139. The Pieces

The Crusade

Therapy session and I feel nothing but an empty Shell (1, 2) but also like solid stone. No Self (4). A memory of Julia’s (1) surfaces but it is Katy Ann (2) who tells Lyn about it. Meanwhile my Miss Angry (1) part keeps telling us to stop making all of this up. Deny, deny. Stop talking about all of this abuse! Stop it! Stop it! Banging on my head and crying. I can’t. I can’t. I have no choice. The words come out on their own and I cannot prevent them from spilling onto the floor. There you are, see. This is what was done to you.

We are back to seeing Lyn twice a week as so much is going on. In session Pearl (4) comes out again but doesn’t tell Lyn her name though Lyn already knows who it is. Then Little (4) wants to come out but Pearl doesn’t want to leave. She does anyway.

A drawing done by one who I have not met before. Elvira Madagain (4). Just like the movie “Elvira Madigan”. She does a drawing called The Pieces. It has to do with a memory and it is carried by Una (4).

So many kids emerging and their voices all sound so similar that I can’t tell who is who very easily. I can’t go by their voices. I have to go by feel to distinguish one from another but even then it’s still difficult.

We fall apart and are “in pieces” but all I know, from a distance, is that no one can figure out how to put us back together again. Humpty Dumpty. Way too many pieces.

Sarah McLachlan sings “Hold on. Hold onto yourself, for this is going to hurt like hell” and we cry.

Elvira is one of the first and eldest of Una’s Brood (4). She is about 12 years old. She is very angry thus her name. Flash (3) helped her put makeup on yesterday before we went to group but Una was not too pleased. She thinks Elvira is too young for makeup. Flash is in trouble for that. [Oregon (3)]

What a mess we are. So much going on. Othel’s (1) thinking goes like this “Rhythm is drumming is numeric is patterns logarithmic”. Now does that make any sense? Well, yes it does actually because he does think like that. About patterns and rhythms and logic and numbers. What are little boys made of? What is Othel made of?

Makkio (4) saw Elvira in the Portal and saw the Pieces. They split us up even more and we need the opposite. We need to pull together in order to fight those wars. This is why Makkio brought back the goblet of wine, the “communion” – “commune” and “union”. But Una says The Pieces are children who will help to enlarge the children’s army and fight all the demons and monsters. [Oregon]

Do you see how crazy we are? How strange and weird? This is called “polyfragmented multiple personality”, when the system of alters is very large and very complicated. And we become complicated in order to confuse even ourself so that information is not always clear. We don’t want to understand too much at one time. And we don’t want anyone else to understand us too clearly either. It’s probably working guys. But I hate it. I hate to be so confused. I hate that we have different views of things. What are The Pieces? To Una they are children. Some say they are The Babies/SeibaBs (4), but others say no that’s not true.

I think I will go bury my head in the sand somewhere. I just don’t know what’s going on but it’s complete chaos.

It feels like we are getting sick. Not surprising. Elvira goes to sleep crying. We rent videos but are not able to watch them. Our concentration is just too poor. Too much going on in our head.

November 7, 1995: “Elvira” was especially low and hopeless. There was more switching Shell didn’t seem aware of , children emerging.

Tir (1) says something about “beneath the Blue”. To be explained later I guess.

A dream about having many holes in our skin that would not heal and close up. We are trying to have a bath, preparing ourself for something quite important. A major event. And the name “Cinderella” is given as well.

And everything erupts, a volcano spewing its hot lava on us. Bad (4) writes in our journal and reveals more of us. Bad does not like being in any group. She is afraid The Pieces are in danger when in groups and she gets Jigsaw (4) (another new one) to put them “back together” in order to protect them. She also mentions Angéla (5) and The Bitches (8). I don’t know Angéla either but I do most certainly remember the Bitches who I understand now are alters. It has taken me a long time to see that. But who is Jigsaw and who is Angéla?

When we are in groups we can’t find us. We are not there. We disappear inside the group. We become No Self (4) and invisible. I guess that is a form of dissociation. Trying to make ourself invisible but by doing so we become invisible to our own self as well. It is a very unpleasant feeling. I don’t like it at all. As if I don’t matter. I am of no significance, no importance, no worth. Just do what you are told. Follow the rules. Don’t rock the boat and above all don’t say “no”.

It looks like Bad’s writing again and she is asking for Archimedes (4). She says he has the language and symbols that we need to survive this new war. She says he has to fix The Pieces. What does that mean?

November 14, 1995: started with “Elvira”, then “Bad” and others. She was physically unwell with back and neck tension, stomach ache and very intense feelings. She is aware of more alters and her system’s organization.

Session with Lyn. We try hypnosis and a memory surfaces. Jigsaw is jumping around, full of tremendous energy, green blurs of movement. Tir remembers the event and sinks “beneath the Blue”.

And yet another surfaces. Her name is Dead (4). She is no feelings, nothing. Less than No Self. If any of us wish we were dead, she helps them feel dead.

There is more than Oregon, Bad and myself writing here. A group of us. We now call ourself The Writers’ Block.

---

We turned ourself inside out. Those of us more on the Outside were pulled Inside. It left only some of the children to deal with the Outside world. We don’t know why this happened. Pearl, Elvira and Makkio were left. Then Ariel (1) came later and helped them go to the support group.

At group, Pearl emerged and told them that Shell was not there or others usually out. The four present were very uncomfortable during the group because they felt they couldn’t contribute to the discussion. Actually, Ariel could but she was very upset and anxious about things going on Inside and did not want to be at group.

Fortunately, Patience (1) was able to come to the rescue. Took us to the bathroom and Shell came back out. [The Writers’ Block]

I am debriefed in the bathroom amidst tears from many of us although none of us really understand what is going on Inside. It has something to do with us being in groups. I think maybe we get triggered. One woman from the group comes into the bathroom while we are still there and talks with us. Eventually we return to the group and I am able to tell the women a bit of what’s happening.

It’s all so very intense and overwhelming. I could really use a break right about now but I doubt I will get one. We are in the thick of it.