142. Christmas (1995)

"Don't want to be a pushy mother" by Katy Ann

Little’s (4) pain was too much so we vacated the body. Dead (4) is there then. Just lie there like a corpse and become as cold as one. [Writers’ Block]

The Time Traveller (2) took us back in time to the past at Christmas time. It was very painful and I felt truly like a ghost. It wasn’t my life I was reliving but the others and their memories. Later on more images of Ottawa surfaced and this time I felt nauseous. It felt like we were sinking into a deep dark pit. So heavy. Even after falling asleep and waking up a while later the nausea came back instantly. Fortunately, it finally left. Still, this morning I still feel the heaviness.

December 14, 1995: ..having a very bad day and asked to see me on an urgent basis today. She is in physical discomfort. Memories are surfacing about Christmas and abuse by her stepfather.

Ariel (1) was created at Christmas time to help deal with an older cousin abusing us. Thought he could teach us about sex. n’i (2) created Ariel. Anyway, Ariel feels a lot of anger at this time of year.

I’m missing pieces of today but I know it’s been hard. A lot of stress about getting a Christmas tree. Someone Inside shouting that they don’t want to.

My father has black wings. I wish he would open them up and fly away. Far away. Where I can’t see him, hear him, feel him anymore. Black spit rages.

December 19, 1995: .. dealing with memories of Christmas. One alter in particular is suicidal and dealt with some memories related to her stepfather and the Christmas tree. Her pain seems unbearable to her at times.

We manage to put up a tree and Graham is very pleased. It is worth dealing with memories to see him happy. He loves Christmas. I feel so worried about him sometimes. I worry how our state of mind affects him. Although he is 16 now and much more independent he still needs us. Ariel, in her own mature way, says we should keep talking to him, telling him some of what is happening. She is right. Kids can sense if you are hiding things and I think they end up resenting that. He doesn’t need to know all the details and I don’t think he wants to know that much. But I think he wants to understand a little of what’s happening to his mom and to get some reassurance that we are still there for him. Tonight we tell him that if he needs anything from us, to talk , us listen, hugs, etc, he should let us know.

December 21, 1995: She has been trying to be involved with Christmas at home with Graham and Lance and it has been difficult for her.

Julia (1) has gone into her “catatonic” state, sleeping. This is what she needs to do now. She was remembering some things about Christmas and our stepfather. It got to be too much for her and even for us. Now that she is catatonic, the heaviness has lifted and we have more energy. We feel more in the mood for Christmas and look forward to being with the people we love. The stress of Christmas is gone now and we feel a gentle softness now. What a wonderful break.

December 26, 1995: ... looked unwell and cold; she was curled up with a blanket when I came in to the session. She is experiencing a lot of body memoires of sexual abuse and notices these more when she is feeling physically unwell. She worked through some of this.

We seem to be writing less and talking less. The system shut down to some extent. Overall, Christmas was difficult. We had our moments, thank goodness, but it was hard. We tried to take good care of ourself. We lost it on Christmas Eve because we couldn’t find a gift we had for Lance. That blew a fuse and we started switching like crazy.

Christmas morning was nice with Lance and Graham. They gave the kids lots of presents which was so honouring of them. They are so good with the kids Inside. Then we went to Lance’s place for dinner. We wanted to help but felt weak and exhausted. Tired both physically and emotionally. I think we were dealing with more than one memory.

Today, Boxing Day, we still feel weak, exhausted and nauseous. Don’t know if we can make it to therapy but in the end we do. We really need to see Lyn. So we push ourself to get there. There is a lot of switching during the session. Tir (1), afraid of needles again, Bad (4) and other kids coming out.

Considering taking on another one-to-one client for a short period of time. But we want to make sure we can handle three clients. We are also thinking of taking a dance class and we will be going to another support group for people who were abused as children. Can we handle all of this? We make a list of pros and cons and make the decision to take the third client on. We are proud of ourself for really thinking about this and not just jumping in.

WHY?

Why did he do the things he did to us? What did he gain?

Tears and discomfort now. Looking for something to soothe ourself, take this pain away.

But it is inescapable.