The Beast of Rage as young man
As our silence is broken, the urge to close down is strengthened, and the fear of being exposed becomes greater. And yet, a shadow within us looms larger. The urge, the intense desire for revenge, for our rage released, grows bigger as well. It gets harder to pull on those reins, to steer those wild horses. We are running out of control, and running towards freedom.
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Lots of switching again for us in the multiple support group. I feel as if I am simply acting silly and am embarrassed by it. We keep getting more and more upset as the group discusses the current topic, until we have to go to the bathroom. I hear crying Inside as well as some gibberish words. That has been happening for at least a day now. I end up getting my sentences wrong when speaking to other people. But Patience (1) comes and calms us all down. She suggests we tell the group what is going on. So we do and end up feeling better. More grounded now.
I feel torn. I want to be there for the others in the group, listen and support them as they talk about their own stuff and yet I feel fiercely pulled inward to so much stuff going on Inside. It’s not really surprising though that everything is getting stirred up. I guess this is a form of being triggered. Just by being with these women and hearing their own stories. But I feel selfish, as if I am demanding more attention than anyone else. Am I?
And maybe everyone else in the group feels this way.
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The Outside world feels so abrasive at times. So threatening. I want to close it off, shut the door on it for a while. It’s so difficult to find some balance between the two worlds.
Here is my chant, my prayer...
I am all of the others. I am not separate from them. I am them. We are them. We are us. They are me and within me. They are all that I am. I must say this again and again in order to not forget who I am, what I am, and who I am not. I sound like R.D. Laing’s poem “Knots”. That’s exactly how I feel. Tangled up and knotted.
I want to say no. There are no’s inside here – many of them. Don’t expect anything of us! Please. Let us just be. So many years so much was expected of us. Things we had to do whether we wanted to or not. We didn’t. Not. No. A voice inside that whispers over and over, hoping we will obey – Say no! Say no! Say no! But I’m not sure we can.
We want to open ourself up. To the world. To life. And it is so hard to do. But we will miss things. And we won’t be able to get them back, ever. And we want to take up our space in the world. There’s a footprint for each of us so we have to place our foot there and say “This is me. Here I am. Ready to take my place.”
Shana (4) does not like to go to sleep at night but Patience persuades her one night when Lance is here. She does eventually fall asleep but wakes up numerous times throughout the night. As if she is checking for something. For someone. In the morning Lance says that at one point she hung onto one of his fingers. Patience will work with her to see if she can get Shana to sleep with the rest of us.
The “something” Shana fears is nightmares. She keeps getting them. And she feels alone with them. No one to comfort her. Now that we know, she asks if Una (4), her “mother”, can be with her then. Of course she can.
Deep internal shifts are happening.
And an opening comes. The ten levels are clear and it looks like there are more. Deeper within.
When we open up, we see how we have been captured. We see our prison more clearly now and the bars that we cling to. Who is the real monster here? Us or the Beast Without? Tir (1) begins to scream as she sees him, as he tells her that she belongs to him. Child is your name mine and The Beast of Rage (1) comes forward. His stomach pains are the cracking of our psyche, the force of his rage.
September 26, 1995: It was a very intense session for Caer. She reviewed what she knew about a new surfacing memory then I met The Beast of Rage (1) who expressed his feelings eloquently in long howls – pain, assertiveness, etc. He said he wanted to scare the abusers so they wouldn’t hurt him. He has had stomach pain and is frightened......
“Child is your name mine” is said again. Repeated to make sure we understand who is making the rules, who is in control.
......Then there were a series of babies who allowed quiet comforting. Caer says she is feeling more whole.
I see how intense we can get about all of this. It scares me to no end. As if it is us who was, and still is, the one out of control. I guess when rage gets you it can send you spiralling down into some deep dungeon of hate and desire for revenge. Writing is the weapon we use to express so much anger. I hope someone can understand that. Someday at least. We are not a hateful creature but we are filled up with the liquid of wrath. We long to pour it on The Beast Without.
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Lots of fear Inside. So afraid of a memory emerging, that began two days ago. It makes us fear the world. We are afraid to go to the multiple support group, afraid to go on the bus. We phone one of the women who drive there to see if she would pick us up. We are glad to be in the group but we are getting triggered a lot. In one way it is good as it gives us what we need to work with in therapy but it is so scary as well.
A child emerges now. Not new. It is The Beast of Rage in human form. No longer a monster. Now he is troubled, scared and very angry. And then we see he is more than child. He is child, man, and animal. There is also something rather feminine about him as well. He has so many qualities about him and seems so complicated. And he wants to go by a name that we have not chosen, one we do not like very much but that he insists upon. Child. But spelled “CHLD”. Child your name is mine. Why does he choose this name? A name that was given from them. He will not give his reason now. Refuses. He is determined and states that this is what he wants. Maybe it doesn’t matter. I don’t know. But it is what he wants and so be it.
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We are 54 strong now. 54 of us created. Quite an army.
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