143. A hole in our brain (1996)

"Budding" by Katy Ann

I’m not sure what happened but we must have processed something. I was at a restaurant with Lance then I was at home with him. Jump. Skip. Griffin-CHLD (1) had come out. We asked why, wanting to know what brought him out. His answer. Rage. He has been feeling a lot of it lately but he is so controlled and tight. Doesn’t want to express any of it.

Graham asks if we want to play the board game Labyrinth. Katy Ann (2) jumps at the chance and beats him too. The really neat thing is that she stays out the whole time. Unusual for us. And she had a really good time too. She did get some help from us, but only a little from Ariel (1) and Othel (1) (who hates playing games).

We continue with the support group for multiples and it is going well. The group takes some time to evaluate how we are doing and we feel fairly satisfied. We end with brainstorming for more topics to discuss. For next week, the topic is words we use to describe our multiplexity and that Outsiders don’t understand.

January 9, 1996: Caer is noticing more dissociation and knows more memories are surfacing (about her stepfather). She switched to a new alter (Epiphany (4)) who was having a lot of body discomfort “down there”.

Something Inside stirs, opens its eyes and sees into the dark with its soul. Close your eyes and you won’t feel. Become cold like Black Widow (3) and have no feeling like Adult Empty (1). [Writers’ Block]

Something hits me with that. Panic. Truth coming. There it is. shock. Disbelief. It can’t be. Dad.

Numb. Closed off. Shut up. Detached. Shell kept away. Sorry. Web in pain. So much anger towards that man they call father, dad.

Tir (1) put to shame, humiliated.

No Self (4) is the one who blocks co-consciousness. She is the wall between Tir so deep on the Inside and Shell on the outside. No Self is the wall between us all.

We dread going to the group tonight. What reason?

So much going on again. Wake up feeling really lousy. Full of anger and Black Widow throws things around in the bedroom. Yells a lot too. Tir triggered by something on tv and a really yucky memory surfaces. I am full of doubts again, probably because of memories surfacing. It scares some of the others though. They think I might erase them from existence. Tir feeling suicidal but doesn’t do anything thank goodness.

January 16, 1996: Tir had called me in distress about memories. She is clearer about her “system”. Caer could not leave the house on Sunday.

There’s a Hole in the Fence, a hole in our brain. Not left by the Beacon ejected. It’s different. Other people don’t have it. Not even other multiples. A big gap that causes a lack of understanding, so that ultimately we are left alone.

The three are back. The Bitches (8). And Tir is very upset.

More work today on the Levels and the new groups. Who is in The Weavers, and the smaller group The Elders. I understand that No Self is The Wall that keeps me, Tir and others from being co-present with each other.

It is time soon to move down into the central core inside Gaetway. Inside Blue World. There the answers lie.

My life has a life of its own. If that even makes sense.

Tears for Fears sings “Find out. Find out what this fear is about”. Yes.

Nothing to do and nothing to be. Surrender to who you are. That’s all. Simple.

Don’t want to be in therapy.

Don’t want to see Lyn anymore.

Don’t want to be in any groups.

Don’t want to feel this pain

I’m feeling.

Don’t want to live

Not with this Hole in my brain

A gap

A chasm

Not yet bridged.

The final doors not yet opened.

We took ballet classes for 3 years. We must have been 10 or 11 years old. I am sure I hated them but someone Inside did not. We also took piano lessons for 3 years. I thought I hated those too but someone Inside did not. Weird. Who liked doing those things? I do like dancing, no love dancing. But not especially ballet. And I don’t hate playing the keyboard we have. Just the classes I hated.

A male energy in us moving out and into the world.

Some good stuff happening Inside. Annie Charlie (1) out a lot with Lance, telling him things about us and what’s going on Inside. What she understands that is. We all seem to be getting along better. A lot of Una’s Brood (4) joining the other kids to play. Only the Children of the Thirteen (3) still stay separate though often watch the other kids. They are still really sad and troubled. Ariel and others are taking care of the kids too, noticing when any of the children are upset and comforting them.

We are also helping those of us who are angry, encouraging them to talk about it and asking them for suggestions as to resolving some of it.