Mandala
Even though I am beginning to accept the truth about my past I still struggle with it and with telling others about it. I’m not sure how I can tell. I’m not sure how we can tell. And what are the ways we want to tell? We empty two drawers full of journals and papers we have written about us, wanting to organize them somehow. It seems an enormous task.
Meghan asks about my fear of not being believed. It is not as bad now although there are some people in our life who may not believe, at least not at first. However, we know there are people out there who are willing to believe. And how much do I want to run from this reality, Meghan asks. Yes, sometimes I want to run. I’m not sure I want to look at all this stuff. It is too much. But Patience (1) breaks it down into smaller parts, smaller steps. We start with just putting dates on the documents and organize them that way. We don’t have to read them right now. That is not too difficult to do. Manageable. We have to take breaks from it though. We get sick to our stomach if we do too much. Nausea haunts us, says stop. I have a strong urge to not ever look back, to just make the past disappear. Gone. Forget it. Yet I know we have to go there in order to make sense of the whole thing, of our story.
A show on tv, a court case with a woman who is multiple. It is horrible and grossly exaggerates the multiplexity. That’s what the media does. We need to watch it but we can’t watch it all. A friend told us the show was on. We phone her back and tell her the show is bullshit, very inaccurate. But believe it or not, that’s not such a bad thing. We can work from that point, educate people about what is true and what is not. The woman parades her alters out in front of everyone in the court room. According to Richard Kluft, most multiples wouldn’t want to do that and would probably feel very exploited and terribly exposed, vulnerable. Meanwhile the audience is gasping and shaking their heads. “Ooooh isn’t that terrible.” Cluck, cluck go their tongues. How degrading and disrespectful!
But we had our ignorance and stereotypes too. Early on. When we started going to the support group for multiples I thought I was going to meet some very strange, weird people but it was just the opposite. These women were very much like me and seemed quite normal on the surface. None of them paraded any alters out. None of them put on a show.
“We”. Meghan wants to know about using it. How important is it? For a while some Inside got mad at me for not using it, for only saying “I”. They were insulted that I excluded them. “We” is always the proper term to use but not always the best thing to say to Outsiders. Some people get confused, wondering who “we” is. Of course, when we don’t want someone to know we are multiple then we don’t want to use it either. It’s okay though. It’s really not that big of a deal if we use it or not. As long as we acknowledge the “we” Inside. That’s what’s important.
Doors and gates. In our journey picture there are gates. We have moved through one as we left the city behind but we can still see it. It is still open while we wait for Black Widow (3) and Tir (1). Closed gates keep the information Inside. Open ones bring them out. There are gates that keep me from knowing and there is a part of me, The Censor (2), that is a gate. Each gate or door opens onto another journey. There are many gates as there are many journeys. There are mini journeys, travelled through in one day, and there are larger ones that take days, months and years. There is the gate between Kereth and The Garden. A transition. It feels like you will never die if you know there are more gates. When we have thoughts of suicide, a message comes from within “if you kill yourself you will never get to go through that gate and see what awaits you”. It is like leaving before the end of the movie. When you are healing it’s both exciting and frightening to see those gates, to see where you are headed, to see there are more possibilities. We couldn’t go through them before. We weren’t ready. But now we are.
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The reason Black Widow and Tir go back to Kereth. Because Phoenix (8) is still there and she is waiting for us to “die” so that we may all be born again. To begin a new life. We need to figure out how to die, how to let go of some aspects of our past and then move on. We must leave Kereth behind finally. We need a “funeral”, ours. Letting go of who we used to be.
The tiny Asian woman continues to trigger us in sessions. All kinds of flicks, of memories. We stay with it though. We are curious and want to know what’s going on. We get colours from her too, usually on the wall behind her. Pink today. One time her hands were green. We almost start crying with her but we choose not to. It feels as if sometime it might be okay, to feel for her, sorrow or joy. To empathize.
Consensus is a very important process for us yet it is not so much that we all agree on something but that no one disagrees. We have consensus on writing our book but some are very nervous about it. Still, no one thinks we shouldn’t write it. When we talk about returning to work, Razor Man (3) ”disagrees” with it. He is afraid we will return too soon, that our therapy will not be finished, and the work will interfere with us finishing. So we put to Razor Man that he, as well as some others, let us know when it is okay to return. Meghan says that a dissenting voice indicates something needs attention and that we have to find a way to recognize and acknowledge that voice. Yes, that is what consensus is about for us.
Meghan wonders if one of us feels strongly about not doing something, could he or she sabotage the situation? Yes. If we don’t listen then they may have ways of screwing things up. It is paramount that we listen to every one of us.
Meghan asks who is involved in this project with her right now. I tell her that Patience is always involved in everything we do. The Controller (2) and Old Self (2) take a back seat and oversee what’s going on, making sure everything is okay. Othel (1) has a very analytical approach to everything and is very much a part of this work. Ariel (1), although only a teenager, is also involved. She is quite outspoken and strong. And me-Shell. I am involved too. I need to be present for this.
As well, we talk about our rage. There are three layers in us. Razor Man, the first layer, Black Widow the second and The Beast Within (1) the third and deepest feelings of rage. At times The Terrible Twos (2) ride his back. They carry a kind of rage as well.
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Katy Ann (2) draws an incredible picture for Graham’s Birthday. So creative, funny and unique.
I hate myself. I am beginning to know things, beginning to believe things about us that I just don’t want to know. Stupid fucking bitch. That’s me. I am useless and bad. Not worthy. I should die or at least suffer and be sick. Be in pain. Be in hell. Stupid idiot bitch.
Why do I do that?
Black Widow and Tir return, dragging something behind them. A black bag. What’s in it? Memories? Manure for the garden?
Katy Ann keeps drawing and drawing.
Phoenix is no longer in the ashes. She is in full bird form again. Alive. Our body becomes the bird that she is, elongated neck, our movements light, full of air and grace, our feathers ruffling in the breeze. We meet a woman on the street who is obviously in deep pain. She looks heavily stoned. She moans as she tries to walk, trudges slowly as best she can. Deep in the murky world of addiction and hopelessness. Some of us have known this place. Not quite as bad, not quite as black and dank but caught nonetheless. Trapped. Phoenix sweeps down and gathers up the woman’s pain, carries it off into the deepest sky, wanting to throw it to the heavens where some angels might carry it away and leave the woman in peace. Rest woman, says Phoenix. Leave me to it. Let it go. We leave, crying tears for her. Sorry you have to endure this. So very sorry.
The down trodden. Is that what we all are?
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Lyn understands the most important thing to us is not integration but being all who we are. All of these different parts expressed to their fullest and coming together so that we don’t work at cross purposes to each other. Meghan understands that each part must bring his/her own strengths to the system, to the Web.
We are sick today, have been for a few days. And very tired. It feels like being dead but nevertheless, in this session with Meghan, there is enough energy. Do we need to stop doing this work right now? Is this the cause of our illness? The answer comes as no, but we do have to deal with the emotions and issues that arise from this work. One is anger. Talking about ourself brings up a lot of anger. Does the illness put the brakes on, prevent the anger from surfacing? If we weren’t sick how angry might we be?
Annie Charlie (1) gets to come out. She’s been itching to talk with Meghan for quite a while. She says has a pink dress on, that CF (1) likes pink and she does too because CF likes it. CF is her best friend. Annie Charlie likes the rabbit dolls too, hugs them and kisses them a lot. That’s why they have dirty faces, just like the story “The Velveteen Rabbit”. When a doll’s face is dirty is means she or he is loved a lot. Meghan tells Annie Charlie about a bear she has, without a nose. She kissed it so much that the nose disappeared. Annie Charlie shows how one of the dolls lost its mouth for the same reason. She tells Meghan about coming out with Graham, Lance, Sarah and Lyn. She gets lots of hugs from them all. She loves hugs. She talks about Graham and food that she likes, about being with CF and Ariel teaching her how to read and how to count. Then she goes back Inside.
Katy Ann is beginning an art project. She is drawing what she calls “The Garden Series”. A number of pictures that will all connect together, like pieces of a puzzle. I ask her to do one about me, that it would really help me. We help her design the series, mapping out how all the pictures will fit together and be part of a web. Katy Ann listens to all of our suggestions and is more than willing to do pictures that fit into a framework that we want. This is so generous of her. So very courageous and unselfish. She feels an enormous sense of pride and belonging, that we ask something of her. She has a role, a purpose. She feels important ... finally.
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We have shifted into memory again. The feeling is palpable. I think it belongs to Katy Ann and Julia. The Garden Series may be the catalyst for this. Katy Ann draws a picture that is Julia’s memory and we all feel heavy and sad. There are tears. Then we go to see Sarah and more tears come. We hurt even more now. Then the images come. Of him. I feel shocked at them, hurt, betrayed, beyond feeling it goes so deep. Afterwards our need, as always, is for safety, comfort and coziness. But the comfort is not easy to get as the pain is acute and deadly.
This is the picture of me-Shell. In the Garden Series.
I felt so alone
I thought I was alone and part of me was missing
in the dark.
The wall they built had kept me from them
but there were openings,
all kinds of openings.
So we put our hands through to each other
and the wall began to crumble.
We took the broken pieces
A]and built a vessel, a cup.
Now I am that cup, that vessel
wherein we may all be contained together.
Katy Ann’s picture has helped me understand how I am connected to the others, how I am part of the Web, not outside of it at all. I have become a vessel for the others, so that they may come out and grow. I now see that I am not separate from the others. Out of this has grown an acknowledgement by the Web of me. The others begin to understand how hard this is for me, that I am hurting as well.
Katy Ann’s, Julia’s, Othel’s memories jumping in, confusing me as memories do when they surface. All three abused by him, The Beast Without, our stepfather. Now Othel weeps and tells us some of the things he remembers. There were things about our stepdad that he actually admired. His independence. He didn’t seem to care what people thought about some of the things he did. He used to hitchhike all over town to get groceries. Our mom hated that he did that. She worried about him getting hurt somehow and worried about people seeing him. She was much more sensitive to what people thought about her, him, us. Also, he was not ashamed about being the one at home, doing the cooking and cleaning. He was retired when he met our mom. He was 30 years older than her. He also travelled all around the world. Othel admired that as well. Our stepdad was a loner. Didn’t seem to have any friends as far as we could see. Othel is a bit of a loner like that too.
Our fear is back and especially at night. We fear dying, fear pain, fear our body falling apart, fear bad things happening to us. Fear every day.
And feel so alone in the world.
Someone Inside has much despair, thoughts of giving up and suicide. Is this because of memories that have surfaced?
We want to be left alone yet we feel very lonely. And depressed.
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Phoenix surfaces, not as bird, but as a young girl in her 20’s. She is first in a session with Lyn. She sparkles with a kind of mischievousness, a little like Ariel. Risen from the ashes. We are.
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