An ending
March 9, 1994. For the first time we celebrate our Inside kids’ “birthday”, those who are under the age of 13. Even Lyn gives us presents for them. And it’s a beautiful day. The sun is so warm and we go to our therapy session with Bruce Cockburn on our walkman. He is sunshine himself. In the window of a second hand store are a pair of rollerblades. Should we? The kids all eagerly say “yes! please!” This is reclaiming a childhood and a symbol of freedom. Skating is like flying. Yahoo!
In the support group we are asked as usual to focus on our feelings. Any images. What we find is preparation and excitement for Kids’ Day inside The Cocoon. It’s bigger than we thought. Everyone Inside is caught up in it. This is really important to all of us.
It happens again the group. The facilitators explain an exercise and I can’t seem to understand what they are asking of us. Someone Inside does though. This one is about memory. What it looks like. Will someone draw our boxes in Maura? Isn’t that what they look like? I try to describe the body memory we had last week but I can’t remember it. My brain is short circuiting. Just me-Shell’s and that’s what it feels like. A short circuit somewhere.
Ah ... but then .. an explanation. The Mute (3) says they prevented me from remembering. They did not want the memory talked about in the group. Okay. Fine with me.
I can now be co-present with Annie Charlie (1) and CF (1). I was feeling sad that I couldn’t be present for Kids’ Day so The Elders or whoever is in charge say I can now be co-present with them. In a way it’s a big deal but in another it’s not. When we are home alone I can be present with them. Do I have any control over this? Probably not. Not yet or maybe never.
The smell of rain brings me some comfort.
As Lance massages our back, a face appears before us. Distressing. Who?
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Gabriel (3) is right. It has gotten worse. The pain is immense. This is a smoky black underworld of red madness and we are on the edge of falling into a very dark pit. We have to hold onto whatever we can, plant our feet firmly on the ground and not let go. This is a desperate situation.
The tiny Asian woman brings up stuff that resonates for us, makes us remember how much pain we have been in at times. We are getting triggered working with her but it’s okay. We can handle it. We think. Sword and shield up. A warrior’s stance. Prepared for battle against the enemy. As well, we recognize this is not just us doing this work. This is also Lyn, Sarah, Anna, the YWCA facilitators. All of their knowledge and wisdom passed on to us. The tools we can all use. This is bigger than just us. And this is exactly what we want.
We draw a picture in a session with Lyn. A baby, only its arms are little fat wings fluttering helplessly. No details on the face. Little feet not on the ground. We red “x” her out then put a knife through her heart. As well, a cage around her. Is this who we are? Is this how we see ourself? Poor deformed baby. Poor monster.
Lance asks us why our one-to-one work is so important to us. Some of it has to do with empowerment. The tiny Asian woman phones us in crisis. We talk quietly and calmly to her, bring her down to the ground again. It feels so good to help and it works. She feels much better after talking. Good and goodness.
There are times when we trap our anger, unable to release it. It gets held in our stomach and hurts like hell. Anger that is held like this becomes a hard tight ball in your guts. What is the cure for it? When we begin meditating, a bit of the holy grail discovered, we find it not a cure but it transforms the rage into something else. It detaches us from it and reduces its power.
The tiny Asian woman has not yet talked much about what happened to her as a child. How will it be for us when she begins? Will we be able to handle it or will it trigger us and send us reeling? How will we support her then? Guess we’ll have to find out. It is important for us to remember that we do have choice here and some control over our emotions. We can close things off if they are too dangerous or we can stay open and grounded.
We are being triggered by being in the support group. Groups trigger us. A lot of our abuse was by a group of people. Makes sense then doesn’t it.
Groups have ....
rules and norms and culture, mind-think and brainwashing. Loyalty, secrecy, intimacy, training, agendas, power, dogma, abandonment, isolation, attachment, deceit, humiliation, shame, guilt, ecstasy, conspiracy, physical pain, broken promises, lies, ulterior motives, trickery, death, a sense of belonging, and the fear of loss. And sex. Lots of it.
It’s all about power and lust and greed.
Do you see how and why we have trouble with groups? It took us a while to realize it. Silly us.
We need reassurance. We phone Monica and ask her – are we doing the right things in the group? Are we behaving properly? She says yes. We help set a pace. We take initiative. She says her and Meghan, the other facilitator, are honoured to have us in the group. Really? Wow! You know what this means don’t you? It means we are visible. We make a difference. We are not insignificant. This is so important to us. It fuels us. Monica also says that she is very impressed by our co-consciousness, thus our ability to hide the multiplexity. I’m not surprised about that. I know we have been doing that for a long time. We end up feeling a little silly phoning Monica but Patience (1) says that is what we need today. And Monica answered our questions perfectly, gave us exactly what we needed to hear.
Sometimes we want to go back to who we were before, someone who merely dreamed of what she wanted. Now we are becoming that dream and it is very scary.
The tiny Asian woman picks up on our “mood”, that we are somehow different with her today. We aren’t sure we can make it through a session with her but after a while we are in gear again, involved in her process. We talk about alters who are difficult to deal with and can make us feel angry. We tell her that no alter is stupid or undeserving of care, that each is doing what they were created to do, to help the whole person survive terrible events. Each one deserves acknowledgement and respect. This is what we have learned from Lyn and Anna and Monica. At the end of our session she hugs us tight, unwilling to let go. She needs so badly to be loved and she expresses that in such a child-like way. It scares us, the responsibility. Are we able to do this? We made her smile and that is something.
Crystal (3) needs to be freed of caring for the other Children of the Thirteen (3). She is still young and needs care herself.
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Lance has land on Galiano Island. We want to be involved somehow with that, to share his love for the place, become a part of it in some way.
We go rollerblading for the first time at a local school yard. Round and round. The kids are so excited. It is a little scary to be out in public trying to skate as we are not very good at it yet. More wobbly than anything. Eventually we try out the sidewalk and a little hill. Every time we go down the hill Annie Charlie lets out a squeal of delight and asks us to do it again and again. This is so much fun guys. Together. Playing.
In therapy. Eyes closed. The wall between the present and the past. The Wall of White. And The Mute utters a cry of pain as we remember a man. Then she returns to her silence, finger over mouth, sssssssshhhhhhhh, returns to keeping the secrets.
Katy Ann (2) gets angry and scared sometimes when Lance touches us. Black Widow (3) doesn’t want us to kiss him, not anyone.
Katy Ann’s anger and fear aside for now, she draws a picture on a birthday card for Lance. It’s beautiful and we tell her. She is both surprised and pleased with our reaction. We are very proud of her. Then I find out this is not the first time she has drawn anything. She has been working with Julia (1) on our journey picture!
Speaking of the picture, Julia wants more time to work on it but it means that Othel (1) will have less time on his project. He’s not totally willing to give up some of his time. What do we do?
Someone Inside steals my thoughts from time to time. It is a tangible physical sensation. As if a hand digs into my brain and takes the words away. I am left with a blank nothingness. When I speak I can only get a few words out and then the sentence is gone. Where was I? What was I saying?
A dream. Someone is cleaning our carpets so they remove all of our possessions. Everything. The feeling is one of total loss of control, absolute helplessness. What hurts the most is the loss of our computer and our rabbit dolls. As we talk about the dream this morning, Othel bursts into tears. He has not been able to work on his project this weekend and he feels that same loss of control. Julia also feels it as we keep making promises to do things with friends, which means less time for her to work on the picture. The dream is repeated when we go back to sleep. This time it is clear that a woman is doing this and the loss of the rabbit dolls is the most upsetting.
Headaches. Many of them lately. Does it mean a lot of switching or something else? Something screwy in my head? Graham says I am not finishing my sentences. Do I tell him about my thoughts being stolen?
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The journey picture. Julia cannot get a clear sense of what is needed to finish the piece. Patience asks us different questions to help her but Othel asks the right one. What if we are already outside of the city looking back through the final gate, what would we see? Julia has the answer. She sees a white box with a heart on its lid. Someone carries it and we see an old dream of us carrying a cement block on our back, though it is not solid or heavy. It is more like papier mache. So Patience asks what is in the box. We are sure that it is not the sealed container Monica talked about. It is safe to open it. Lo, and behold, we open it and there is Phoenix (8), as white bird, shining so bright. She is absolutely beautiful and very much alive, risen from the ashes. Patience asks why Phoenix is there. The answers come – she is a symbol of freedom from the past and the freedom to be all who we are.
Phoenix lifts her head and calls out. A wolf’s howling is heard and another voice – Gabriel’s. The Shout of Power once again.
We are so very proud of Julia, and of Katy Ann who helped, for completing this picture. The big one. Now there is one more thing to be done. Show it to the support group and share what the picture means to us. There is a feeling that we will be saying goodbye to this part of our journey as well as the members and facilitators of the group. We feel the sadness of leaving, deeply.
We buy a pendant for Julia, a feather. A suitable gift.
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This is it! We are through the city of Kereth. A major shift Inside. What does this ending mean? What is next? Lance says we don’t stay still for long
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