138. "Let grief be a falling leaf"

Victoria

[Title quote is from a Van Morrison song.]

Today:

It’s been a rough few days especially yesterday. Feeling very tired and unwell. We spent the day on the couch watching tv and reading. We live in a housing co-op and our neighbour died last week of cancer. She was about our age or a little younger. Although we did not know her well we feel shocked, angry, bewildered and full of grief. Guess sadness is in there somewhere too. We have come to the realization that we hate death and we hate illnesses that take away a person’s life. We are angry that our neighbour died so young. It doesn’t feel fair.

We figure her death is why we don’t feel very well. Didn’t even want to go to group. Just stay home and cocoon.

Four years ago a colleague of ours committed suicide. Both times we have found ourself constantly questioning death. How can this be? How can this person no longer exist in physical form? How can their body no longer be theirs? It feels as if we don’t understand, we can’t understand. Is this our way of not accepting death? We just can’t seem to make sense of it. Why? Why? Why? And these questions are really not answerable. Of course we understand it in a literal and intellectual way. It’s the emotional side of it that seems incomprehensible. The moment we wake up we think of our neighbour and say “Oh my god I can’t believe she has gone”. We try to imagine how her dying was. Was she in pain? Did she feel sad to die or did she come to accept it? Did she get to live a life that she was happy about?

We won’t go to her burial but our co-op is going to have a get-together this weekend. We need to go to that. We need to hear other people talk about her, about who she was. We need that kind of closure for ourself.

And then on top of that all the news out of Japan. It is unimaginable what those people are going through. The tsunami in Indonesia in 2004 was so awful, and haunted us for a long time. Still does from time to time. We feel so much sorrow for those living in Japan and it is very frightening about their nuclear plant. Life is scary.

So we look for the moments of joy, and light, and life itself. We have only to look at our sweet cat, Panda Bear, to appreciate life. Some day we will experience her death, at least most likely, so every day with her is absolutely precious. We adore her and love her so much. It’s the same with the people in our life. We care very much about them and appreciate how wonderful they are. We also appreciate every day that we have them here on this earth. There are some deaths that will be incredibly difficult  - probably.

Our mother is 97 years old and still going strong but her death could be any day and some of us are terrified of what it might bring up. Will we be “traumatized” by her death or will we be able to simply accept it? And what will it be like to go into her home without her there. That scares us a lot too.

We haven’t been able to meditate even. It feels like sitting with our pain and we don’t want to. We don’t want to feel it anymore than we already do. It hurts too much.

This is where we are right now.

However .... we will be celebrating Kids’ Day on Saturday the 19^th. That means a small party and apple pie a la mode and presents for the kids. Yahoo. Kids’ Day is always fun. A friend of ours, also multiple, will be coming. Some of her “kids” come out for the party too which makes it even more fun. And, besides this friend, some of our favourite people will be here – Lance, Graham and Sarah.

And a comment from a follower. "Hello in there". Are our readers losing us? Are we losing us?