136. The Beacon Ejected

The Bitches (now called MEA)

(WARNING: Some things may be triggering)

Chld (1), The Beast of Rage’s new name, ends up going to the support group for multiples. Gabriel (3), Patience (1) and The Observers (1) “accompany” him to make sure he knows the appropriate behaviour, how to act somewhat “normal”. He is wonderful and is totally respectful. Before it is his turn to speak he feels nauseous and has to run to the bathroom. He doesn’t throw up though. When it is his turn, he makes it clear to the group who he is. He talks about his feelings of being a monster, of scaring many of us and of feeling isolated. He also says that he feels scared and never felt he could say this to anyone Inside or Outside. He breaks down and cries and it makes him feel embarrassed and ashamed but the group is supportive and tells him it is all okay. He has done nothing wrong. They are glad that he has come out and spoken. Later a woman from the group tells us that Chld’s speaking out helped her system a lot and especially one of her alters who is silent.

Una (4) is very sad that she could not protect The Babies/SeibaBs (4) from the abuse that happened to them. They come out in a session with Lyn, all of them crying and upset but they are able to get some comfort from her.

Little (4) emerges this morning. She is having trouble remembering names like that of our dolls, or Graham’s.

We are taking on new clients in our one-to-one support work. Two more. Both from the support group. Both multiple. And we think we can handle it. Wow.

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The Beacon “planted” in Tir’s (1) (and our) brain has been ejected and sails out and away into deep space (thus leading our pursuers astray forever – they will die out there). This could not have happened without Chld’s release. After some time, he is now able to be more than beast, transformed into boy/man and with power he did not know he held. It is through him we are able to eject the Beacon. Although we rejoice with this event it has also caused much distress and pain for what is there now, in the space where it lay so long in Maura?

The distress is clear, the pain a physical reality. Only a few tears come – little release. You were not allowed to cry. “Do not cry Child or more will be done to you! Do not make one sound or punishment will come even more severe!”

We wait for the roar, the bellow, the howl of pain. It will come despite the threats because the Beacon is gone. They cannot hear us any more can they? We can tell now can’t we? [Oregon(3)]

The war will soon begin. The Beacon gone means memories to be released. The Time Traveller (2) will be busy. However, some say we will be alright. We can continue our journey.

We convince Chld to change his name slightly. He is now called Griffin-CHLD. A film called “The Navigator” inspired this name. The hero is a young, but very mature and courageous boy who leads a journey to save his village.

With this upheaval Tir withdraws into her own world again. She is terrified that we have destroyed the Beacon. She is afraid of what might replace it.

I don’t know what’s the matter this morning but it does not feel very good. Close to tears. Shaky. Mostly afraid. My guess is that one of our memories is still very much here on the surface. One of the Little Ones wake up in the middle of the night when Lance stays over and tells him about a scary dream she just had. Monsters chasing her but she pours coke on one of them and makes it shrivel up and die. Cool. I am always amazed at the conversations in the night that happen with Lance as I am not present then.