"Fishes and other things" by Katy Ann
The Garden
About three years ago, early 1991, we entered the city of Kereth. Now we leave it behind. Tir (1) is distressed about this move. Wonder why. Nonetheless, we talk about our new journey. Maybe it will be a crusade of some sort and we the crusaders. For now though we are in this garden. It is a need for quiet, a time to be alone, to have space, have time to reflect and process this enormous change, to understand what it means to us. It didn’t take us very long to figure out our next step. So how do we cultivate this garden? The Garden is a part of building something for the Web, something solid so that we can handle more memories, ones that will be even more difficult to deal with.
And the Garden is about abundance. Richness.
Some of us are in so much pain and we think that being present with the pain, facing it now, processing it now, will help us move through it more quickly than resisting it or trying to ignore it. Pain management.
We are missing the support group now that it has finished. A sort of depression about it. Are we grieving the loss of those women?
Maybe we knew where we were going a long time ago. It seems as if some knew this path ever since we were a child, knew the direction we would be headed at some point in our adult life. They say there is one who can see our future.
A surprise. Black Widow (3) says she has to go back into Kereth for something that we forgot. What is she talking about? Plus she is taking Tir with her. It’s like going back in time. Can you do that? Well, we decide to wait for them here in the Garden. We don’t want to go any further forward without them.
Meghan, one of the facilitators from the YWCA group, wants us to teach her about multiple personality. Wow! That is so exciting! We contract with her to do 5 sessions.
Katy Ann (2) is doing a picture on her own. Just hers. The Mute (3) says she is drawing something that actually comes from Tir and that she doesn’t really understand what she is drawing. Doesn’t matter. Her drawings are very different from Julia’s (1). More abstract. It’s obvious she enjoys it very much and we are happy for her.
I ask Graham how he feels about different alters coming out. He says that at first it was a bit strange but he is getting used to it. We kept ourself well hidden from people before Emergence. I would have thought we would have been more obvious but after reading Richard Kluft’s article it makes sense that it hasn’t been so visible. And we were protecting Graham as much as we could too.
April, 1994: Caer initiated contact with and attended a weekly therapy group for survivors of sexual abuse at the YWCA. It has been a significant time for her. It seems that her working through of memories and issues from her past has accelerated. I notice that she is no longer in denial about her past and is coping with the difficult task of integrating what she now knows about herself into her current life and relationships. She has shown a great deal of courage and resourcefulness. She is highly motivated to move on with her life and to be helpful to others.
Last fall, 1993, we made cards for each of us, showing our names, ages, gender, groups we belong to. We used different colours for each of the three groups – The Others (1), The More Others (2) and The Thirteen (3). What we notice is that although most of us belonged to one of the three original groups, we have a stronger sense of being one big group now. It is not that we have integrated but that we are talking more with each other and the dissociative barriers are lower. The cards help us see our structure and get a sense of all of us. We show them to some friends too and they also feel like they understand the Web a little better.
We also set up a file for each of us on computer. We worked on them for a while but then had to stop. We were starting to share a lot more information with each other and it was becoming overwhelming. We also found a book that had some great questions to ask each alter. For example, “How old are you now?”, “What purpose did you serve when you were first created?”, “Who do you relate to in the system now?”, and “Who did you relate to when you were first created?” The idea of relationships within wasn’t something we had really thought or talked about before but it’s so important in any community, so why not in ours as well. We will return to the files on us at some time, when we’re ready.
We have been telling people how excited we are about doing the sessions with Meghan. Gradually David, Graham’s dad, has been learning and accepting our multiplexity more. Recently we showed him pictures that Katy Ann had done and he shook them in front of us saying “You should take these to her”, meaning Meghan. It was such an acknowledgement to have him say that. It was as if he said “I believe you now”.
It feels as if I’m a totally different person than I experienced myself to be about 5 years ago. Take Annie Charlie (1) for example. It’s only lately that I can be co-present with her out in the world but she really has taught me what it’s like to be a child. I feel like I forgot what it was like or I didn’t know. Even if we’re having a bath and she comes out, starts playing in the water, I feel like I’m a child then. I can feel the sense of the water around my body and the curiosity, the openness. When I go out into the world now I look at children a lot and I feel like I have so much more understanding of what it’s like. There’s more memory now of what it’s like to be a child.
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A foretelling
I can feel something happening Inside but hard to describe. Sudden menstrual-like cramps makes us feel cold, jittery and in need of comfort. Someone Inside thinks it may be a body memory coming from n’i (2) who is 12. Is it her remembering the experience of having a period for the first time? It could be. All kinds of strange body symptoms and mini panic attacks. Things not explained yet – premature.
Meanwhile we wait in the Garden for Black Widow and Tir who have returned to the city for something. And a strong feeling, a need to let go. A mixture of feelings – anticipation and fear. A foreshadowing? It does feel like a gasket is about to blow, that we are close to something. A sense of being overwhelmed.
We meet a friend of the tiny Asian woman who also wants to work with us. We are both excited and scared of the added responsibility and it’s hard work to stay present with these “clients” the whole time. No switching. Fortunately there are a few of us who are doing this work. The first session with this woman goes well and she wants to come back.
Katy Ann does a picture and shows it to Lyn in a session. It makes her cry. She is afraid of our stepdad, afraid that he will get her and punish her. But he died when we were 16. There is no danger from him anymore. Still, she lives partly in the past and her fear of him, The Beast Without, has not yet diminished through the many years. We hold her and the rabbit dolls, trying to soothe and comfort her. Later she allows Lance to hug her as she cries in his arms.
A new “self” certainly seems to be emerging. A new constellation of us. we rearrange ourself, who goes where. Getting ready.
I feel too much too much and am left bewildered.
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