror. Another is the look of fear. One of the facilitators, Monica, comments that maybe we don’t need masks like other people do. Possibly our different selves are the masks. Maybe that’s why it is so hard to draw them. Or maybe there is only one mask for us, one that is blank, hiding our multiplexity. “What is hidden is quintessential.”
Belle (3) is nervous about Monica. She questions how Monica knows so much about abuse, and multiplexity. Monica says that if any of us in the group come across a sealed box inside to not open it by ourself. Be in a safe place and with someone who is safe. What does she mean by that? How does she know? Belle says it’s a code, a signal. Monica is speaking another language to us and we understand exactly what she means. That is the scariest part. It feels like Monica got inside our head. It was like that with Anna, the facilitator of the multiplexity group. She would say something that we knew was meant for ones deeper Inside. A code. A signal. We know about those. Does this mean Monica is dangerous? Belle wonders.
Self harm. Self mutilation. We are not the only one to hurt ourself. These other women do too. It is of some comfort to know this. It is common amongst survivors of abuse.
The memory still keeps coming up. The one Tir and Black Widow are involved in. The one where we are forced to harm another. It is beyond repulsive. It is against human nature, against instinct. But another instinct takes priority, the one where we have to survive. Our life over that of another. It is so unfair and we have no choice. Over and over it plays for us. This is the Remembering.
How long does it take to remember everything? How much more do we have to remember for this to be done with? Complete. Finished. Laid to rest back in Maura, in its spot on a shelf. Lid closed. When do we get to stop remembering?
The sound of another child crying Inside. I don’t know who it is.
The Mute (3) writes about what happened to us. Details I do not want to know. Dirty words. Disgusting. Unbelievable but we have to believe. We have to. Otherwise we betray ourself.
Timothy (3) cries for all six of those children. Someone has to.
Tir’s demons follow us, like The Bitches (8) did. They make a crackling sound. Fire igniting, sparks flying. They are full of electric energy. Makes our hair stand on end. How do we get rid of them?
Remove the beacon.
The tiny Asian woman comes again. A third visit. We ask how she is feeling about our work together. Her excitement is contagious. She feels she can be honest with us, feels safe. We do not hold any judgment of her, do not criticize. Just like Lyn works with us. And Sarah. Allowing and accepting whoever is there. We want to do more of this. It makes us feel braver and stronger. We feel the fight with other demons, not ours. If we can conquer them we can conquer ours. It all blends together. Stop all of them. Eliminate all. Take away their power and find our own. Power equals that over another. Em-power means power for all, equal.
Each week, in the support group, at the beginning of the session, we are asked to close our eyes, relax every part of our body, if we can even feel it, and look for any feelings. Where are they in our body? Are there any images? Yes! immediately, a vision of a huge hole through the center of us, where our stomach is. We can see the plains of Kereth, the mountains in the distance. This is the place where horses run wild and free. But no horses today. Instead it is very quiet. Only the sound of the wind. I, maybe we, feel very alone in this place.
The image then changes and we see an arched brick gateway. We are re-doing our journey picture from week 1, the small one that took up so little space on a piece of paper. This time we will use up the whole page and this gateway will be a part of it. It is a portal leading to a beautiful garden, a small forest of light and life. Green leaves dancing and waving in the sun, birds singing in soft high notes, the warm familiar smell of summer air on our skin. This is a place of abundance, of Life. However, it is not a place of forgetting. Thus, there is sadness as well. We feel the losses we have endured, all of the pain. It is all there. Nothing left out. To feel one is to acknowledge the other. In order to feel your own light, you must meet your darkness as well. The shadow of your soul. Both sides. The yin and the yang. Whole and complete.
Do you know the dragonfly? A symbol of transformation. Yes.
Monica asks if we need anything from the group. No. Today we are confident of our own strength, sure of our healing process. We will be okay. We know that now. We can deal with this. We can bear it. And with that, we are filled up with energy. Our spine straightens. Our chest opens. We are present. This is what we work towards. To not take flight, not let the fear chase us into withdrawal. The declaration. I am here and now. I am. We are.
In the next session with Lyn she says we have a beauty about us, a glow.
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Our rage continues to pound on our door. It pleads with us for release. It wants to shout at Graham, be impatient with Lance but we will not allow it. all we can do right now is cry. We have returned to our feeling of helplessness.
[The Mute writes for Black Widow]
I am tired of self help, self love, love the child within, etc. etc. So many people think that “love” is the answer. Anyone who has an answer for life is full of shit and they probably didn’t have to do awful things when they were little. They probably had a family that was nice to them (whatever that means). I will never love anyone – Inside or Outside – and including me. It is not a decision I make. It is not a choice I make. I feel nothing but anger, Rage and hatred. Lyn understands. She does not tell me or ask me to love anyone or myself.
The dark and the light must live together. Maybe when we criticize ourself or others it is indicative of hurt, wounds not yet healed. When we are busy trying to be perfect we do not have the chance to look at what parts of us need healing. When we find ourself being critical maybe that is the time and opportunity to see what hurt is there for us. All parts need to be seen, need to be felt, need to express themselves.
Julia (1) continues to work on our new picture, our true journey of healing. We are beginning to feel proud of her for doing this. When the picture is done there will be a call for celebration, an accomplishment and special recognition for Julia. She is beginning to shine something fierce. Lyn gave us a book on how to draw Celtic knots. Julia draws a grid and begins to draw them around the picture. The walls of Kereth. The picture grows more beautiful every day and we are impressed that Julia keeps at it. She seems to have no doubt that she will finish it. I think Othel (1) envies that, completing a project. He is not very good at that.
Gabriel (3) has gone somewhere, has been for a while now. As if he is on a special quest.
Hear them crickle crackle the beacon does that. Hear them in my head. Going to have to end this. My head so they can’t have me evermore. – Tir
The tiny Asian woman is multiple. I knew that.
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Session with Lyn. A memory surfaces and suddenly Gabriel appears. He comes, crying out “Get inside! Get inside!” He means The Cocoon. Crystal (3) is so relieved to see him and wraps her arms tightly around him, inside his cloak. He continues to yell at us while clutching Crystal to him. the other Children of the Thirteen (3) come and cling to him as well. He takes them all Inside to the Cocoon. Crystal cries. All the pain of being without Gabriel is released. Her crying turns into many of us sobbing, weeping. There is just so much grief. Gabriel had gone ahead, scouting out the new terrain. He found Phoenix (8) there, not dead, but waiting for us, still in the ashes.
We are not looking for happiness right now but freedom. The walls imprison us. walls of stone.
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Katy Ann (2) is upset today. She feels unloved, not worthy of being loved because she can be mean. But even Annie Charlie (1) says she loves Katy Ann and Katy Ann can be especially mean to Annie Charlie. We phone Sarah so Katy Ann can speak to her. Ariel (1) thinks Katy Ann wants to feel special too. Later Katy Ann comes out with Lance, talks to him longer than she ever has. She says it’s okay for him to come to Kids’ Day, the birthday celebration for the kids. She tells him how hard it is to be so angry all the time, how hard it is to not be liked or loved. Everyone loves Annie Charlie. It makes us want to cry for Katy Ann. She needs to know she is loved as well. We do treasure her for who she is. In time she will know and understand this. Eventually it will be okay.
“[when] the patient is allowed to re-experience the trauma-causing event – the patient doesn’t automatically get better, but that particular episode may never return, even under stress, as a flashback.” (“Other Altars” – Lockwood). We think CF (1) has completed her memory work. There have not been anymore flashbacks from her.
A barren landscape. That hole through us. Maybe it is a place of transition says Patience (10. Although we can’t see anything there, it looks empty, it may not be. Maybe it is a place of waiting, getting ready for the next step, the next part of our journey. Just maybe.
As you work through one layer of memories you build up strength for the next layer. The next one is harder than the last. You think it couldn’t get any worse but it does. Yet now you are stronger, more capable of bearing the pain.
Gabriel knows already. He sees what is next. How can he do that? How can he see into our future? Patience replies ... premature. Much later you will understand how. But not now.
One thing we are waiting for, for sure. Waiting for the axe to fall. Now that we have told. Now that we keep telling what happened to us. Now we will be punished.
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